Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am a little over two months out and my mind is still reeling.
Here's a little background: I'm 37 and my husband of nearly 20 years passed away in February at the age of 44. While his health hadn't been the best over the last couple of years, it was beginning to improve. Then, on 2/17 I took him to the ER thinking he had cellulitis, which would have just resulted in them admitting him and administering antibiotics. But, then on 2/18 his blood pressure and sugars began to crash and they moved him to CCU. That was on Thursday. By Friday, he had developed sepsis and his body began going into shock trying to fight the infection. On Sunday, his liver and kidneys were failing, and he was put on a ventilator that evening. On Wednesday, 2/24/16 at 3:22 p.m. he passed away with both of my older children holding his hands as he left this earthly world to enter into Heaven.
What I'm trying to say is that his death was sudden and unexpected. He had no idea this would happen, none of us did. In the short time span of one week we went from being a happy family to one of complete and total devastation.
I apologize in advance for this post because my mind is all over the place. There's not much continuity in my thoughts at the moment.
In previous posts, people have written about when the new reality actually sunk in that they were never going to be able to hold or speak to their other half.
My moment actually happened this week. Twice. Michael always enjoyed eating at the Waffle House. But, the only location in our city is on the side of an extremely busy 6-lane highway. So, you were really taking your own life into your hands when you went to eat there. Anyway, we kept waiting and waiting for them to build one on our side of town. Guess what. They have just began construction of one within 10 minutes of our house. When I saw the sign on the road letting us know what was being built, I thought to myself, "I have got to call Michael. This will make his day." No sooner did the thought come to my mind I picked up the phone only to realize that no one would answer the ring, only his voice mail. The reality left me stunned.
Secondly, the new cycle of utility bills are now coming in and they are nearly half of what they were before his passing. To realize the difference, that he is no longer here using electricity to turn up the heat (because of his condition, he was always cold - even if it was 85 degrees outside), no longer washing countless loads of laundry, etc. While I guess I should be relieved financially, seeing the decline in usage made me feel empty inside. Am I crazy, or what?
I took my 4 year old to a birthday party at church last week and I couldn't help feeling a bit envious and overcome with sadness. The birthday girl's grandmothers were taking pictures, her whole family was there (as should be). It was just a sad reminder of something we'll never have. Michael's parents passed away last year. My family is extremely dysfunctional so I don't even associate with them. So, in a way I feel completely and utterly alone in this world. This party just reminded me how alone I actually am. Michael won't be there to celebrate her 5th birthday, her Preschool graduation, our son and daughter's high school graduation, along with any and all other milestones that we take for granted when we haven't experienced this loss.
My children, ages 14, 13, and 4, have handled this tragedy remarkably well. I just can't seem to get my stuff together. I feel like I'm walking in quicksand. Like I'm running my heart out, but I'm not moving. I know that these things take time.
I don't want to be one of those mothers that lets grief consume their being for years on end. That would not be fair to my children. I want to show them that you can overcome the injustices that life throws your way. I just don't know how to put things into perspective so that I can wake up in a new day and actually accomplish a minor goal such as cleaning the house.
Thank you for listening as I go on about my thoughts.
I visit this site daily and I want all of you to know that you are all in my prayers each night. I'm so sorry that we belong to this club, but then again I'm thankful for the forum that not only allows us to share our deep pain and frustration, but also lends us an opportunity to encourage and support one another.
Thank you for being there.
Here's a little background: I'm 37 and my husband of nearly 20 years passed away in February at the age of 44. While his health hadn't been the best over the last couple of years, it was beginning to improve. Then, on 2/17 I took him to the ER thinking he had cellulitis, which would have just resulted in them admitting him and administering antibiotics. But, then on 2/18 his blood pressure and sugars began to crash and they moved him to CCU. That was on Thursday. By Friday, he had developed sepsis and his body began going into shock trying to fight the infection. On Sunday, his liver and kidneys were failing, and he was put on a ventilator that evening. On Wednesday, 2/24/16 at 3:22 p.m. he passed away with both of my older children holding his hands as he left this earthly world to enter into Heaven.
