Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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mclizm 05/23/2015

I know this is a topic that's been discussed before but I need some feedback from those who are traveling the same journey as me. It's almost a year now since my husband, PJ died and I'm starting to feel less "married". In my heart I will always be his wife but this is my new reality. I'm certainly not interested in dating but starting to accept that to move forward means creating a new life for myself. That being said I've been thinking about taking my wedding rings off. I don't want to just leave that finger bare as I don't think of myself as single yet but thought a good interim step would be to replace them with something less obvious that would still have meaning to me. (I already wear rings on my right hand.) I found a ring online that is made up of three entwined bands - it's even called tangled which seems appropriate as our lives will be forever linked. You can choose the color of stones to customize it and it's on sale this weekend. Seems like a sign but I'm concerned that others will think it's too soon. I know I shouldn't care what people think. I'm also feeling a little guilty about removing his rings yet I know he'd understand and probably applaud me for doing what feels right for me.

Just looking for insight on how others dealt with "moving forward". It's all so complicated!! :)

lrs55 05/23/2015

The first few months after Jake died, I had no intention of removing my wedding rings. Then at about 6 months, the scripture about there being no marriage in heaven came to my mind. I believed that Jake was in heaven, and if he was, he was not viewing our relationship the same anymore--if I am understanding that scripture correctly. So, in order to allow him to be who he is now, I symbolically took my wedding rings off. I immediately replaced them with a beautiful mother's ring that Jake bought for me with the birthstones of him, our daughter and myself. It has been on every since. I think I would have felt undressed to not have a ring on that finger since one had been there for 40 years but the mother's ring has taken care of that for me. Our rings are sitting on my dresser waiting for the grandkids to get married to see if they would like them.

I wish you the very best in making this difficult decision. It is a big one but fortunately one we can change easily. I think your idea of a new ring symbolizing your relationship is great.

maryelnew 05/23/2015

please don't care what other people think. This is your life and you have to do what makes you feel confident and connected. Besides, honestly, with the ring you are describing, if I saw you and knew you were a widow, i would assume, by the design of the ring, that it held some significance.. I am glad to see your post because even though I'm only two months in, I've already thought a lot about this. I've taken my ring off a few times in the house, but am far from from ready to go out in public w/out it. I think, when I am ready, I am leaning toward taking his ring, my ring and any unwanted jewlery in the house and having a piece of jewlery made for myself. Kind of looking foward to having his medicalert and chain melted (both gold) But, I won't do this until I'm ready.

handg 05/23/2015

My fingers kept swelling so I did not wear my wedding rings as much as I wore his wedding band on a chain around my neck for two years . When I could I wore my wedding set but then I started to wonder if I was truly honoring him by wearing them because I had no doubt that he wanted me to move forward . I am currently waiting for a pendant to be done with both my wedding set and my husband's wedding band . Something that I will be able to wear and know what it is for what it is without having strangers ask me "Is that your husband 's wedding band?" . I thought of passing down my wedding set but DD does not want them and DS either. What let something whit such meaning just sit unused is what I wondered. So for me this was the right option. Some will view it has changing the rings that meant so much but I see it has adapting to my new life that I was forced to take on .

kkg17 05/23/2015

I have a rather large, eye-catching sparkly diamond wedding ring. When I put it on, I feel like my husband is protecting me as I go forward. Like an amulet of sorts. Plus I designed it myself and love it.
It reminds me of what a successful, strong man he was, and gives me strength and pride.
Who knows how I'll feel in a year?
My mother still wears her ring and it's been 12-13 years since my dad died. She redesigned it for their 25th anniversary so probably enjoys it as jewelry.

Coop84 05/23/2015

It is a very personal decision and if you feel it is time to take them off in order to move forward, do it!! I took my rings off on March 6th, nine and half months after Art passed away. I was in Mexico for the day with friends and went into my favorite jewelry store. I saw this silver ring with the Aztec calendar on it. It was perfect!!! My rings are hanging on his gold chain along with his and they are hanging off of our wedding picture. I feel that Art wants me to move on and that is exactly what I am trying to do. Just so damn hard!!! The ring you described sounds beautiful. A wonderful symbol of your lives together. Hugs Sue

mclizm 05/23/2015

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have gone ahead and ordered the ring. Figured I can make my final decision when it arrives. No timetable right!

Handg, I also thought about taking mine & his wedding band and the 3 stone ring he bought me to a jeweler and having some kind of pendant made out of them. Again I would know what it was and how precious it would be.

Sue, I also like your idea of hanging them on a chain on our wedding photo. Another nice tribute.

Like most men he was not sentimental about a lot of things. Saw them as just objects. Except his wedding band and a watch I bought him. His wedding band is way to big for me to wear and too heavy to have on a chain. I thought about giving the watch to our grandson when he's older. My husband's parents gave him one for 8th grade graduation, perhaps I could continue the tradition although I'll probably have to explain what a watch is by then as he's only 3 1/2. lol.

As always, I appreciate the love and affection that you folks give.
Thank you & hugs to each of you. Liz

michaelbmanning 05/23/2015

I have never taken my rings off and s it has been over four years, I can not see removing them now. Not looking for another man. I wear Mike's ring as well. Do I feel married? Yes....and probably always will.

Maggie

SandyV1 05/23/2015

I wear his and my wedding rings and my engagement rings on my right hand, and a ring my mother gave me for my 21st and my mother's favourite ring on my left hand. I switched hands at about 4-5 months. It just felt right one day. No one has commented.

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