Yes!!!! So sorry for your loss. The pain and loss is indescribable and knowing he will never be with me again is just plain awful. I am 2 1/2 months in and it seems a life time. The way your describe the tree is perfect and hopefully someday we will get to the budding part of the tree . Right now the emptiness, quietness and loneliness is so over powering.
So your definitely not alone in this. There are many of us here experiencing what you are.
My prayers and thoughts are with you during this very difficult time.

My in-laws have been very kind to me since my wife
passed away and I can understand why...it was their sister and aunt that I had taken care of for many years.
They have so many good memories of her and I have responded the same by telling them all of the good
memories I have.
But, in truth Barb had two sides one that was open,loving and caring.And,the other side closed,self-center and mean!
I had to live with both...I loved the kind loving side and the mean hateful side not so much!
I had to always walk on eggshells for fear of setting her off and it only got worse as her disease progressed.
Now,that she's gone that only makes the process of grieving that much harder...I miss her good,loving,caring side and at the same time I'm relieved that I'm not having to deal with her mean,nasty and cruel side!
And, It upsets me even more that I can't tell my in laws the truth about what living with and taking care of her was really like....it was actually like a living hell!
They loved her so much if I told them they most probably wouldn't believe any thing that I say and in the process reject me as part of their family!
Has anyone else experienced anything like or similar to this where you have had to deal with not only a person with two separate personalities but, relatives who have nothing but fond,loving memories of their lost loved one?

I was married before for 24 years and two wonderful children from that marriage before I filed for divorce because of living him him was like hell one day and the next day, giving me beautiful gifts because he mentally abused me the day before. I stuck it out until my children went to college and then I couldn’t take it anymore. I know exactly what it was like living With someone that had two personalities. I went to work for a doctors office and met the love of my life. We had 25 years of a beautiful marriage until he passed 11/11/2020. No one knew what my children and I lived with until I made up my mine to move forward. I told his family why I was getting a divorce and of course, they didn’t believe me for one second. So of course they stopped talking to me. It was something I was ready to deal with. I understand why you don’t want to say anything to her family. This is all so raw for you and them, so waiting for a little while is probably the best way to go. You will know when the time is right. On the other hand you have to heal yourself first and looking at both sides of her personality and I’m sure that will help you to recover. Good luck to you on this grief process.

Hi L'InTime,

I marvel at the wonderful parable of the "transplant." You have beautiful thoughts. And I understand the agony you deal with (I am there too). I agree that it is painful to make those small and large changes. Many times trusted family and friends became a coach to me during such times, and some were willing to talk frankly during my weaker moments, then most of family avoided strong issues or disturbing news. I often glance back, holding on to doubt or leaning over to pick up a worry or two about how my husband would handle this change. In such occasions of making new changes in the house, it is important for you to process your goals in view of your own ideas; Barb would understand this, and no matter what things appear as, she still cares for what's best for you, so the final decision of settling your home affairs has to satisfy you. I'd like that you keep some things in place as she arranged them, yet enjoy doing this redesign of the home in the custom of a man's life for now.

When it comes to adjusting to change, the same rules apply to Barb, your wife. In spirit, she is on board with the same newness. Death is like any other weigh-in or check-in point. And she is aware of her good and bad days as she lived it on earth. I imagine that she prefers you to keep conversations about which memories are pleasing stories to share with family. And what use is it that they should be aware of her fickle moments or the two sides of her personality? Don't we all experience a sort of the change in character at odd moments? And I intend you no harm to stress this point. It's just the way of dealing with grief that has a phase of anger to deal with, so be careful of what you tell from her side after first considering whether or not you are annoyed by her departure.
In my own case, I had once a moment of personal temptation to tell others about my husband's faults, and this was only a dumb idea, and it was a fleeting idea. I assumed it as a matter just to get back at him for the pain he left in my heart. I caution you to think twice of what you tell of your wife's behavior that is not already familiar to others.

Later on, you may better understand that feelings with grief are often on a rotating basis of ups and downs days. Up day is acceptance and down day is a want for miserable company, awful trips to where you sit in the front seat and Barb will take the backseat. Be good to yourself anyway, we've all been there every now and then.

You are a really good and kindhearted husband for loving your wife, especially during her illness. I am so sorry that you are struggling. I feel that you have greater courage though. Be of comfort today. Best to all!

So sorry for your loss. I lost my husband almost 6 months ago on August 06 to a massive stroke . He had been in the ICU for three weeks for a brain bleed and had just been moved to the neurologist floor to prepare to come home as he was doing very well when he suffered a massive left hemisphere stroke that left him on life support . The day he died , part of me died with him so I can relate to how you feel . I was suddenly a widow at 59 . I was lucky that my 23 old daughter still lives at home . I’m so glad you have your little pup for some company . Shih Tzus are the sweetest funniest little dogs. I lost my 13 year old Shih tzu Marley to diabetic complications last April and miss him terribly too. Aren’t we lucky though that we had someone in our life that made saying good bye so hard. . Your relationship with your wife sounded a little complicated at times but your love for her shines through . I only wish that we all lives near each other so we could all meet for a coffee a chat, wouldn’t that be lovely . The loneliness and the quiet unfortunately can be overwhelming sometimes . Big hugs .

I sometimes describe my marriage to Cliff as my "past imperfect," because it wasn't always a bed of roses. We had some unresolved issues when he died. That made grieving a lot harder. That was one of the reasons I sought counseling. I needed somebody else who wasn't involved to help me work through those old issues. I couldn't dump that on my sons or family or friends.

I received my grief counseling for free through a program at work - an Employee Assistance Program. If you are working, see if there is something available to you.

You can also talk with hospice, and if you're a churchgoer, your pastor/priest may be able to help.

These things are better dealt with by someone who was NOT involved. I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha