You will often hear that grief rewrites your address book. It's true. I think mostly it's out of ignorance. They have no clue what we lost. It's not an individual, it's a way of life. I remember a friend saying that it would be good for me to shovel my driveway. They just are clueless. Sharon

Here is my logic.....I don't have high expectations of friends and family. With that said, I'm never disappointed. If they help with something or make an offer, I'm always surprised and grateful!!

From the beginning, I filled my cell phone with numbers of different people that I would need. I have a lawn guy, lawyer, plumber, and air guy. Haven't needed an electrician just yet. I have one store that I purchase all my appliances from and I'm on a first name basis with the store owner who actually gave me his cell phone number.

I was snowed in for four days last winter. This year, I'm not going to hesitate. I'm going to hire for snow removal. Two guys did try to help me and get me out. I didn't even ask for the help. Unfortunately, they tore up my yard and got stuck too. LOL. Thankfully, I had a good sense of humor about it and thanked them for attempting to help me and I did not fuss at all.

I don't know what it is about me.......but I expect everyone to want something from me. So again, when they offer to do something and ask for payment......not disappointed. I expect it.

I hope that you will find your own way to deal with your disappointment in those around you. I will also add that I agree with you that those people were his friends and not yours. Another point for me is that most of my husband's friends owed him money so I'm not disappointed that most of them disappeared. He was a kind guy and usually loaned some of his useless friends money in exchange for work around the house which usually worked well. I am not a bank and I don't make loans. I hire professionals now.

After reading my post......maybe I am odd. I don't think I'm cynical, just realistic.

Nessie from KY

I agree with Sharon about grief rewriting your address book. But I also think people are so wrapped up in their own little world, they don't think that someone may need help.
My neighbors also knew my husband passed, but only one expressed their sympathy.
The people I thought would support me didn't. They went on with their daily routine.
But that "fishing buddy" should be ashamed of himself.

Hugs
Janie

I remember one week after my wife passed a neighbor 3 doors down I didnt know ran over to my driveway and said to me I heard your wife just passed from cancer. He started crying and said I know the pain you are going through. I have been fighting cancer for 3 years and I see the hurt in my wife's eyes everyday. I was left speechless. What a way to get to know a neighbor. We now keep in touch.

I have taken a leaf out of Kynessie's book. After earlier disappointments with friends and family, I have filled my mobile phone with professional numbers (solicitor, electrician, car mechanic, handyman, just missing a plumber - difficult to find a good one here). I call them, they deal with the problem, I pay and I avoid upsets and disappointment.

It sounds harsh but I now expect nothing, although to be fair one of my friend has been very good to me but she is hopeless at practical things. I am now proud of myself for having dealt with most things even if I do not do the work myself.

I call it live and learn. All the best to you. I agree with the others that the "fishing buddy" is not worth a minute more attention.

If anything , I usually end up doing part of my neighbours driveway. The reality is , the way I see it, I was the one married to Howie and I was the one along with him that created this lifestyle, Friends did not so why should they take time out of their busy life to add extra work to themselves. I was told to just ask for help but we were not ones to ask for help prior to him getting sick so why would I do so now. It is the times we live in . When I do see my friends, it is to spend quality time together. They don`t expect me to do things for them and I don`t expect them to do things for me. We may decide to offer to help on certain project as friends sometime do but no pressure or expectations.

My husband died of a heart attack in July 2013 he was just 42 years old. In the past year initially I was surrounded by so many family and friends making sure we (my kids and I) were ok, but as time passed it was as if we were all alone. I know that everyone has their own problems ours seem so much more because we have suffered a loss along with now having to adapt to a life without your partner. My husband and I never asked anyone for help we always figured it out ourselves. After I lost him I was so LOST, I realized I didn't know how to do so many things, like many of you I hoped someone would help but in the past year I have come to realize that I have to learn how to figure it out. I learned how to work the weedeater by viewing a video on youtube. Youtube has become my best friend. I still struggle but I am finding that I am getting stronger and learning how to stand on my own! Good luck everyone!

It must have been a year or so after Jim died. We were hit with a blizzard. Then no electric for almost two days. House got down to the low 50's and couldn't cook or even flush the toilet(well and septic) I was fortunate enough to have some bread and summer sausage and I ate it for every meal. It was horrible and I didn't even have my cell phone charged. If you live in a area where there is a lot of snow remember to always have bottled water, plenty of blankets and quilts and always charge your cell phone. Oh and lots of candles and perhaps those camping lanterns. I survived and I guess shoveling the driveway or using the snowblower is not so bad as no lights, heat or bathroom for two days. I hate shoveling and the snowblower scares me a bit but you do what you have to do. People just don't help like they used to.

Great to read all these discussions. My wife has been gone almost a year and I am dealing with the so called anniversary affect. Based on my circumstances and family, I really have not had any support regarding her passing other than one friend. Most others in my life do not desire to discuss such deep topic

I did as some of you did. I have a notebook with names and phone numbers of electricians, plumbers, painters, landscapers, etc that I used last year. He never asked for help from neighbors, in fact he was always helping them. In the winter he would shovel some of the neighbors walkways who were elderly. I saw his fishing buddy at an event and he spoke and had no other conversation. I thought, was he so hurt at the loss of my husband that he couldn't express himself?