Widows & Widowers Support Group

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wanting to run back to my past

mary1950
mary1950
Have had thoughts of moving back to my hometown in NY - have been in Ga 40+ years - this had been my late hubby's home - I have a home here that we built 20 years ago - it is a small rural town very laid back compared to the hustle and bustle of Long Island. I first thought that going back there would take some of the pain away but I did go up there last month for a family wedding. I was so emotional the whole time! It then dawned on me that my husband had courted me there, we planned our wedding there (when he got out of Navy), got married there and for 40 years would visit on and off. I had a friend tell me that grief seems to follow you wherever you go. And this sounds strange but I seem to feel more content in my home now that we shared for 20 of our 40 year marriage. I do not want to make any hasty decisions (Bill was killed in an accident in Dec 2013). Have any of you "gone home again" or am I just wanting to go back into the past to try to ease the pain of the present.

Mary
joannklingaman
joannklingaman
Hi Mary...

Like you with 40yrs& I had 38yrs and there are so many memories & I agree with your friend grief seems to follow you wherever you go.

After I lost Larry, I sold our home & moved closer to my family, which has eased the pain...... but it is still there even after a year and It will always be there because of the memories & missing our life together.


The only home will be when we are again reunited....
kkg17
kkg17
Mary, I did move back to my home state of CA (it was actually before my husband died- he was working in TX and we commuted back and forth.
Im happy to be here with family, old friends, and great neighbors- not to mention the weather.
I still miss him out here, but at least feel at home."
likemyguitar
likemyguitar
The grief is inside you, so you can't run away. Try going for a month or so and see what helps. I'd like to run away and hide from this grief but I know there's nowhere to hide.
tiger1962
tiger1962
I rent so it is easier for me to move out, but I haven't. In fact, I just signed a 2-year new lease (second year my choice) to stay in the same place my wife and I have lived for 3.5 years. I don't feel as painful as first 2-3 months. My wife was a homemaker so everything in this place was from her, and I haven't changed anything. She means for me to live like this. Tiger
lmj90
lmj90
My husband and I decided to sell the home we bought together and rent so that we wouldn't have to worry so much about upkeep of major things. I had always considered the place we sold as HOME but I had resigned myself to the fact that it was what was best for us. Since his passing I have been lost and alone and the saddness runs so deep. The place im renting is now up for sale and I must move. I have searched and searched and nothing has come up. I want to stay in the town where I am as I grew up here, met my husband here, and we had a life here. I went by my old house a week ago and its up for rent. It is in the remodel stage so it won't look the same but I am going to try to move there. I guess after all my rambeling what I want to say is do whats in your heart and do what makes you feel the most content
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
It is hard to build your future when you are focusing everything on your past.

I agree with the suggestion of traveling there for a short term - couple weeks or month - to see how you feel about it. You may find that you miss the familiarity of the home you shared in GA. Don't know, we're all different.

As far as moving to be close to family or old friends, you would need to recognize that all of them still have their lives intact, and you would still be able to be content on your own for the majority of the time. Would you be more content or less content by yourself there?

I think at some point we all want to run somewhere, but whether it's running "to" something or "from" something is a big question.

I think it's good you're asking for feedback and that you have realized you still have some mixed feelings both ways.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
mclizm
mclizm
I'm originally from England but have lived in the U.S. for the last 16 yrs now. When my husband died last yr people immediately started asking me if I would move "home". I went back for a week a couple of months after PJ died. It was awful. I felt so far away from him as there were so few memories of him there. I've been back a couple of times since and each time has been easier but I still feel like AZ is home. This is where we lived our life, memories are on every corner, good and bad. I do miss family and friends but remind myself that their lives have moved on too even if we do make the effort to get together when I visit. So for now I stay put. I can't say that will always be the case as life continues to evolve. Do what feels right for you. When PJ and I first started dating I spent 3 months living in AZ to see what it would be like. Maybe you should try the same before making a final decision. I wish you could you luck whatever you decide. Liz.
mary1950
mary1950
Thank you all for your kind replies - it seems as if this has come up also for a lot of you - I still am undecided but I feel like I will take it day by day because I cannot run from the grief. I have so many memories here and not to mention my grandchildren and sons. I would not get to see them that much if I moved. I told someone that I might summer in NY and winter in Ga. - now all I have to do is win the lottery! lol

Mary