I recently posted in the Bereavement group and was told to venture over here. I am not a Widow, but my boyfriend passed away very unexpectedly at age 30, two months ago today. Often my pain, suffering and grief has been minimized because he was "just a boyfriend". He wasn't "just a boyfriend", it was serious, marriage had long been discussed, I knew right after I met him he was the one, our parents knew, our friends knew, people waited on pins and needles for "the announcement". They got the announcement none of us dreamed of.

I found Chad, dead of an apparent overdose (I'm waiting on the autopsy), but I know. He long suffered with addiction, but not while we were dating, he had been clean long before I met him. He was always proud of the fact he hadn't hurt me, he told me that meant more to him than anything. I am not angry with him, I know there is no answer to the question everyone wants to ask "Why?". To be honest, it doesn't matter, he would still be gone.

My heart is shattered into a million pieces. I miss him more with each day that passes. His family has been more than supportive of me, they include me in all their family dinners, parties, etc. They invited me when they went to speak with their Rabbi before his funeral even though I am not of the same faith. They have been incredible. I have friends that have been incredible, but they don't know what to say or do; thank god, they have never felt this pain.

I feel actual physical pain, I can't breathe at times. I still have his cigarettes on the porch, something I hated, I can't move them, pretty much all of his things are where he left them. We had a forever to live, and now I am here alone. I wake up, I go to work, I go home, I play with the dog, and I think of him while doing all of it and then I cry. Then every Sunday, I go sit with him and talk. I feel pain that we didn't have the opportunity to have children. He wanted children so badly, I ache that he never got to experience that, he would have been the most amazing father.

I have been told by some that I'm lucky he was "just a boyfriend" because I can replace a boyfriend. I don't want to replace him, I want him back, I want to be able to give him back to his parents, who hurt worse than me I'm sure. Those words were so cruel, I'm sure they weren't meant to be. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare....