My Tim and I never really had that specific discussion either.

But Tim's philosiphy was that "No one wants to grow old alone" so I would assume that he would expect me to find someone.
I am 53 and never expected to be in this position.

I always teased Tim that he would be remarried in 3 months if anything happened to me. And he did not disagree, he would not want to be alone.

It's deffinately something to ponder.

Hugs, Sandi
Tim passed 8 days after our 36th wedding anniversary.

Being as I got married when I was 16, I don't know how to be single. Also to get past the feeling that I am cheating.

If you would like to have a man's opinion, I would have wanted my wife to do whatever she wanted to do if I had passed first. I would want her to be happy.

I remember having one conversation a while before she even knew she was sick. We were talking about how much longer she could work and about retirement and what if and when one of weren't here. I remember we both agreed that it is hard live alone and both of us would be ok with the other finding companionship again. I'm not sure if I could ever get married again, but I would like to have someone to go out with, go to the movie with, just hang out with. I think your husbands would have felt the same, after all they love you and want you to be happy. I believe that completely.

Take care...

Jeff

My wife and I never had a serious talk about this but often joked about it. I felt being the male I would go first, but she felt since she had some medical issues it would be her. I know she would want me to be happy, so whatever that meant to me she would be OK with. I'm at 17 months and the feeling of being alone has set in, which I don't like, but I'm not at the point I could be with anyone else either. I'm hoping as I move forward I can open my heart to another, but not sure it can happen.
Russ

My husband also passed away suddenly. He was 62. We hardly ever talked about what we would each do with our lives if the other passed away. I didn't like to talk about death either. He told me he would never remarry and would sell our house because he wouldn't be able to stay there without me. He thought I would remarry if something happened to him. I always would laugh it off and tell him we were going to grow old together and share a room at a retirement home.

My husband was the love of my life. I know there is none other like him...but I really don't want to grow old alone. So if it's meant to be, to have someone new in my life, then it will happen.

Hugs,
Shari

I, too, don't know what my husband would've wanted. We never discussed it either. I think, for him, he would've stayed single. He was a solitary person. He was so protective of what WE had, I don't know how he felt about me moving on if he passed first. Of course, I am young, 39. I'm also just a month in my journey, so moving forward with someone else is such a foreign idea to me and dating again terrifies me. I don't want to be alone, but I agree with getting past the feeling of cheating would be a daunting task.

Michael would have wanted me to find someone because he worried about me. Even tho I'm very independent he knew how I needed someone to fall back on. So I'm sure even tho we never talked about it he would want me to be happy.
As for what he would have done..I don't know. I believe he would have gone with the flow of life like he always did and let whatever happened happen. I can hear him say "It is what it is"

I guess Don and I were different than most or circumstances allowed us to be. We did talk about death, mostly his because he was terminal for 10 weeks with his diagnosis of lung cancer.

Don had had multiple heart attacks within the 12 years before he passed. He had non Hodgkins lymphoma about 8 years before. The chemo and radiation took a toll on his organs and caused him to be insulin dependent diabetic with other complications less severe. Then, 6 years after being cancer free he was diagnosed with lung cancer that had metastictised to his bones and head. We were not in denial of his future. Yet always felt "not today. "

Those weeks between diagnosis and his death were filled with pain control, but also provided us with time to say what needed to be said. One of which was his peace in leaving that depended on my being "okay. "

At the end his death was peaceful and beautiful as I watched him travel to .....

What they want for us is to be content in the place we are and to help us arrive there. Sharon

My husband could never bear to think of life without me, so discussion was tough. I did bring it up one time in casual conversation. No surprise that we were both on the same page. No desire to have another partner, no desire to remarry.

I don't consider myself alone, nor do I see a bleak future living my life out single (however long that may be). If my husband had expressed wanting me to find another, his opinion would have been respected, but isn't his priority to expect me to follow through with his wishes.

It has been five years, and I believe I have more than proven that I can take care of myself and am not "lonely". The only thing I believe he wants for me is to do whatever makes me happy, and that's exactly what I am doing.

my husband set the bar so high that I don't think anyone could ever meet my expectations. I was treated like the queen. And that is not an exaggeration. The last text I received from him, he was trying to tell me he would cook dinner and do dishes when he got home from work. I had hurt my back. He worked outside it was 91 degrees and he worked 13 hour days and was killed that day in an accident. But I had his dinner in the crockpot and the kitchen was clean when I got that horrible call. He always did everything, I never even has to put gas in the car. He poured my coffee when he heard me coming down the steps. I am learning to take care of myself now and he would be proud! Can't imagine anyone else for me and I'm 57.

Because we had 8 days after finding out that Howie was terminal, we had time to talk about a few things ... He expressed that he wanted for me to move on with my life and that was all he would say on the subject. Ever the protector he wanted to do the right thing by telling me this but I could tell that it was costing him to say so...

