I am so sorry for your loss. All I can say is you need to stay sober to honor your wife's memory. We have been dealt a horrible tragedy but like they say "I would quit but there's too many people I have to prove wrong in their assumption I will fail".
Stay strong and welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of.
Hugs, Sandi

Hi Kelly, Truly I am sorry you are suffering so - we all either are or have been where you are right now. You've just got to go through it is all. Me, I am a recovered alcoholic, been sober since May 18, 1998 (my clean date). I remember the day Juani died after everyone left and I was hit with the most unbelievable wave of emptiness and loneliness imaginable, and then I heard the devil say, "Well you should just go buy you some beer. And you can buy some pot too -- it's legal now". Well, I hadn't had a trigger to drink in years, and it shocked me. So I hightailed it to be with my grandkids where I knew I could draw strength from their pure hearts of love for their grandpa. After about 2 months of being with them nearly every weekend, I was was ready to be alone and do battle with my demons. I won -- for then anyway. And if you decide to start drinking, you know we always pick up where we left off. So play the record through Kelly -- remember what a hell you were in and how badly you wanted to stop drinking but couldn't no matter what you tried or did? Well, that's where you get to start if you pick up. You are immediately as bad a drunk as you were when you quit. So don't be fooled. Been there, done that. (Oh, just one beer, I'm mature now, I can control it - I said to myself after 4 years of self-imposed abstinence - a time during which I met, fell in love with and married my dear Juanita who never did a drug or drank her whole life. I don't know how you quit before, but if you were in a 12 step program, might be a good time to hook back up for a time. I fear if you pick up again Kelly to numb this pain, you won't be around long. And if you get sober again, you've still got to go through this grief....all the drinking will do is, like you say, numb your emotions, but the grief will be waiting for you when you sober up, only I fear it will be much worse for you. Consider discussing your feelings with a doctor or counselor -- could be an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication that might help. And Kelly, please, the one thing you can't do is turn to alcohol. Neither can I. It will kill me as it tried to do before. God bless and comfort you ~~~ Scottie

Marylou passed to the Spirit realm June 12th 2015, and my sobriety is a year shy of yours, 29 years...I don't mean to sound like I'm making this about me, but I just wonder how much my situation has in common with yours.
When I finally got on the wagon, the answer I got from The Lord was profound in its simplicity...I had a choice to make: Marylou or the booze. I made the right choice...Marylou and I got married a year later, and was together ever since...until last June. She used to thank me for staying sober, so her life wasn't infested with the same BS she grew up with...we were so perfect together.
And now I'm in the same boat you're in...I miss her so bad I want to jump out of my skin, and I'm so lonely I can't stand it, and it won't stop-won't stop, every day one right after the other, and I'm always wondering what is my reason for living now...and I can hear the old temptation calling from long time ago..."You can wash it all away with the smooth taste of JD...go-for-it!"
But Our Magnificent Lord is with me...because when I hear that temptation calling...I see a flashback compliments of Our Lord...I see Marylou's face, and the love in her eyes, thanking me for staying sober, and the life we were blessed with...that same flashback comes with each and every temptation.
And I figured what that flashback exactly is...It is the Spirit of Marylou calling out to me from the other side, begging me not to surrender to the temptation...because the second I do, I am no longer the man she loves...it puts in jeopardy the promise we made to each other, to spend eternity together...I tell you the truth, that would be my hell, and I damn sure ain't going to volunteer for it.
But just like when I got sober the first time...it was too big for me, and I gave it to The Lord, and that was the only way it worked...
stand with me, brother, let us call upon the power of our Magnificent Savior, to help us remain the men our wives love...so that when it's our turn to step across to the Other Side, they will be there waiting...with that same look of love in their eyes.

I don't think you ever move on so much as move forward. Moving on implies forgetting what you had. If you had a great marriage like many of us did, you will always remember that and miss it. That doesn't mean you can't cope with the loss. I liken it to a disability. We widows and widowers will never be the same again, but we can learn to cope and move on with our lives. If you lost your leg in an accident, you will never regain it, but you can still learn to move forward without it.

I think it's normal to consider doing self destructive acts when you're dealing with grief. This may sound laughable, but there are nights where I couldn't sleep and felt like punching myself in the head just to stop thinking about her. I've also felt tempted to drink copious amounts of alcohol to numb myself. Why? Cause it hurts to grieve!

Nevertheless, doing self destructive things won't help you, and it certainly won't honor your lost wife. Stay strong for her if not for yourself, and don't blame God. God gave her to you in the first place, right? I know it helps me to look back on all the great times we had. I was truly blessed to have so many years of happiness.

