Today I went for a coffee with a friend of my T. I thought my T would not like me to go all messed up, with dirty nails and stains or whatever. So I took it a little more far and put on some of the lingerie I took with us these last holidays in September. So this is a lingerie set that I took to wear there, but never did, all the activities and stuff, I never got around to put it on for him. I took it out of the suitcase today, where it has been for more than a month. And today I put it on to go out for a coffee...
The thing I am thinking is how stupid all of this was. How nonsense. How stupid are so many things I have been doing, basically out of guilt from all the things I could have done/said and did not. In our "big quarrel" I decided to take away all pictures of him from the houses (my flat, my parents flat), I was so out of control. Now I find myself putting them back... For what, for f... sake?!? I even had bought tens of postcards that I thought of sending now and then, as little surprises, but didnt. Now I am considering writing on them, as if he would get them and read them...
Ridiculous. If he could talk to me now I know he would find a way to give me perspective, and to make me feel normal and "not mean". But he cantt apparently talk to me, and guilt is unbearable...
Am I the only one doing these stupid things, when its too late??