Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hi DSers,
Below is a synopsis of how the panel discussion with pre-seminary students went, pertaining to the subject of loss and how people/church either failed or succeeded. Again, thank you so much for you helpful input.
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Yesterday went better than well!. It was fantastic to see the LIGHT COME ON during our Q & A session with the pre-seminary students. When I took my seat facing the class, I saw a variety of expressions on those young faces. They weren't sure what to expect, but as the session continued you could see the awareness take hold. Hands were raised to ask questions, and it was at that point I was able to convey my experiences as well as the many good responses received from my friends on DS. We were off and running!
The 1st and most perplexing question addressed was: 'What makes people different in dealing with loss? Why does one person 'get over it' (what a huge misnomer) quicker than another?' That was a great opening to explain 'expectations.' The other widow with whom I shared the panel was quick to clarify that one of the most harmful things a person or group of persons can do is place expectations on a widow/widower. Each heals at a different pace; individual memories and experiences profoundly affect us in assorted ways. There are no timelines, no guidebooks, no concrete answers. This transitioned into the various ways they could assist the grieving, both emotionally and physically. I shared with them the helpful comments you contributed. I'm sure you all noticed how often the same concerns were voiced in your replies to my post which illustrates the naivety of people who are trying to comfort us.
The 2nd most important issue discussed was the helpfulness (or lack thereof) of individuals and the church in general. FOLLOW THROUGH, FOLLOW THROUGH, and did I mention FOLLOW THROUGH. I stressed that an offer to help should not even be considered if they were not willing to commit to FOLLOWING THROUGH. The commitment might be a one-time deal, or it may be a long-term commitment, especially if family is unable to assist in the needs of the widow/widower. I asked them to not even become involved if they were unable to make that very important individual commitment with the intention of hanging with it until the need does not exist or the person has released them from their commitment.
To my surprise, one topic that brought much discussion was about adult children and how we and they dealt with the subject of moving forward with regard to any future relationships. I must admit that this was the first time in the past 5 years that this subject was brought up. It was interesting to hear their views of how they would feel if their surviving parent decided to 'bring someone new' into their family dynamics. I thought, 'Very interesting. They're thinking way outside the box right now.'
I apologize for the length of my post, but I wanted to share some of the most important issues we discussed. There were so many others, some humorous, some extremely serious. My closing comments were: 'When I buried my husband, I buried my future. I then was left with the overwhelming responsibility to create a new future.' I also stressed to the best of my ability that a new widow/widower is immediately faced with an EMPTY LIFE. It's like an empty pot that we begin filling up with hopeful 'stuff.' Some of that stuff works, some we have to pull out and replace.
I watched their young faces change in expression as they began to realize the unrealistic assumptions held by those who have not faced the loss of a spouse. I took this opportunity to express what a spouse missed and didn't hold back on the appropriate details. Some of them were newly married, some engaged, most (smiles) in love. So when I described the emptiness and loneliness of losing the one we loved more than life itself, their sweet angelic, innocent countenances changed to the strained look of dread to which we have become so accustomed.
Blessings to each and every one of you who knows actually what I had to try and convey. It is my prayer that they will never assume that the survivor is 'over it' and has it 'all together' with no help needed. NOT!!!!!!!!! TJ
Below is a synopsis of how the panel discussion with pre-seminary students went, pertaining to the subject of loss and how people/church either failed or succeeded. Again, thank you so much for you helpful input.
********
Yesterday went better than well!. It was fantastic to see the LIGHT COME ON during our Q & A session with the pre-seminary students. When I took my seat facing the class, I saw a variety of expressions on those young faces. They weren't sure what to expect, but as the session continued you could see the awareness take hold. Hands were raised to ask questions, and it was at that point I was able to convey my experiences as well as the many good responses received from my friends on DS. We were off and running!
The 1st and most perplexing question addressed was: 'What makes people different in dealing with loss? Why does one person 'get over it' (what a huge misnomer) quicker than another?' That was a great opening to explain 'expectations.' The other widow with whom I shared the panel was quick to clarify that one of the most harmful things a person or group of persons can do is place expectations on a widow/widower. Each heals at a different pace; individual memories and experiences profoundly affect us in assorted ways. There are no timelines, no guidebooks, no concrete answers. This transitioned into the various ways they could assist the grieving, both emotionally and physically. I shared with them the helpful comments you contributed. I'm sure you all noticed how often the same concerns were voiced in your replies to my post which illustrates the naivety of people who are trying to comfort us.
The 2nd most important issue discussed was the helpfulness (or lack thereof) of individuals and the church in general. FOLLOW THROUGH, FOLLOW THROUGH, and did I mention FOLLOW THROUGH. I stressed that an offer to help should not even be considered if they were not willing to commit to FOLLOWING THROUGH. The commitment might be a one-time deal, or it may be a long-term commitment, especially if family is unable to assist in the needs of the widow/widower. I asked them to not even become involved if they were unable to make that very important individual commitment with the intention of hanging with it until the need does not exist or the person has released them from their commitment.
To my surprise, one topic that brought much discussion was about adult children and how we and they dealt with the subject of moving forward with regard to any future relationships. I must admit that this was the first time in the past 5 years that this subject was brought up. It was interesting to hear their views of how they would feel if their surviving parent decided to 'bring someone new' into their family dynamics. I thought, 'Very interesting. They're thinking way outside the box right now.'
I apologize for the length of my post, but I wanted to share some of the most important issues we discussed. There were so many others, some humorous, some extremely serious. My closing comments were: 'When I buried my husband, I buried my future. I then was left with the overwhelming responsibility to create a new future.' I also stressed to the best of my ability that a new widow/widower is immediately faced with an EMPTY LIFE. It's like an empty pot that we begin filling up with hopeful 'stuff.' Some of that stuff works, some we have to pull out and replace.
I watched their young faces change in expression as they began to realize the unrealistic assumptions held by those who have not faced the loss of a spouse. I took this opportunity to express what a spouse missed and didn't hold back on the appropriate details. Some of them were newly married, some engaged, most (smiles) in love. So when I described the emptiness and loneliness of losing the one we loved more than life itself, their sweet angelic, innocent countenances changed to the strained look of dread to which we have become so accustomed.
Blessings to each and every one of you who knows actually what I had to try and convey. It is my prayer that they will never assume that the survivor is 'over it' and has it 'all together' with no help needed. NOT!!!!!!!!! TJ
I feel that you are one of the brightest lights on our path here at DS. You are always encouraging, calm, kind and your messages are uplifting. I wish I could attend the GTG and meet you in person - but I will have to be just a cyber-friend. May God bless and keep you each day.
Hugs - Doye
Much Love and Big Hugs, Martha