I can only help a tiny bit. My wife's father died before we met. Her mother passed about than two years before my wife died. I have been in touch with her brothers and sisters. They don't all talk to each other that much. Her aunt is still alive, elderly. We've been in touch but she doesn't email at all and doesn't use the phone that much either. Since they're on the other coast, they didn't all come to the first memorial, but we had another one out their way and they all came.

Sorry for your loss hun! I lost my husband the 14th of Nov. My family is all in Oregon and Washington. I'm living in Ohio. My in-laws have been a god send through out this ordeal. I'm not sure exactly how your husband past. But, It's different for everyone. I've never lost a child but my husband had. I know it's hard to do but just leave the door opened to them. Don't close it and don't be angry at them for not wanting to be around. Maybe they are suffering too much and don't want to make things worse for you and the kids. There are way too many things that could be going on in their heads right now. I've seen it tear families apart and bring them closer together. Thankfully, my husbands family and dearest friends of mine have been there for me the past two weeks. Otherwise, since we hadn't been blessed with children. Gods each day is a struggle. But, as many have told me, a minute at a time and then 5 mins at a time and then 30 mins and then an hour and then a day. Etc. Find a support group locally to you hun! Call the Hospice in your area or talk to your doctor about setting up a appointment with the counselor like mine did for me this week. I've been on the other side helping people throughout my life go through this. Now, I'm on the other side looking out and honestly had no clue WTF I was talking about. My David, was my soul-male, my best friend and it was cut short because the man upside decided to give him a heart attack and take him away from me, his family and his friends. I do not know if I'll ever be able to forgive him for that!

Keep in touch, it's all too easy to fall out of regular communication.

Hurts for them as well, still grandparents and that should help over time.

All I can say is what about the in laws. The act as if I died too. So I will keep it that way. I tried texting and calling. so be it. I can't say I didn't try.

It is a tough one, but very common issue
Without a doubt, the family relationship prior to loss affects the kinship after the dearth. In fact it is really rare when the in-laws continue to remain an extended family, stay supportive and needing you in a long-term kinship.

Initially, I also wanted to remain in a close contact with his entire family and my parents-in-law, I wanted their companionship as the link to my beloved husband. Soon I realized that it will never be the same; they pulled back and never showed any concern or interest..
..Feelings of abandonment caused an excruciating pain, especially during the funeral and following weeks.

Fortunately, my late husbands twin brother and his wife did not break their bond with me. They have been my pillar and my close friends at a time when I needed to feel close to those who loved him; we remain as a family now.

We visit, talk on a phone, always remembering him in our conversations, sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, but always feel warmth knowing our love for him goes on.

Depending on your given situation, only you can decide if your relationship with in-laws is a BLESSING OR A BURDEN. In my situation. I could have persisted to continue disingenuous relationship with my parents-in-law, but I let it go. Instead, I placed my efforts into continuing my real connection with his brother and his family.
You also have the right to decide how you want to deal with them, whether you remain in touch or alter your current relationship.

Hug

My husband passed 10/15, This thread is me. My husband's parents are deceased. His brother and sister do not initiate contact. It has always been me and I am tired. I am thankful his son and other nieces and nephews have maintained contact and want to remember my husband as the warm and loving person he is. Yes, I still hear his voice telling me to be strong.

So sorry for your loss. I don't and never have had much of a relationship with my in laws. They were abusive to my husband as a child. He had a limited relationship with them so I tried to remember that at the services ect. My advice would be to do what's right for you and your kids. If they make an effort and that works for you then that's great. You are sensitive to their loss and that's a good thing. Base what you do on what you need. Take care of you and your family.

The loss of a son or a daughter can have a profound effect on the parents who are left. I can recall seeing Tracey's parents sitting at her bedside in those last hours and their absolute desolation. We were all hit hard and it can take them a long long time to recover. I count myself blessed that my relationship with Tracey's parents has grown ever closer, but I can imagine how seeing me is a constant reminder of what they have lost and this must be painful. Perhaps there is some of this in your situation? It's still early days and they are probably still trying to deal with the loss of their son and come to terms with it, be patient, give them space to grieve, as well as yourself. It hits us all in different ways.

My husband's parents died years before he did, but he has a brother and sister who live in the area. His brother was a big help visiting us when he was on hospice care here at home and very supportive in the beginning. The contract has faded over the years.

His sister and he were estranged since their parents death, but she came to the service. I phoned her asking to begin a new chapter together, but she showed no interest. I met her later at her brother's birthday, but it was cool and uncomfortable.

What I am saying is that both sides have to want a relationship. I'm still open to it, but unless she agrees we probably won't have much contact with each other and that's okay. Sharon

Thanks, everyone for your thoughts. I will give it time and evaluate later. Right now it hurts, but then everything hurts. I do not wish to add any more pain to their lives, but I also must protect my heart. I will encourage my children to have a relationship with their grandparents. We do have a pretty good relationship with my husband's brother. That may be our anchor to that side of the family. I really appreciate y'all sharing and shaping my reaction to this situation.

It amazes me how we can internalize the reactions of family and friends and before you know it......suddenly, it's our fault [or, we're blaming ourselves for their reactions.]

Why people pull away and physically turn their backs on the bereaved is a quandary to me!

Get out that address book and the white-out!

I question myself to see if it's something I did or something I said. NO, it's simply the natural scheme of things and the way it goes with family and sometimes friends.

I no longer expect other people to react the way I do or say something the way I would. With NO EXPECTATIONS there is NO DISSAPOINTMENT!

Hitch Your Wagon To A Star,
Roz

Thanks, Roz. I did start to question what I did/didn't do, could have done, should have done. I just need to step back. Appreciate your taking the time to respond.