I'm sorry for your loss. I'm into my journey almost five months. It's hard to believe I haven't seen him for five months. I have had some okay days. I don't know if I would call them good or not. Then yesterday a song came on the radio while I was driving and I lost it. I cried for 20 miles. However, after I cried I actually felt a little bit better. The rest of my day was again "okay".

I think what you're feeling is normal while on this journey. I sometimes feel guilty for thinking it's going to be okay or I can do this. I just can't seem to get off the rollercoaster.

I was married for 25 years and my "first" anniversary without him is coming next week. I think maybe that is why the rollercoaster has so many ups and downs for me this week.

This journey is so personal, I don't think anyone can completely understand anyone else's journey. So take heart that we all feel abnormal at times and wonder if others feel the same way.

Nessie from KY

I'm sorry for your loss. In my opinion, feelings are not right or wrong - they just are. Allow yourself to feel the way you are feeling without regret. I found that I was numb for a good long time - it's the bodies defense which comes in handy when we need it. It sounds like you are taking positive steps to cope. Smooth sailing on this journey - calm seas - rough seas - we all have our ''days''. Come here often for support. Vicki

Thank you all for your supportive replies. I know the feeling about songs. There were several that when they came on, my husband would say "that's my song to you". " I Swear" and "You are the Love of My Life" were two of our favorites. The most recent was "I Won't Let Go" which was my song to him in the end.When I hear them I totally lose it. I miss him so much but having this site and friends who are going through the same thing is so comforting. Sometimes I feel like there are very few who really know what I'm going through and then I sign on and realize I'm not alone in this journey. I want to go back 1 year and have my normal life back but I know that's not possible. The future seems so scary and lonely.

First my condolences on the passing of your husband. I lost my husbant almost 3 months ago after a two year battle with cancer. From your post I am guessing that your husband had been ill as well. I know for me, I honestly believe that subconsciously I started grieving from the moment we got the terminal diagnosis. While I have a very strong faith and kept hoping for a miracle, the fact is my husband never went into remission. Having started the grief process a long time prior to his passing, I think has made this whole journey post death completely different for me than for someone who lost their spouse unexpectedly.
Rambling about me aside, I have come to believe that there is no right or wrong way to feel as you move through the process of grieving your spouse. Everyone is going to be different as we all are going to move at our own pace, in our own specific circumstances. Do not condemn yourself for feeling good. You deserve those days.
Prayers go out to you as you continue down this path,
Anita

I'd say that for the most part the last 6 weeks have been tolerable. Then again I'm very aware that I'm on hold & moving thru the days on autopilot doing what needs to be done - & truthfully, tho I feel a very heavy heart, am still feeling quite numb. I believe that my "bodymind" is in protective mode & gearing me up for when this new reality truly hits me up the side of the head because in our case DH's death was so sudden & unexpected that it still isn't quite real. I stay pretty close to home & he's just here in our home in everything around me. I'm so used to functioning as an independent as he was a RRer that I'm used to him being gone & still expect him to show up from work or come up from his basement computer corner...I have only just begun this journey and the worst is yet to come. People tell me I'm doing pretty well & I'm strong, but the ones that haven't been thru it don't fathom that my new reality hasn't totally hit me yet. I cried my heart out the night he died & I think that's what people expect to see during these first months, but I think I very quickly put walls around my heart to hold all the broken pieces together til I've had time to process & can get thru the waves of pain that are going to be fairly devastating, yet still function in my life such as it is.

I know what you mean about being numb. I think I'm in the same mode. I push myself to get out of the house but when I drive down our street and see his car in the driveway it hurts so much knowing he's not going to be in the house waiting for me. Passing away so unexpectedly has to be devastating. My husband was ill for about 3 months but I always thought he was going to get better. It seemed like he overcame each hurdle and it was going to be a long recovery period but he'd make it. Well, that didn't happen. My prayers go out to you in your journey.
I was told that the body produces a hormone to help protect you from trauma and it usually stays in your body for about 3 months. That's why getting through the first few weeks is such a blur. I know my husband had over 300 at his visitation and funeral but I don't remember half of them.