me as well but proud I can do more ever dreamed I could . I dont want to go somewhere be supported more want someone reach out help me from drowning .I am not even sure ready any this even

You and your husband were a team. Each had seperate duties and now you are doing it all yourself. This morning, I spent an hour paying bills, during that hour my wife would have made breakfast and coffee. I have not made coffee since she died and I really tire of having to do all the work of the team by myself. For me it's not so much learning new things, but having extra new tasks every day in addition to all my old ones. I hope the group works out for you, I am thinking about going to one that meets once a month since it,s the only one in town, I have heard mixed reviews.

Violet I'm going to be starting a support group myself in a few weeks which is being offered through the hospice where my husband passed at, I'm a little nervous because I don't know what to expect from it but I'm hoping I will be able to connect with some people that are experiencing the same pain I am & as for the everyday tasks, I agree it's definetly been a learning process for me having to deal with car issues, home repairs & making all the financial decisions alone but it's also a lot of the everyday tasks that my husband & shared & now I'm having to do it all & work fulltime, it's been tough & yes somedays I am very tired of everything but Im trying hard to find a new normal for myself & just accept what needs to be done & do the best I can......................Kim

I am glad you finally found a good face-to-face group! Those are hard to come by it seems. There wasn't one near me; it's part of the reason I wound up on DS.

After Cliff died, I had to take on everything he normally would have done, and often I was clueless. I am not stupid, it just wasn't within my experience to do some things, and there were a number of things around the house that were simply physically impossible for 5'4" me to do as easily as 6'2" Cliff. Duh... My sons felt the same way as they had to step up and take care of things, especially the tall guy-heavy lifting stuff, and they felt equally unprepared. Somehow we all muddled through.

It got pretty ridiculous at times, especially when it came time to start selling things off. It turned out that some of Cliff's things were collectible and some were rare, etc. Suddenly I had to do a crash course learning about rare books, guitars, amplifiers, rock & roll memorabilia, and a bunch of other stuff. It was already draining because a lot of this stuff carried emotional weight, but then I had to spend a fair amount of time researching and teaching myself how to handle them.

I learned who I could trust and who I could ask for advice, etc. I paid for help after I got tired of waiting for help that was proffered but didn't materialize. I kept our home warranty policy in place and that was a smart thing to do - it costs a bit but any appliance repairs, plumbers, etc., only cost me a call-out fee and I don't have to search for a tradesperson - the insurance company has already done that.

Sometimes doing it yourself means hiring someone else. You can't always be Wonder Woman/Superman. I am pretty comfortable doing more do-it-yourself stuff than I was 5 years ago, but I have also learned my limits, too. I also learned some people will try and steamroller over you if they can, so I stand my ground and follow my gut instincts. On one occasion, I had a repair person tell me it would take weeks and $1000 to fix an electrical problem, and he was pushing for me to give him the downpayment and agree to his plan. I didn't. I got a referral from a coworker for another electrician who came out and fixed the problem in 2 hours and charged me $100. Oh yeah, there are crooks out there looking for people like us.

You should be proud of all you have accomplished, even though I know how exhausting those accomplishments are. And you should know you are setting an amazing example for your son, too, about how to handle all that life is throwing at you. That's important too!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

P.S. - There are a lot of good how-to videos on the internet. If you're stuck, Google for videos.

I belong to a hospice group and there are about 6 core members. We have people come/go for one meeting, but for the most part our meetings focus on everyday living and the future. A lot of the newer members told us that they were afraid that everyone would be sitting around crying and it would make them feel worse rather than better. However, some are pleasantly surprised that our group is focused on rebuilding our lives to some type of normal and we talk about everything from how to get the toilet fixed to how to put in lightbulbs.

Nessie from KY

I am going to a support group through the Hospice Care for the first time next Tuesday. I will let everyone know howit goes.

I attended a hospice group for those widowed less than six months and it was awe inspiring. We had about eight people and there were tears, but there were also bonds, understanding and positive steps. It lasted eight sessions meeting every two weeks. When it ended a new group started similiar to the one Nessie talks about. I wasn't ready for this 'how to do it' group because I was still in denial and not coping. I changed to private counseling and it worked better for me. We all heal at different times, but as long as you keep picking yourself up and taking the steps you make it. Sharo.

1. I started going to the hospice widowers group the month after my wife's burial. It's good for me.
2. I have started cutting back on my outside activities (don't worry, I was doing ALOT) because I have to do so much that my wife used to do. It's amazing how much time and energy is taken up with just basics, which leaves little left for outside stuff for me.

I tried going to a support group a few weeks ago, the person leading the group did not show and did not left a message. That didn't go well. I am doing many things new, I saw wood and drive to the dump site on top of a hill with my husband big long truck. I was scared to drive that high up and the gate lady asked about about my husband, that made me cried.

I understand the learning to do new things and being tired of it. It has been years since I have done any woodwork, but when we moved in this house the fireplace mantle was horrible ugly and I decided to put a better one over it from scratch. My son thought I could not do it. I not only did it, but I did it by myself and in time for our first Christmas in the house. It looks great!

I guess the bottom line is I hate the learning curve, but I do get to take pride in what I can do and I don't have to wait for someone to do it for me.