I woke up today feeling pretty good considering. There were a few minutes while getting ready for work that I got a little teary eyed. But walking out my door this morning, I felt like the day might be a good and productive one. I did my usually talking to Bernie on the way to work- and it was mostly cheerful chatter- telling him I missed him but I knew I would see him again and asking him to continue letting me know that he is still looking after me.

A few minutes after I got to work, a co-worker told me he had seen my husband's name in the paper. I don't get the paper, and was, of course, curious, so I googled. The article was about a business venture, a historical building that my husband was trying to save. It broke my heart to see him referred to with the preface "late." I also started worrying about the old building he loved so much. I cannot tell you how much time, money and care he put into making sure it didn't get torn down. Now the future of the building is uncertain- but will be determined, according to the article, by the 15th of this month. That was still weighing heavy on my mind when I got a phone call from a tenant. Her boyfriend and she had broken up and he had broken the lock on the door to get in and take some of her belongings. She is going to have to move out- so there will need to be repairs made and a vacancy will need to be filled. My financial situation is so sketchy right now that I'm not sure I'll be able to pay all the bills next month without that rental income.

It was a blessing that work was slow today. I couldn't concentrate worth a darn. I couldn't wait to get home and away from everyone and everything else. I needed to try to relax- I was trying to be cool as a cucumber- but my insides were churning and twisted in knots. I get home and reach in the mailbox and pulled out a letter from the trust attorney for Bernie's mom's estate. Bernie's mother died about twenty months ago. It's a long convoluted mess- but it boils down to this- I'm going to have to sue the estate to get what I think is fair. Of course I'll have to go out and pull money off my money tree in the backyard to hire an attorney, while the rest of the family will be using the attorney for the trust and won't be out a dime. In the end I will be paying a third of their legal fees, since I have a third share in the trust.

In the end- the very worst part of this is that I can't talk this over with my best friend and biggest advocate because he isn't here anymore. You know, I'm almost happy for him- he doesn't have these worries anymore. The day to day BS of life is something he doesn't have to contend with now. I really can't wait to join him in realm of the carefree.

If I sound full of self-pity it's because I am- I'm sorry- but this is too much. I'm overwhelmed and I'm pissed at myself for letting it all overwhelm me- because I think that plays well into the hands of people who would like to see me fall apart- so they can get a bigger piece of the pie.

Thank you for letting me vent. I'm going to go take the aspirins I mentioned hating to take in an earlier post and a Xanax and I'm going to pray that when I wake up tomorrow I have renewed strength and lots of those signs from my sweetheart.

Goodnight and rest peacefully!