Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I know I've heard about the various stages of grief, but not sure what they are. I know for a few days I felt really angry for no real reason. My heart hurts, I feel lost. I'm trying to do all the physical things right, but I'm having a hard time dealing with ME. Anyone else in this boat? Today is two months since I lost my husband - 8 weeks, 60 days......
Jan
Jan
The Stages of Grief
They do not necessarily occur in order and we often move back and forth between stages in our own grief journey. They were first proposed by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.
Its helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process it helps you understand and put into context where you are in your own journey.
1. Denial and Isolation
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to being overwhelmed. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain, the funeral and the first few months on our own.
2. Anger
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this can cause us even more emotional pain.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved ones illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.
3. Bargaining
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control
If only we had sought medical attention sooner
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
4. Depression
Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction of sadness and regret. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry about just about everything. The second type of depression is more private. It is our quiet preparation to bid our loved one farewell. This is where we really need the support of friends and family.
5. Acceptance
Reaching this stage of mourning is not necessarily a mark of bravery. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression. Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited.
I won't try to speak to what you are enduring now, I'm in my 41/2 years.
But please know, everything you are going through is to be expectYou will cry, sream, laugh.....it is all part of this path we are on. Please don't be hard on yourself, let it happen and care for yourself.
The other very important point you should know is that the stages of grief are mis-named in a way, because it makes you think you go through them 1-2-3-4-5 and you're done. It's not like that. It's more loopy than that, it's not a straight line succession of stages, which is why you hear terms like "roller coaster" a lot. It really should be called the SYMPTOMS of grief. I still have some of the SYMPTOMS from time-to-time, but I am not in the throes of deep grieving. It's like having your bones broken, you heal, but cold days make you ache a lot. With grief, a song or a movie or a change of seasons or something small and very silly can suddenly trigger the tears and heartache again.
Part of the danger of thinking it's a step-by-step, stage-by-stage progression is that when you have a symptom like anger show up again, after you thought you had dealt with that, then you think you must be "doing it wrong" somehow, or that you must be crazy or something. That's not the case. Recurring symptoms of grief are a natural and typical thing to happen for years.
Jan, I know you will experience all of these emotions, and they will be intense for awhile. But you will get through this, honest, and it won't always hurt as badly as it does today. There will come a time when the memories aren't so painful, and you will find gratitude for your every day again. Life will be different, but it won't always be terrible. Don't give up.
Hope this helps and hope it makes sense.
Love and Hugs,
Martha