Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Dear All,
I am new here, but I have been reading some of the discussions during the last few weeks. I found that it is really a supportive group. I have a question, but allow me to tell my story first.
I lost the love of my life on 02/07/16. We started as sweethearts in our senior year in high school in 1974. We got married after graduating at university in 1981. We loved each other deeply, always holding hands as the first day, always in love as teenagers.
She had a recurrence of her uterine cancer in July, after a miracle recovery that had her cancer free for a year after an stage IV diagnosis in 10/13. She was put in hospice care on December 05, and it was a downhill path. She did not deserve that much pain as she did nothing but help and love everyone around her during her life. She was a gynecologist that specialized in fertility problems, helping a lot of people through her practice.
As we were at home during hospice, we took care of her wellbeing. My daughters made a wonderful job taking care of her needs, while I took care of medicines and transportation to restroom, and near the end doing all the cleaning in the bed. She was loved and pampered every minute at home.
Twelve days before her dead she was very weak, but worried about making and leaving plans for all of us. She was worried about me (without somebody to take care of me), our daughters lives, our grandson health, you name it. She was so week that that was the last day she was able to swallow, but she was still trying to help and guide us.
She died on Sunday morning sleeping at my side. I woke up at 4:00 am to check on her and I went to the toilet. I knew that she was very close, and I asked her to move ahead. I assured her that we were going to be fine, to stop worrying. I went back to sleep and woke up again at 5:45 for her pain killers administration. I found out then that she had gone peacefully without any sound.
I know that it was her time to go, because I asked her to let go as there was no point continuing suffering after eleven days without food. I am at peace knowing that she stopped suffering, but now my question.
I have not slept from Saturday to Sunday continuously anymore. I wake up at 4:00 am and if I go back to sleep I wake up again at 5:45, but most of the times I stay awake.
I have tried going to bed late, tired, in another bed, in other state, even in another country without success. The restlessness and sorrow come back every Sunday. I guess that it will go away some day and Sunday's mornings will not be the worst of my weeks. Do you have a suggestion on what to do?
Thanks,
I am new here, but I have been reading some of the discussions during the last few weeks. I found that it is really a supportive group. I have a question, but allow me to tell my story first.
I lost the love of my life on 02/07/16. We started as sweethearts in our senior year in high school in 1974. We got married after graduating at university in 1981. We loved each other deeply, always holding hands as the first day, always in love as teenagers.
She had a recurrence of her uterine cancer in July, after a miracle recovery that had her cancer free for a year after an stage IV diagnosis in 10/13. She was put in hospice care on December 05, and it was a downhill path. She did not deserve that much pain as she did nothing but help and love everyone around her during her life. She was a gynecologist that specialized in fertility problems, helping a lot of people through her practice.
As we were at home during hospice, we took care of her wellbeing. My daughters made a wonderful job taking care of her needs, while I took care of medicines and transportation to restroom, and near the end doing all the cleaning in the bed. She was loved and pampered every minute at home.
Twelve days before her dead she was very weak, but worried about making and leaving plans for all of us. She was worried about me (without somebody to take care of me), our daughters lives, our grandson health, you name it. She was so week that that was the last day she was able to swallow, but she was still trying to help and guide us.
She died on Sunday morning sleeping at my side. I woke up at 4:00 am to check on her and I went to the toilet. I knew that she was very close, and I asked her to move ahead. I assured her that we were going to be fine, to stop worrying. I went back to sleep and woke up again at 5:45 for her pain killers administration. I found out then that she had gone peacefully without any sound.
I know that it was her time to go, because I asked her to let go as there was no point continuing suffering after eleven days without food. I am at peace knowing that she stopped suffering, but now my question.
I have not slept from Saturday to Sunday continuously anymore. I wake up at 4:00 am and if I go back to sleep I wake up again at 5:45, but most of the times I stay awake.
I have tried going to bed late, tired, in another bed, in other state, even in another country without success. The restlessness and sorrow come back every Sunday. I guess that it will go away some day and Sunday's mornings will not be the worst of my weeks. Do you have a suggestion on what to do?
Thanks,
My wife Linda went home on a Tuesday. Unexpectedly. I left for work and returned a few hours later. I found her in bed, I thought she was sleeping in but she was gone. No warning not goodbyes, just gone. I believe her internal organs were damaged over the years of being on pain killers, and I believe her heart stopped. She went in her sleep.
It's been nine months and the pain is still vicious at times.
Just reach out to others who have and are going thru this. But sleep is hard to come by.
Take care.
Peace, Tim
I found sleeping in the bedroom we shared made it difficult to even fall asleep. Finally I made the decision to have my nephew paint another room and moved my bedroom completely. I would go into our room for private moments of feeling his presence, but my sleeping improved. My best wishes to you. Sharon
Also just a suggestion, when I can't sleep or get jolted awake and can't return to sleep, I talk to Chad as if he was there. I tell him how I'm feeling, about what I have planned that day, sometimes we watch tv and I talk to him about the show, and honestly I pass back out every single time. Maybe she is there with you and just wants to hang out. Hugs to you.
Kim
Not an expert on "psych" by any means, but it sounds like PTSD, or an imprint of trauma - which of course is no surprise after what you, what we all, experienced.
Trauma is considered caused by "violence" or "loss"; some more specifically state from "physical injury" or "emotional insult" - don't know about you, but I could fit the tearing of my partner out of my life, my heart, my reality, into any of those categories, depending on my mood of the minute.
Unlike yours, my partner's actual death didn't happen along side me, although Tuesday - the day it occurred- now often holds an oppressiveness, which I attribute partially to brain/ mind/ memory imprinting
Trauma-wise, both John and I went through the 1994 Northridge earthquake in an area of LA pretty hard hit. When it happened, I truly believed it might be "the end" and screamed in real terror for the first time in my life. For years (like 10 years or more after) both of us would automatically wake up suddenly at 4:30am (PST it occurred). I'll still occasionally wake up for "no reason" at that hour, and the feeling behind it is always sharp/ alert/ quake attack feel.
Obviously the protracted suffering and death of your wife next to the very real-time effort of your families ongoing concern and care for one another, is going to have a much more insidious effect on your emotional and mind's memory. I cannot begin to think where physically you might escape it (changing beds/ changing rooms) - you can't escape yourself!
are you in a position to see a grief counselor? they cannot remove the grief - no one ever can - but they are there to supply "coping mechanisms" to assist you regain some ability to make your way through, and you have to do that.
Many of us here feel too, that we've found the ultimate assistance may come through prayer and surrender to a higher power, who likely knows more about these/ all things, than we can ever know - especially blinded with pain or looking for salvation, as we are.
Good luck, dear soul, I'll say a prayer for your peace. Keep us posted, please, on how you do with this. We need your voice too as much as you may feel you need ours.
snowalone (nanne)