Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Total meltdown

annier1071
annier1071
I went on the computer and had hooked up my husbands speakers to play music. I was looking at our wedding pictures last year and there was one that someone took video of with their camera by mistake. It was his friend giving a small toast outside under that pine tree we said "I do" at. I saw Joe moving with the champagne glass in hand and of course he said something silly. He played with the decor on the glass and said " Pete your giving me an erection!!" as his best friend spoke and they both laughed.
I heard his voice! I let the entire weeks tears flow. I sobbed uncontrollably. I watched greys anatomy last night like we always did and that scene where they did the code blue on the man who died sent me off the edge. All I can vision now is Joe's code blue and all the people doing CPR and using the paddles on him and I wasnt there to be with him. Instead I was in the hotel room asleep as he died.
I have never felt this horrible as I do now. Hearing his voice makes me know now that I cannot get through this at all. My life has been so incredibly tough and Joe finally got me to open up and begin to deal with things. I cannot live and be that strong person anymore without him at my side.
I am usually at my daughters house on weekends to get me out of this one where I sit alone since I cannot walk or drive anymore. I stayed home tonight so she could finally go out with her friend and start living life. I am so sorry to say this but I truly wish I would die. I am praying for it now. I just dont want to be on this earth any longer. Life has just been too hard and this is it. I am so done now. I am sooo tired and going to try and sleep tonight and hope God will just take me while I sleep.
Truhal
Truhal
I'm so sorry you're in such pain. This path we're on is a difficult one. You're in my prayers.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand your pain. Tonight I looked at a group of pictures of Roger and had a meltdown. I could not stop crying. This is a terrible journey we are on but we will get through it. I'm praying for you.
Wmsbaby
Wmsbaby
I wish I had words to take your hurt away. In early days I relived my husbands death over and over. I did not care to stay here either, even told God he made a mistake by not taking us both. It took awhile but I could actually go most of a day without falling apart. I pray you will find God has wrapped his loving arms around you and give you peace tonight. Hugs and prayers to you
Rhonda
deleted_user
deleted_user
Annie, Sweetie, I KNOW. I know how you are feeling my friend,. and have been where you are at right now. PLEASE HANG ON. Know that we are all here for you!

I felt the same way about Greg that you feel about your swwet Joe. He saved you right? I feel the same about Greg. He was the one person that REALLY got me! I know how it hurts to have him gone. Taken from you. The first time I heard Greg's voice I CRIED like a newborn. couldn't stop. I wanted to go right along with him. I know how that is to feel so lost fter you feel you have just been found. I know you were shy of your first wedding anniversary, and so were we. Never got to celebrate it, look at our cards, and watch our own video like we had planned to. It DOES HURT!!!

Remember the young man who had to talk to you because Joe was trying to get a message to you. Remember that? He wanted to get that message to you because he LOVES you and he doesn't want to have you HURT like this!

there was NOTHIING you could have done to save him sweetie! If you could have you WOULD have! Hang on sweet friend, and know we understand.

Sending hugs of STRENGTH to you. use MINE until you have your own.

