I am so sorry for your lost! Over time, reading posts here there was a general disconnect between the spouse who was left behind and the children . Even a grieve counselor early on, point blank told me that death of a loved one usually rips apart the remainder of the family. That statement stayed with me and I chose to address this issue with my children. I had an honest conversation in which I told them that I could not understand their grieve , their lost as I had not just lost my father at a young age, and that they could not possibly fully understand my lost even though they were of a dating age, they had not had a deep relationship .

I also apologized in advance for any wrong doing I may cause them in my lack of "Grieve 101" knowledge. I was honest in admitting that I needed to be selfish and recover somewhat in order to be the parent they needed.

One thing I was sure of, was the fact that I had lost my husband , I would not let my relationship with my children become estranged. I kept the door of communication opened and the topic when needed but gave them their space to grieve as they needed to do making sure they knew that while selfish , I would always do my very best to be there .

The best thing I did for my children as they later confided in me, was letting them see that I was human and that grieve attacks did not make me weak but rather they were needed to make all of us heal as best we could.

we as parents so want to protect our babies while not realizing that often, they are hurting more than needed because they are trying to protect us.

Their are many books on grieving which can help but the reality is that each of our grieve while similar is unique to us. Here you will find someone to "listen" to you, no matter the emotion , the feelings. You need that output. Those who love us, do not understand what we go through and will try to help by making comments that are actually while well intended, painful to hear. It's hard to be strong when you have no clue where you are heading.

You cannot build a strong structure on quick sand, you must first address the unstable base/platform and then bit by bit that strong structure will come in due time. In this case grieve is our quick sand...

Let the grieve do what it must , be kind to yourself and your girls will benefit from it.

Hugs xo

Handg,
Tthanks for the reply over the last couple of weeks my eldest who is turning 13 in two weeks has already had a couple of meltdowns and doesn't like to show her emotions and on the first time, I had to get her grandma and a close friend to help calm her down and give her support. The second was this week and I was soloing this meltdown and after 45 minutes I finally got past all the walls and got to the root of all her anger and why she was not opening up to me and we do have a good relationship, as she is close to me. What she said it broke my heart to hear her say this and she didn't think Mum loved her and mum hated her and didn't want her as a daughter. my wife loved her girls and me so much it would have destroyed her to hear these words. She was on high dose pain medications and at times I don't think even she knew what she said sometimes. I then told her about two years ago we almost separated during some cancer treatment and it was because she would push me and the girls away and I told her if she keeps on pushing I will take the girls and leave her.

My eldest asked why didn't you leave her and I said because I loved her and it would kill her knowing she has lost the three people she loves in the whole world. she then told me she loved me and missed Mum gave me a big hug, then two days later she did something she hasn't done in a long time while taking them to school she walked beside me all the way or usually she is 5 steps ahead or 5 behind. I feel she has released a lot of anger and you could say now understands it was not her or she did anything to make mum not love her or think she didn't love her.

She has school counselling which is helping. My youngest is very open about her emotions and will tell me how she feels and will always seek me for a hug and a should to cry on and that is when you can feel the emotional rollercoaster startup and tears flow, It has started to bring my two girls closer, But they still do fight like all children do.

I have been told that Be Kind to yourself from a friend, but it is hard when you got two other young souls to guide as well.

Maluis

You seem to have two wonderful girls Maluis ! Emotions are all over the place during this time of this journey and all you truly can do is what you have been doing already and survive day by day until you look behind you and realize you have covered much ground.
Do let it out even if it's on here !
My thoughts are with you and your daughters during this difficult time xo

It's so hard grieving with kids - it's like you grieve twice - once for them and once for yourself. I have 2 sons, and one of the most unhelpful things that happened was people kept telling them to "be strong for your Mom" and even going as far as telling my older son that he was "man of the house now." That was so detrimental! It took 6 months before my younger son finally broke down in my arms and cried like a little boy. That was a turning point for us.

It was difficult to balance between reassuring them that we would be okay and still being able to grieve and reassuring them that it was okay for them to cry, too. To this day, if I get sick, they get panicky. It's a difficult situation to be in. I'm reminded of something someone wrote here, "'Strong' is what you are when 'strong' is your only choice." When you are grieving with kids, that's pretty much the situation.

Hang in there, it will get easier.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

During this visit to WW this post caught my attention.
I can only comment from a different perspective. Yes it's a tragedy that you lost your wife at such a young age with two young daughters at a difficult age to raise. It's the most life retching tragedy that people face and yes, it's going to hurt for a long time, and it's not going to be easy. But it sounds like you have good relations with your inlaws and friends, which will help a lot. My perspective is that we had no children. On that basis I can only say, you and your wife had two children; let your purpose now be to raise them as you and your wife would have done together. That is now your main priority and purpose, as it always was. One day you may look back and be thankful that you had those two girls and at the same time be able to say thank you to your wife for giving them to you. I envy you (not in a bad way) that you still have that purpose that someone needs you more than you need yourself. You will survive; for them!

Regards, George.

Maluis, I'm so sorry. I'll keep you and your girls in my thoughts and prayers. Love and Hugs, Dolores

Hi All,
thanks for the support, yes it is hard and when I see my girls hurting and they are both completely different and they show their emotions differently too. I am getting to know them and the triggers and spending time with them when they have a breakdown or are upset and I talked to them and I let them know I feel the same as they do and it is hard for us all. I tell them mum loved them and so do I. going to be a hard road for them, but they will guide and supported by me, grandparents (wife's as mine have already gone)) and family and friends.

Thank you for making me feel welcome and it has helped just by getting a response back and knowing you are not alone makes the pain a little bit less.

thank you again

Maluis (Mal)

Mal Hello I'm Will. Yes we do live worlds apart. Just a suggestion. As you lived the race another race just started whether you realize it or not. This new race is a journey. Remember. Life's a journey not a trip. Be strong for your girls. Rise above that emotional hurt enough to start over again. You may never replace your wife, but while your alive you have to take care of yourself and your girls. Life goes on. It's a funny thing. It seems so insensitive to your daily grief. It just keeps serving up daily events that must be dealt with. You will never forget and you may never feel the same about someone else. You are here and the pieces still need to be put together. Moving on is forever. Anytime you need to talk just send me a message.

Thanks, Greenteam, yes it's a weird battle and some days are good and some are right down into the darkness where there is no light. I have also spoken to a widow here in Oz, she has helped heaps and we have formed a bond and it is a win/win situation for us both, She is in to her second year, so I got a lot to learn and face yet, I also have a wife colleague who lost his wife 8 yrs ago, so I can tap into them for support which helps.

Thanks again I have learned so much from the people here and feel that I have moved in the right direction.