You are doing great. I felt that way to a certain point. Sometimes I still feel guilty, people who have been near me, say I did a great job with him, far more than anyone else would do. I feel guilty being more calm that he is out of pain. And I feel guilty that I don't feel worse.

Your daughter is a part of her, therefore you still have a loving, adoring part to be with you. She totally depends on you.

You will have plenty of time in life to feel bad about it... So, don't now... please....

Hi JRP,
I am so sorry for your loss. The paths we walk are our own. No two are alike. For your sake, I hope that your path does not get harder. Like you said, you have a little girl to push you forward. It is funny you brought this topic up. In my support group we talked about the differences between those of us that had children at home and those that didn't.

In the group with children (especially young kids) at home, those people seemed to be doing better than those that did not have any children at home. There are many possible reasons for this. But the one that seemed to ring true for most of us was that those with children were receiving much more physical contact than those that didn't have children. Those with kids got good morning and good night kisses and hugs. Plus of course the necessity of having to move on with all the "have to's" that children bring. So your beautiful daughter may be a blessing in more ways than one:)

Guilt is a very common feeling after a loss. I think that on some level we all feel guilt at some point. Some feel guilty for the death (I could have prevented him from taking the bike ride) and some, like you, feel guilty for living. Either way, guilt is guilt. And there are two schools of thought on it.

Some people will tell you "not to feel" guilty, that there is nothing you could have done to prevent the accident (see example above). People will tell you not feel guilty because of course you have to have a life now, she is the one that is dead, not you. I tend to disagree with this line of thought.

I think if you are feeling guilty, you should feel it to your core. Visit it, look at and see what service it is providing you. For me, I was feeling guilty after my husband passed, and when I really looked at it, I realized I was trying to find some control in a situation where I had none. If I allowed myself to think that I could have prevented his accident, well then, didn't that just make me the all powerful one! I was grasping at straws to make me feel safe again.

Only you can say what service your guilt is to you. But I bet there is a service, and once things begin to stabilize you will start to move through your grief. There is no rational fear of you forgetting your wife. You carry her where ever you go. Every birthday your daughter has, every life event, you will be back to "visit" with her mum.

You are doing well. It really sounds like you are right where you should be. Your daughter deserves a parent that can laugh easily and cry easily.

Oh my, I have rambled on. Again, I am so sorry for you loss, laughter is a wonderfully healing thing. Keep it up.

Paula

I fully understand what you are feeling. I feel very guilty that I am here and my Wife isn't. I feel guilty when I find myself enjoying anything, laughing or just living the day to day things. As you, there isn't a day nor an hour of the day I don't think of her. Our kids are all grown but my son and his wife and baby moved in to my house just before my Wife became ill. They were going to save up to buy a house but since my wife's passing have decided to stay. I think this has helped me to focus more on them and it has helped me to cope a lot. You asked if it will go away. Its been over 9 months since Donna passed and at this point I don't think I will ever feel any different.years from now.

My guess is you are in a way still in shock. What will happen next I can't say but yes, it may get harder.

I have not felt guilty. Like you I have small children. WE do what we do for them and put some of our own grief feelings on hold till those dark moments when kids are in bed and we go in the bathroom and cry our hearts out. Keep doing what you do for your child. She has lost a mother she may not remember. She may not remember but it is your job to bring joy to her baby life and give her a connection to her mother that will last forever.

Maggie

I am glad that is easy for you. It is different for everybody, but with some common factors. I hope that it doesn't get harder. I hope it remains easy. You are blessed with family and friends and that is a bonus I also have. When it does get difficult for me, I know I can share with them or cry on their shoulder. Most of the time that is not necessary, but my anniversary June 8 was one of those times that I needed my friends. Made it through. On the other side of it. I struggle with the loss that I suffer at times, but mostly I can see how blessed I am. Your wife would want you to be happy, enjoy life and love. You would want that for her. Imagine what you would tell her if the tables were turned and she felt guilty for having fun or being happy....