Kelly, you are in the worst of times, there is no doubt. I think Scot's advice is great. He and eighty8 know the pain of alcoholism. I might as well be one, as I have a seizure disorder. I have had several alcohol induced seizures. I could do my self a world of harm. Stay strong. Hold your wife in your heart, and ask yourself what she would say. She is with you, just in a different way. God knows you are angry, and he has all the patience in the world. Death is part of this life of ours. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted a do over. I begged to fall asleep so that when I woke up, he would be here. It isn't going to happen. Your anger will dissipate in time, until you are able to remember the happiness and good memories. All your choices are yours to make. I am in my 3rd year, and I still cry. I don't forget the pain. I just choose to be strong and live. What reason would your wife want you to live for? Find it. Find your faith, and look forward.

I lost my husband of 38 years two weeks after you lost your wife. When reading your post I was saddened that I wouldn't be able to give you the encouraging words that you so desperately need right now. Then I read what the others wrote and I cried tears of joy that there are those here who have walked in your shoes. Nobody can help like those who have been there. Please take to heart what they have written. Hugs, Ruth

Hey Kelly,
I lost my wife August of 2015. I never took up drinking but for the first time in my life I considered it. But then I thought of two things. One it want solve anything just postpone what I have to work thru. And the other is hearing my wife's voice telling me she didn't want to be the reason I took up drinking after not doing so in my life.
The other I, like everyone else completely understand. The loneliness at bedtime and waking up. Coming home from work and she isn't there. We had just gotten a puppy for her and a friend to our older dog so I'm raising this puppy who at times I wish we had not gotten but at others reminds of the day we got her. Either way they are good company.
For me a lot of praying and talking to the Lord. I believe He showed me this site if for no other reason that I would know there are others going thru the same thing. It is written that we want go thru more than we can handle and we will be shown a way thru it. And that we will see them again some day.
Peace, Tim

Kelly. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. It's a pain like no other that we have to endure now. Congratulations on your long term sobriety but please darling don't go back to that terrible place. Try to imagine the struggle you went through to become sober. I find that I drink more now for the reasons you are describing and I can tell you, when I wake up in the morning after I've drunk a bottle of wine to drown my sorrows, my grief is compounded tenfold, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideations etc but when I haven't drunk alcohol the night before, I am so much more able to cope with this horrible pain . My husband died two years ago now and it's still horrible but I know that I will survive. We all do.

Grief takes hold, and does many things to our spirits. keep up the great workin choosing life, and not alcohol, you are worthy of great things, still yet to come. Dont ever give up, your wife would be so sad. She is still here in spirit with you, and she wouldn't want you to allow that kind off relief. Just take one hour at a time. Much love and big hugs, carla

Hey Kelly I lost my beloved Dan October 2015 I've been sober since 8/30/05 this time I had 6 yrs in 1996 and tragedy hit it took 9 hard years to get back to having the willingness to get humble again. The lonliness is evil, sleep is no where to be found,the pain seems unbearable at times becuz thats how much grief feels when you have had the privilege to love someone sooo much. Its alright to think about taking a drink , its normal for me bcuz I am alcoholic. As much as my disease tells me it will be effective to take me out of my reality I know based on my experiences that it wont last. So think all u want just dont ACT on it!!! My Dan was also in recovery and celebrated 9 years a week b4 he died, I just got his infinity chip on line I carry it with me and decide every day that want to be sober just for today ....anyone can fight the battle's of jhst one day hang in there get connected with folks like you...you al ready have started by having the courage to be honest and vulnerable here where I hope it is safe...God Bless

thank you everyone for you words. The feeling to drink isn't as strong today. I know Dawn would not want me to drink or give up. I'm starting a grief group on Thursday. I don't want to go but I know she would want me to.

Hug that dog, cry into her fur. That dog shares your pain. My dogs needing me after my husband died made me step into the day, I wasn't alone. It was horrible, but you have to make it through so many days before you can feel your soul heal. My prayers for you. Trici

Kelly, we have all been under the dark cloud of despair you are feeling. You will do what you need to do but always consider the consequences and please think things out.
If I may make a comment about giving up your dog. We have two very large dogs and a cat. A St. Bernard and a Bernese Mountain Dog. We did not have kids so they were and are our children. They were particularly Amy's babies and when she died they were beside themselves and I was not sure what I was to do. But animals are very resilient and they eventually adjusted to their new life as I am trying to do. They have given me structure and purpose in this life and I would rather spend time with them than many humans. As you can imagine they are a handful but I am hoping and praying they live a long happy life and I will be the best papa possible like Amy would expect me to be. Don't make a hasty decision about giving up the dog you both loved as they can be so comforting in this time of your grief.
Take care ~Pete

Pete. I would never give away my dog. I felt that way in the moment. she is my baby and I love her dearly. She sleeps with me and I would be so lost without her, sometimes I can feel Dawn when she's with me I know what you mean about giving you purpose some days I want to lye in bed and I cant I have to get up and feed her and that's good for me.

Kelly? Just checking in on you. I know this is a long, hard road. It has been almost two years since my husband died and I ache every day. Know folks are here for you and sending you good thoughts. Take care and let us know how you are.....