Hi everyone.  Two weeks ago I posted an entry entitled "I need to be very careful".  I was explaining how I walk a path every day for exercise and along the way, I have met a man who I felt attracted to and it is obvious that he is attracted to me as well.

I was beyond surprised..............stunned, really.  I have only been widowed for 7 months and there is absolutely no way I am ready for another relationship.  Still, as my mama always said, "We can't help how we feel, we can only help how we act."  This man had a way of making me smile and making me feel attractive and I posted "I need to be very careful."

One thing I didn't post but that was a red flag for me was that I had smelled alcohol on him.  Once or twice, OK, because we are all adults and no one is perfect.  I enjoy a Bud Lite Lime-A-Rita myself on occasion.  But then it became three times and five times and well, every time I talked to him. 

Then he told me that he didn't drive and when I asked him why not, he told me because he had lost his license for DWI.

My first husband was an alcoholic.  I was very young, the marriage was short-lived and thankfully we have had no contact with each other for well over 30 years.  He was incredibly charming at first but later became very controlling and abusive.  I consider myself "one of the ones who got away" and have been grateful every day since that I escaped with my life.  Then I met Steve and we were married for 31 years and raised a beautiful family.  Steve died seven months ago from cancer.

Anyway, I am stunned but maybe I shouldn't be.  Maybe the same traits that attracted me to my first husband are at work all over again.  Maybe I just got incredibly lucky with Steve but overall, I am attracted to men who are very bad for me.  I certainly wouldn't be the first woman!  However, there is a huge difference.  I was 18 years old when I married my first husband.  I am 55 years old now.  I am old enough to know better.

And so, this attractive man with alcohol on his breath and I talked.  I had already told him I wasn't ready for a relationship but he asked if we could just talk and get to know each other as friends.  And no, actually, we can't.  What is going on between us is not friendship................it's inexplicable but undeniable attraction.  And I cannot have any part of it.

I told him "There are some red flags" and he said, "I know, I know, the smoking and the drinking".  I didn't even have to say anything, except "yes".  And so we pretty much parted ways and wished each other well. 

I have now altered my daily walk so as to make sure I do not walk by his house.  In order to alter the route, I have added a mile and a half to my walk (!), which should give you some idea of just how determined I am to stay far away from this man.  So now I am walking five miles a day instead of three and a half mile.  My decision to stay away from him is both physically and emotionally healthy!!

I hope I don't come across in this post as judgemental or preachy.  I am not anti-alcohol.................like I said, I enjoy a Bud Lite Lime-A-Rita with dinner sometimes.  But OMG-Lord-Have-Mercy I do not need to get involved with a charming man with a drinking problem!!!

And right now, I don't need to be involved with anyone.  I am still grieving my beloved Steve and I honestly think what happened here is that I miss Steve so much that for a brief moment I just wanted to have a man make me feel like a woman again. 

I do not know if there will ever be enough room in my heart for another man or not, but it is much too soon.  But if the time ever comes, this particular man is not the right man for me!  He is bright, attractive and charming and I am grieving, vulnerable and bereft.  Recipe For Trouble.  And so, I will just keep walking that mile and half out of my way.  It has been 10 days and we haven't seen or spoken with each other and I think I will just keep walking.

God, I miss Steve so much.

Sylvia