Regardless I would not be able to tell you what he would have done if I had gone first as in the end no one really knows what they will do when the situation arise. I did not want anyone in my life when Howie came into it . It was meant to be. But I do know without a doubt that he usually wanted for me what I wanted for him and had I gone before him I would have wanted for him to find peace and happiness again. He knew this because I told him so on many occasions. I would tell him to give himself some time to grieve and then go on with his life.
we did talk about death with him being reluctant to talk about it. I had my funeral wants written down in a file and told him where to look if something happened to me. When it came time to talk , he told me to please plan for him what I wanted for myself. He thought that it was the right thing.
He told me not to spend money on a costly funeral and do it cheap. When I went to the cemetery to chose his final place of rest, I could not keep that part of the plans for him as I felt he deserved better. I don`t regret going with my heart and choosing a better place.
Will I ever love again? I don`t know the answer to that . No one really knows the answer to that unless they chose to close themselves from the world.

I don't see it as two hearts, just one heart full of love to give to the right person. I think you can love two people with one heart it is just a different love.

Thank you Jeff for your view, I appreciate it. I was always the one to bring up the subject worried I would go first and Wayne did not like being alone. I wanted him to find someone, not better than me but good as (that always made him smile). He would never ask, not his way, I told him once I probably never would then grinned and said once you've had the best you can't settle for less. His smile and eyes and mostly his love let me know that he wanted me to be happy.

Like Rebl3157 Wayne treated me like a queen and he was my king. All my friends use to tell me they could tell he loved me and was in love with me-we had chemistry not just sexual a real chemistry, we were a perfect fit.

Will I ever find or have another, I doubt it but someday (not now, definitely not now) I can see myself in a casual friendship anything more than that I don't know... but I do not know where my paths will lead only that I must slowly travel them with baby steps. Love and Hugs-Jewley

We were/are soulmates Just out of high school We were meant for each other. We were two hearts too. I can't see mysmelf with another but who knows

Kim,
A few simple questions to ponder.
Would you want your husband to be happy, if you had passed?
Would you appreciate someone really being there for him, if for some reason you couldnt be?
Would you want the best for him?
We cannot nor would we want to, replace our spouse. It is not a betrayal to allow someone at some point, to become an addition to our lives. I hope someday you can become comfortable with those thoughts, it takes time.
Eventually you can truly honor his life, by continuing to live yours. In the meantime, we struggle and we grieve. I am so sorry for your loss.
Martin

You will never find anybody who will replace your person but you can have feelings for another and even get to a point that making a new life chapter is possible. People often feel as if that would be tantamount to being unfaithful! That is not true. Ask any mother of 12 children if she could find love for another child? Each person who comes into our lives has his own space

Kim, what you are experiencing is totally normal and understandable. When you have been faithful to one person for a long time, it feels like cheating to even contemplate the possibility of another relationship. I went through that - Cliff and I had been together for 30 years, I had been faithful to him a very long time, so the idea of a new relationship went counter to everything I had ingrained in me for most of my life. Of course it was going to feel strange and somehow wrong. For me, I realized the reality was that if Cliff were still alive that it wouldn't even be a question - it wouldn't even come up most likely (I'm just not the cheating type!), but he is gone and not coming back. For myself and for my family, I had to do what felt true for me. And I did question whether the feelings I had for my (now) new husband were true or not, or whether I was just lonely, horny, scared, crazy, or whatever.

I think at the end of the day, we have to do what feels true and honest in our hearts, otherwise, how do you live with yourself? Sometimes that means doing as our late spouses wanted us to do, and sometimes that may mean doing the opposite of what they thought we should do, and if you never knew their stance on the relationship question, then it's up to you, isn't it?

For some, a new relationship is not what they will ever want or need or find. That's fine and I have no problem supporting people who make that kind of decision, and we do have choices and options, and I think we should support each other in that. God knows that the rest of the world doesn't understand these things, so we really need to support each other. I think that for myself, even if Cliff had said nothing on the topic, or if he had said he didn't want me to remarry if I lost him, that it wouldn't have made that much difference. The final decision was up to me.

Cliff and I taught each other a whole lot of things over the course of three decades together. I carry those lessons with me always. His way of thinking, of believing, of muddling through even, these all stayed with me and color my thinking. Even if I were not doing what he wanted, his influence is always there. Because my new husband is a widower, it is sometimes like having 4 people in it, as he carries the influence and lessons from his late wife, too.

You are still in your first year as a widow. It is not an urgent thing to decide right now. Take care of you for now, and try not to worry about it if you can. I think you will find your own answers on this as you grow stronger and find your way.

Love and Hugs,
Martha