Love, diane
diamond47m
diamond47m
I am so sorry for the pain you are in,I'm at 5 months and the pain has eased up some for me,I turned it all over to God and feel alot better because I know Pat is waiting on me in heaven,He will meet me at the gate or may be the one who comes to get me.Please do not give up,we all can get through this with God's help. I am praying for you. Blessing's Mary
deleted_user
deleted_user
Annie,
I can not tell you how many melt downs or prayers I sent up to God to please take me home in the first 18 months. I still have times when I just dont want to be here. But you will find as you keep moving that you will become stronger than you ever thought you were. My husband did everything for me. Next to God and my children, he was my everything, my soul mate. I have done things now that I never would have tried to do on my own before. I miss him with all my heart...sometimes I still feel so tired that I do just want to go to sleep and not wake up...but it is not as often. Please hang in there. It is a slow healing of our broken hearts...You are in my prayers...Debbie
deleted_user
deleted_user
i still have moments of despair where nothing can help, no matter what any one says. i only want my guy back with me. i still drive alone and start talking to him while crying as if it was the beginning of this horrible journey. i still need him and i still feel that life has screwed me over. i am on year 3.
Annie you need to cry and you need to feel all that you are feeling. i used to say that i was in an endless, dark, sad, lonely pit going straight down...HELP!!!! I too welcomed death, tell you the truth i still wonder about it.
i know you don't want to hear this, but that pit did have a ground and i found stairs believe it or not. it was a long fall so i am still on my way up. somehow, life pulls you back. stay strong annie.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Annie, Joe does not want you to feel this way and think of how hurt it would make him to know his leaving caused your pain.
Give your pain to God Annie, do not try to uphold all this pain on your own.
Yes I know about watching Grey's Anatomy, I even posted earlier about it. It is a painful reminder to see but it is also another way to see that Joe is at Peace and in Comfort with God.
He also still sending you messages as wrote in your journal.
He is with you still Annie. You just do not have him physical but you do have him in spirit.
Your friend,
Judy
heartsick1
heartsick1
Annie, my heart breaks for you. You are in the thick of the worst part of this journey and the pain is so unbearable at times, but just go with it, don't fight it. Very very slowly it will start to ease up, come here and hang on to all of us, soon you will begin to see that tiny glimmer of light.
Dreamer40
Dreamer40
(((((annie)))))...but if you leave, what would we do without you? Each and every soul here is so precious to me and I need you all. Just the other day I surprised myself when driving home from town by looking at the oncoming traffic and wondering "What if?". I would never do that (the thought of hurting others does not set well with me), but I know the feeling all too well. You were left here for a reason, as was I, and no matter how much we puzzle about the "why" of it, it's still a fact. There must be something you are here to do, and I think a big part of it is to be here with us, to help us along, even with your post above. Maybe especially with that post.

I know none of us can take the place of your rock, your salvation, but we care and that's got to mean something. I love each of the souls here as much as if I knew them in person, and that means you, dear. I lost one dear, dear friend just a month before my huband died and I sure don't want to lose another.

I hear a strong woman behind your words. I honor that. (((((annie)))))
NewRoadsForMe
NewRoadsForMe
Annie, I am so with you on this. I have tried EVERYTHING. Prayer, regular church attender and volunteer. I am at my rope's end, after 2 yrs of trying to make a life for myself, and my life consists of 4 walls or being a nobody in a crowd. I'm sorry to have to be so down, but I'm tired, so tired. What am I supposed to say to myself? "4 walls is OK" "4 walls is OK" 4 walls is OK". It's a huge lie. 4 walls is NOT OK. I'm fighting diabetes (has been a yr and a half, diagnose just after Joe died). I grew up in a dysfunctional family, went to 4 years of college alone, didn't date in high school or college, no close friends then either. Twenty yrs of marriage to an alcoholic who died at 54 from smoking and drinking, then FINALLLY, I met Joe. I had a total of 16 unbelievably happy years until cancer stole him. For that I am eternally thankful. Met a wolf online recently, then canceled my subscription to the singles dating site because it is not worth it. Other people may find good people there, but I think I am doomed to never be happy again. In my 66 yrs here on earth, I had 16 happy ones. I'm done.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The biggest hugs ever to you Annie....there probably isn't one of us who have ever thought of joining our spouses because we cannot see the purpose of our own exist here on earth right now midst all the grief and emotion. But I believe in time, that will surface. Unfortunately, we have been chosen to take this path and it's a very, very painful one. But you took the step to express how you feel and reached out to us, your friends here who understand and that in itself is a big step and a powerful one. It's okay to feel...for that is how we exist. You are loved, you are worthy and you will survive! Sherry
Nicker07
Nicker07
I so feel what you are saying. Even at 17 months there are moments when I just feel life is too hard and I am tired of fighting it.

But than other days I can find a ray of sunshine - some moments, and times of feeling good. I have prayed hard to be able to sell my place so I can move where there are more opportunties: socially, physically and financially but with no prayers answered. While God knows I have despaired with him over it I just think right now you are so fresh into your loss - you have to find the little thread that makes a postiive step forward, I have found that one little step forward lead to more forward steps, after awhile the backward steps do not seem so hard or so many.

Please come here and talk them oout -----we are here....