I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss. Two years of being a caretaker is hard on everyone and I'm sure you can think back and know you did the best you could under horrible circumstances. I understand also, your husbands illness changed his personality, it happens a lot.

Don't dwell on those hard times when you had 36 years of memories that showed each other how good life could be. He is at peace now and I'm convinced he smiles when he looks down at you with love and gratitude for all you've done for him over the years.

Let me share a personal story: my husband and his sister were estranged for over 20 years. She knew of his terminal illness and chose not to respond in any way. My husband was angry and told me he didn't want her at his grave since she chose not to be a part of his life.

Well she came to the funeral and I was speechless (odd for me!) and unsure what to do until my son took my hand and said, "Mom, there's no fighting in heaven. Dad isn't mad any more."

Those words meant so much to me in the months following his service. It goes beyond the single relationship between brother and sister and is a good motto for live. Forget and forgive the past especially forgive yourself. Guilt implies intent and I'm sure your intent was love. Sharon

I am so sorry for your loss and that you have joined us on this journey that we did not chose. The guilt that comes with it is very hard to handle. I cried more about what I should have done or did not do or did not say or did say than I can remember. In time, you will forgive yourself for being human. We all do the best that we can at the time, given what is happening at that time. Right now just be easy on yourself. It sounds like everything and everyone was effected by his illness. You need to be kind to you now.
Many hugs,
Kathy

You did indeed have a bad time. As for feeling guilty....we all do in one way or another. We all go through our woulda-shoulda-coulda's. Believe in your self and that you did what seemed to be right at that time. Don't beat yourself down......believe in yourself and what you can do from here on. Kaaren

I bet there are many, many people who can relate to what you are saying. My father was exactly the same way. My brother-in-law has a brain disorder (began when he was 55) and my sister after a few years put him in a nursing home (he is very angry and difficult), and my husband on some level I can relate. We all can look back and say we wish we had behaved differently - but we're saying that at a time when we no longer are dealing with the problem right in front of us so it is easy to say. We deal with situations the best we can at that moment. If you had behaved differently you would not have been expressing your own anger, anxiety, fear and tension - then you might have eventually really gone off the deep end. Make an effort to remember the good times - the large majority of your marriage is the important time - not a very small portion when you were both suffering in one way or another. Look back at pictures of happier times and remember that you and your husband both did the best you could with what you were dealt with at the time - and that part was only a small portion of your time together.

I too am so sorry for your loss and so sorry that you've joined our group. But I'm also glad that you have found DS as you will find so much support, comfort and understanding here.

I agree with everything that Sharon, Kaaren and KS have said - you know and your husband knows that you did everything possible for him under those circumstances. You have so many good memories to think of - to draw from. 36 years of fun and excitement - let that be your memory.

You did all you could do - now be good to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve but don't let the guilt monster surface because you have nothing to feel guilty about. I wish you some peace - we're always here.

Hugs2U,
Chris

I am so sorry for your loss and the difficult years you and your husband had to endure. As we know, the grief process and time line is different for each individual and you are so early in this journey. Although my situation was different from yours, my husband had lung and bone cancer for 8 months and that's just about all I could remember for quite some time. It was like a horrible movie playing over and over. I think it's a form of post traumatic stress that some of us experience with a lengthy illness. At 2 1/2 yrs., I am just beginning to allow myself to remember some of the good times.

I think most of us express feelings of guilt, what if's, etc. That's part of grief too. We did the best we could with the information we had and the difficult situations we were in. No matter what we would have done it wouldn't have changed the outcome.

Please try not to beat yourself up - you don't deserve it. None of us do. You took good care of your husband and you loved each other and that's all that really matters. The good memories begin to come back in time as I am finding out. DS is a place with kind, understanding people and reading, posting, venting can really help. It helps me. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Sandra

Hello Forget and forgive your husband for the last two years of his life has you have said it was because of what he was going through but do the same for your self with the guilt your are feeling.You were there with him and doing the best you could. I loved what Shrn said "Guilt implies intent" never have thought of it like that, wish I had. It took along time to and many prayers to get past my guilt. Take care Dave

I am so sorry for you loss. Illness and caregiving take awful tolls on people. We all just do the best we can at the time......and feel regret and guilt later. I think it is a normal part of the grieving process. It will get better and the good memories will overtake the bad ones.....it just takes time....a lot of time. This is a wonderful site filled with caring people traveling the same journey....just at different points. I am sorry for the loss that brought you here......but welcome. Hugs, Dianne

One month ago, I am so sorry but glad you came to DS. Indeed caregiving can take such a toll and there are always things to feel remorse about, something you could have done better, been more patient with. When people are dx with disease they certainly can change. In my case my husband had brain cancer. Although Rob wasn't mean, it often depends on the location of the tumors, it was important to remind myself and others found it necessary to remember that it wasn't the man, it was the disease. There is just so many flashbacks and it really is post traumatic stress it will take time to be able to put things in place in your mind and get back to when it was good. Therapy helps and here at DS you will not feel alone. Hug, Donna

So sorry for your loss. I won't repeat the good advice that has already been given. I wish you peace. Take care of you. Hugs, Joely