Kathleen, I know what a tough question that is - what do you hope for when everything you worked for is gone? When Cliff died, we were literally on the edge of our 'happily ever after' days - our problems being sorted out, our hard work and plans coming to fruition, plans for our two boys, etc. - all gone in moments when he had a heart attack and died.

Hope was a constant companion up to the point of Cliff's death. Then for a time I was utterly hopeless, but held on through sheer stubbornness because my sons and others were counting on me not to give up.

I struggled hard. At one point, all I could say was that I was "hoping for hope" - I was hanging on and struggling and praying that new hope would come.

My hope used to be tied up in a future with Cliff. Then it was tied up in dreams of Cliff's legacy through our sons and dreams of grandchildren. My sons are disabled. Whatever legacy Cliff, or I, or our boys leave behind us has to be whatever each of us has done while on this earth. There will be no grandchildren. The recognition of that shifted my focus dramatically.

My hope is that I outlive my children - something no mother ever hopes for. But that is what I hope for because I fear for what will become of my sons.

In the meantime, my hope is to make a difference with whatever I have left in whatever way I can. We find meaning in our lives, and thus hope, or in other words purpose, in different ways. For me, it is summed up with this quote from John Wesley:

"Do all the good you can. By all the means you can. In all the ways you can. In all the places you can. At all the times you can. To all the people you can. As long as ever you can."

I know this is a hard time of year for everybody. Don't give up. Sometimes it is a matter of shifting from a long-distance view to something more immediate. The Zen practitioners will tell you about living in the moment and for today. Others only think about the future time when they will get to Heaven and be reunited with their spouses. I can't do either of those things, so I am somewhere in-between.

I HOPE you and all my DS family find peace and happiness. It seems so elusive right now, but don't give up.

Much Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

Martha, that was beautiful. I have hope for everything, hope to see my daughter graduate college, get married and have a family. I hope to find glimmers of happiness and meaning during the holiday season. i hope that even when i have down times, i do not let them go into down weeks, i hope to reach for help when needed. I hope to leave people at least one person daily with a good feeling. I hope to find meaning in my life. I hope to never ever give up fighting to be happy again

I hope to just make it threw this Journey. It so very hard, but I know me and the boys will make it somehow. Hugs to you

What a great subject. To actually put into words the loss of hope that which follows our loss. My hope died with Don's death and had to be reinvented. It was a major event. My life had existed on a "we" concept and I was no longer a we. In fact, I wasn't even an I at that point of my life.

I began with self examination of who am I as a person, what did I want for me, and could I be happy with myself (which is a definate requirement) before moving on. After that process, which was very time consuming, I began to build exactly what I wanted my hope to be.

My hope is inner peace with my life, to share my love of self with others who path I cross, to share my love to others in need and be a giver and not a taker.

I have a man who loves me and I am totally in love with him. The important part of our relationship is that love is for who we are not what we expect each other to be. My goals and hope is materialized in my love for Art, my/our children, my friends here on DS and personal friends I spend time with and the desire to bring something good out of all I do.

Yet, I remain a work in process for hope is never acheived but the strive for it brings many rewards as we proceed in life. Sharon

Kathleen I feel just as you do. We are no spring chickens here and I think that makes the difference in what we have to hope for. We are at the end of the line...............oh, we both may have 20+ more years but , with what? The quality of our lives are slipping downward as we age, the chances of meeting another love is slim to none. Our family have their own lives, what do we have left?

Martha makes some good points but she has the younger children that needs to be cared for. That gives her the purpose we don't have. Nor would I want it at this point in my life.
I want the good times we never got to have.

I have found no pupose or hope either. Friends are few, jobs are slim what do we have to look forward to?

A friend of mine said to me the other day in an e-mail that she would like to see me go out with some men my age. Just for friendship, not necessarily for dating.This shows how absolutely out of touch she is. There is not one single man my age in our church of over 200 in attendance each Sunday. Gulp. There is not one single man anywhere I know of that is near my age. I wonder if I should start looking down at the homeless shelter. I know there are a lot there. But what are their enduring qualities that would enrich my life?

Nothing against homeless people, but at this time in my life do I want to risk getting friendly with destitute men, men with mental illnesses, men with health problems who have no solution to thier multiple problems?

The truth is, there just aren't any quality single men my age in my world anywhere that I go or in any groups I'm a member of. My friend's remark is so unbelievably ignorant of reality.

Look around any church. You'll see tons of older women and hardly any single older men. Another example of the inequity of life.

My motherhood is a two-edged sword - my sons are not babies - they are 24 and nearly 29. They are disabled. I was raised with a very strong concept of 'legacy' and that concept had to be thrown out entirely.

Reinventing yourself and your dreams and hopes is not an easy task. But I do believe it can be done. There will be times when that seems impossible.

Love is not the only thing that brings hope. Motherhood is not the only thing that gives purpose. Finding what works for you is a challenge. Perhaps it is supposed to be so to help us appreciate it when we do figure it out. I don't know. I have seen literally hundreds of folks come through here and survive it. I am just saying you can do it, too.

I look back on where I was 5 years ago, and cannot believe how different things are for me now. I have moments of profound sadness, but I also have moments of profound joy. For me it has been worth it not to give up. I know in my heart-of-hearts that I would have missed SO MUCH of the good in this life if I had given in to the despair and not fought back.

It is worth it to keep going, to keep trying. Sharon once described it as being in a tunnel - which was a good analogy. You don't realize that you are still moving forward because you're still in the tunnel, but eventually you do make it back out into the light. And that's when it hits you that the fight was worth it.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I too am at the same point in my life as you. My husband died at 63, I was 60. We both worked hard so we could have a time in life to enjoy each other. It was not to be, I got sick with a very rare illness in my late 40's. Was told that 20% of patients with this illness would die in one year. I made it. But the medications that I had to take caused cancer. I would of never made it through that fight if not for my husband who cared for me. Once over my cancer, he was diagnosed with liver cancer, he lived only for a few months after that. I am alone and hate it. I cried just before coming to this site. I feel alone, sad and don't feel that well physically either. I could live another 20+ years, but why, to suffer, feeling sad everyday and fighting for my sanity. Just don't understand why I am still here. Must be for some purpose. I talk to God every day and ask for more faith, peace and to show me the way. It has been over 4 years since my husband died and I don't feel that I will ever find my happiness again.

I have cried for two days alone but am angry at myself because I know that my husband would not want me to be this way and I don't want to be a quitter. Every day is a struggle yes, but every day is a miracle of light and color and we are alive!! The alternative is forever and it isn't our time yet. I feel I need to find my passion, what do I want to do with the rest of the time God has given me. We are not too old to find love or do what we want to do. The only thing stopping us is ourselves. I watched an eighty yr. old women kayak around the Hawaiian Islands and eat sea urchins. You can cry forever or get to work changing your way of thinking. Dead is dead and no one is coming back. That is the cold hard fact of our lives. My husband would tell everyone after a death, there is no "we" any more, just "me" and you need to decide what is right for you! It is like a bomb going off and you just have to pick up the little pieces that you can find and move on. I don't know how to do that yet, but I am not giving up hope quite yet. Yes, I am depressed, yes, I have days when I am suicidal! but I know deep down, God doesn't make mistakes. He gave me Charlie when I needed him most and I have to trust that there is a plan for me too. I deserve it and so do all of you!!

Wow. All of your replies have been insightful. Thank you for this topic. I am at 8 months and thought hope and joy were to be lost forever along with my husband. Reading what you all have written here has given me...hope.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I truly needed it today.
Julie

My husband and I are close to the same age as you and your Joe so we were also looking toward living out our dreams. Randy had already retired and I was going to this summer. After he died in May my hope for that wonderful life was gone. I am struggling to find hope in this new life. I am made hopeful when I read that others have made good, purposeful lives for themselves and I know Randy would want that for me. Unfortunately he did not leave me a how to manual. So today I hope to make it through the holidays and his birthday and that clarity will come soon.

Thank you all for sharing your deepest fears as that is really difficult to do. I want to believe that there will be a future again filled with joy, and I wish this for each and every one of you. Its hard to see that light when your heart is filled with pain. But maybe we can each close the door just a little bit more every day until it shuts out the rawness we felt as we first walked through. In the end, the only thing that matters is love and even if we have lost ours, there are so many that never get to have that love.

So I wish to walk with gratitude for having had a person that loved me for me, and someone that stood by me as promised through good times and bad. I will never ever forget his love, and to honor his strength and memory I will try to share what this love has taught me...to give of myself and show care and support to others.

I hope to do volunteer work. Maybe literacy tutoring or something like that. I'd like to get more involved in church. I may end up retiring early(in other words, I'm about to lose my job and am deemed too old to find another.)

Scarab, your post was one of the most beautiful thoughts I have seen expressed. It hits home with me. I was lucky to have experienced the same love you mentioned for 40 years. I feel blessed and fortunate to have had those years. I too want to honor my wife and all the good times we had and live to make sure her kids and grand kids know her as I did.

Even though it brought a tear to my eyes, they were good tears. Thank you for your thoughts

My DH was taken at 62. He had previously semi-retired, and only received 9 checks. 9 checks! We've been cheated - out of his life, out of growing old together, out of seeing our 50th together.

I don't hope for anything, really. I'm in this comfortable position where I can find no words to describe. My daily habit has been to just enjoy today. I don't know if I will be here tomorrow, next year, or 10 years from now. Yes, my retirement plans died with my DH, and I've made no new ones.

Will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Thanksgiving blessings