Three months is not long in the timeframe of grief. There are so many emotions and we all go through them differently. You may have residual shock, some denial that she isn't still in the hospital, and the responsibility of that beautiful child. How could you possibity cope with any more. The first rule of grief is to do what you must to get through the moment and then the day, month, ect. Sounds like that's exactly what your doing.

As for will it get worse, I don't know. What I do know is you will get through that too. The future is unknown for all of us, but to me, with adult children & grandchildren, I look at it as I got through the worse, I can handle what is next.

You will never forget your wife. You will always miss her while cherishing the memories. You will accomplish much for you and your child and she will remind you of her mom in so many ways. You are feeling good now, enjoy it and remember your wife is proudly watching you. Sharon

"A counselor I have seen a few times said it might seem easier because I had already adjusted to the 'secondary losses' (child care, household responsibilities, etc.) back in December. Sadly our day to day life didn't change too much when my wife passed. I saw her every day during that time but it was in a hospital room."

I think your counselor is absolutely right ~ *wink*
If I were you I'd keep on doing what you're doing and also build up your self esteem at the same time for the challenges ahead ~

The other thing is that It's posts like yours that cause me to vacillate between saying too much or saying too little ~
It seems like you're in okay place so I'm hoping you're strong enough to hear this message as well as others in their first year ~

Shock is a defense mechanism, in general, it lifts anywhere from 4-6 months ~
A strong sense of self (esteem) helps in coping with the challenges in the next change of grief ~
In many posts of those between 4-6 months, one will notice a marked difference in their grief from previous months ~
INTENSE EMOTIONS of desperation, frustration, longing, bargaining, anger, etc ~
Many widow/ers do not know the purpose of these intense emotions or what to do about them ~
This major turning point begins the battle of the ego or taming of the shrew ~
The excruciating mental discomfort tries to force a person to change/surrender/accept their grief to begin healing -
The force causes suffering; its meant to push the griever in the direction of healing ~
The main reason most people continue to suffer is not knowing its purpose & not knowing what it is they are suppose to do with it -
It then becomes a long painful missed opportunity toward starting legitimate grief work ~
Instead some try to run, take illegitimate shortcuts, distract themself w/outside activities, stuff it down &/or deny it as the suffering continues to be persist ~

The strongest need is "MEANING" -
Grief heightens the need to understand, the final need to understand death, to define one's life purpose as well as our deceased's purpose ~
Answering one's own question(s) is crucial; it eases suffering ~
Once the questions are answered as one's own truth it is processed (resonates) throughout the grief journey to bring forth understanding, acceptance, peace, healing ~
It is then, the mind, body & soul are brought together as a "whole person" who is ready to live w/their answers the rest of their life; it ends suffering & the need to search for the answers to all one's "WHY" questions: "why did s/he die" or "why did this happen to me" or "why when the kids are so young", etc ~
When they are not answered or properly resonated the force continues to cause immense suffering as it piles on more issues~
It is unavoidable during grief - especially when the ego is determined to get what it wants ~
Its been aptly referred to as: "I want what I want when I want it & how I want it" ~
One route the ego attempts to get its needs fulfilled is through prayer & bargaining ~
It tries to give instructions to God or the Universe or One's Higher Power, etc, for what it wants in exchange for trying harder to be a good person or doing God's (etc) work, etc ~
It keeps the griever from facing the reality of death ~
It happens to most of us or maybe all of us - who knows for sure ~
I tend to believe volunteer work (helping others) is helpful in taming the ego b/c it takes a person outside of themself for a period of time to look at what needs to be worked on ~
However, if that volunteer time of mindless work is not used to uncover issues it does not give a person a clear idea of their problem(s) or a starting point to resolve them ~
Please be aware that not everyl widow/ers or any griever will have not have a peaceful outcome; some simply move on ~
We are given choices & many opportunities to free ourself; try to capitalize on them the pain is at a low level ~

Sorry, if my words seem harsh they're meant to be helpful ~
My objective is to write a clear reply everyone will understand ~

Grief is a process ~
Participation in grief gives it meaning to faciliate healing ~
Take care & take it easy ~
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*I am currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out too! But the possibilities are endless* ~ me ~