What I'm trying to say is that his death was sudden and unexpected. He had no idea this would happen, none of us did. In the short time span of one week we went from being a happy family to one of complete and total devastation.
I apologize in advance for this post because my mind is all over the place. There's not much continuity in my thoughts at the moment.
In previous posts, people have written about when the new reality actually sunk in that they were never going to be able to hold or speak to their other half.
My moment actually happened this week. Twice. Michael always enjoyed eating at the Waffle House. But, the only location in our city is on the side of an extremely busy 6-lane highway. So, you were really taking your own life into your hands when you went to eat there. Anyway, we kept waiting and waiting for them to build one on our side of town. Guess what. They have just began construction of one within 10 minutes of our house. When I saw the sign on the road letting us know what was being built, I thought to myself, "I have got to call Michael. This will make his day." No sooner did the thought come to my mind I picked up the phone only to realize that no one would answer the ring, only his voice mail. The reality left me stunned.
Secondly, the new cycle of utility bills are now coming in and they are nearly half of what they were before his passing. To realize the difference, that he is no longer here using electricity to turn up the heat (because of his condition, he was always cold - even if it was 85 degrees outside), no longer washing countless loads of laundry, etc. While I guess I should be relieved financially, seeing the decline in usage made me feel empty inside. Am I crazy, or what?
I took my 4 year old to a birthday party at church last week and I couldn't help feeling a bit envious and overcome with sadness. The birthday girl's grandmothers were taking pictures, her whole family was there (as should be). It was just a sad reminder of something we'll never have. Michael's parents passed away last year. My family is extremely dysfunctional so I don't even associate with them. So, in a way I feel completely and utterly alone in this world. This party just reminded me how alone I actually am. Michael won't be there to celebrate her 5th birthday, her Preschool graduation, our son and daughter's high school graduation, along with any and all other milestones that we take for granted when we haven't experienced this loss.
My children, ages 14, 13, and 4, have handled this tragedy remarkably well. I just can't seem to get my stuff together. I feel like I'm walking in quicksand. Like I'm running my heart out, but I'm not moving. I know that these things take time.
I don't want to be one of those mothers that lets grief consume their being for years on end. That would not be fair to my children. I want to show them that you can overcome the injustices that life throws your way. I just don't know how to put things into perspective so that I can wake up in a new day and actually accomplish a minor goal such as cleaning the house.
Thank you for listening as I go on about my thoughts.
I visit this site daily and I want all of you to know that you are all in my prayers each night. I'm so sorry that we belong to this club, but then again I'm thankful for the forum that not only allows us to share our deep pain and frustration, but also lends us an opportunity to encourage and support one another.
Thank you for being there.
And don't let anyone else put any excessive demands on you, either...
you may feel pressure from some people that you should be "over-it" or "back-to-normal" by now...which is so much pure unadulterated bullshit...you may feel or even hear that coming from those who have never come close to going through what you are going through right now.
Of this you can be sure...anyone who has never experienced the loss of a spouse, has no way of understanding what it is.
Nor do they have any right to expect you to "Be over it" or "move on", or any of the other things people like to say just to hear themselves talk.
You are going through changes now, it comes with the territory, and it may take awhile before you begin to understand what just happened, or even how you feel about it...but the most important thing right now, is that you and your kids remain close to one another...because they are just as scared and confused as you are, even if they try to hide it from you, out of love for you.
Grieve naturally as you will...feel...remember...cry...take care of you, and your family...
You owe apologies to no-one!
I had a similar experience this month. It's going to be three months for me. Early this month, when our bank statements came in. I just sat there for a while.
Reading what you wrote about it helps me to see that it's not just me. None of my friends that I know would understand.
I have lost track of how many things have cropped up over the months that I would start to pick up the cell phone while in the car and call her about. Just another kick in the gut that she isn't physically with me anymore. I know she is living in her spiritual body and I will be there one day also, but for the present, excuse my languge, this is HELL.
My prayers are with all also. Please take care.
Peace, TIm