Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Greetings,
First time I am putting this out there
To share my story - its been almost three and a half years since my wife passed, she battled with cancer for three years prior to passing. Our son was 9 when she passed. My late wife was South African and in the last year of her life wanted to go home to her country which of course I couldnt deny (we were living in Scotland at the time). Eighteen months after her passing I decided it was best to move back to Scotland.
We live in a small rural village (Scotland) and it can be very cliquey and not much happening on the social front. On the other hand it is very safe for my son and he has a lot of freedom to be outdoors.
I have spoken to some folk that say it is hard to break in to the local clique. I am not one for drinking in pubs anyways so I dont go out much at all. I feel very isolated and that its not easy to make friends. Perhaps this is part of my own doing?
My late wife and I lived in several countries before we came back to UK in 2009 and I feel it somewhat of a culture shock. Of course it was different living in the small village when she was alive as we had each other. I find it very hard to try to talk to folk if I do go out and there seems to be this huge void. Having lived in Africa for many years people are a lot more vibrant and open to starting conversations. One would be invited to home parties and barbecues etc etc. We have had two invites (the same people) since we have been back (in Scotland) for 18 months.
Also, I have been applying for jobs and in my mid 50s it would seem that I should just be working in a super market or so. If I take on such work (no disrespect) I would struggle to meet my overheads. So if I want to look for a role where my skills are utilised I would have to move probably down to England or overseas again. When I have thoughts about this I think about my son and having to unsettle him from high school.
So, in all of the above sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Sometimes I feel like I just want to crawl back in to bed and not get up. I feel like the system does not cater for a single/ widowed dad of my age and there is very little support.
Even although it is three and a half years since my wife passed there are still triggers that make me think of her and how much I miss her. I still cry when I think of the slow painful way she went.
I also think that if I go to the doctors they will only prescribe a pharmaceutical band-aid and I dont want to go down that road.
Sometimes I tell myself to get a grip and take one day at a time. Then on other days I feel frustrated about my situation and think about my options and then it tends to go around in a circle again.
Sometimes it all just feels too overwhelming to deal with and other days are okay.
I guess just typing this up and putting it out there is somewhat therapeutic.
Thanks for reading.
First time I am putting this out there
To share my story - its been almost three and a half years since my wife passed, she battled with cancer for three years prior to passing. Our son was 9 when she passed. My late wife was South African and in the last year of her life wanted to go home to her country which of course I couldnt deny (we were living in Scotland at the time). Eighteen months after her passing I decided it was best to move back to Scotland.
We live in a small rural village (Scotland) and it can be very cliquey and not much happening on the social front. On the other hand it is very safe for my son and he has a lot of freedom to be outdoors.
I have spoken to some folk that say it is hard to break in to the local clique. I am not one for drinking in pubs anyways so I dont go out much at all. I feel very isolated and that its not easy to make friends. Perhaps this is part of my own doing?
My late wife and I lived in several countries before we came back to UK in 2009 and I feel it somewhat of a culture shock. Of course it was different living in the small village when she was alive as we had each other. I find it very hard to try to talk to folk if I do go out and there seems to be this huge void. Having lived in Africa for many years people are a lot more vibrant and open to starting conversations. One would be invited to home parties and barbecues etc etc. We have had two invites (the same people) since we have been back (in Scotland) for 18 months.
Also, I have been applying for jobs and in my mid 50s it would seem that I should just be working in a super market or so. If I take on such work (no disrespect) I would struggle to meet my overheads. So if I want to look for a role where my skills are utilised I would have to move probably down to England or overseas again. When I have thoughts about this I think about my son and having to unsettle him from high school.
So, in all of the above sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Sometimes I feel like I just want to crawl back in to bed and not get up. I feel like the system does not cater for a single/ widowed dad of my age and there is very little support.
Even although it is three and a half years since my wife passed there are still triggers that make me think of her and how much I miss her. I still cry when I think of the slow painful way she went.
I also think that if I go to the doctors they will only prescribe a pharmaceutical band-aid and I dont want to go down that road.
Sometimes I tell myself to get a grip and take one day at a time. Then on other days I feel frustrated about my situation and think about my options and then it tends to go around in a circle again.
Sometimes it all just feels too overwhelming to deal with and other days are okay.
I guess just typing this up and putting it out there is somewhat therapeutic.
Thanks for reading.
I think it helps to know that you are not alone in your struggles- and you are not. Of course there are details that make your conflicts unique to you, but so many of the folks here are in common circumstances- raising children alone, in unfamiliar situations, trying to survive the endless chain of days until hopefully they find some meaning and joy again.
I wish there were some magic potent that we could all take that would make it more bearable. Unfortunately, there isn't.
Know that we care. Know that if we have knowledge through our collective experiences that might help you- we will share. Know that when the most we can do to help is read your words and take them in- we will.
You are not alone.
Peace be with you,
Robyne
Personally, I'm going through a similar situation as yourself - looking for work & grieving the loss of my life partner. Throw in being in my 50's, along with the perception of no family or "community" support - whether imagined, self-created, or otherwise "real" - and you have a nightmarish mix for despair. I too feel/ have felt/ i'm going insane.
and now forgive me, if I trespass into an area that holds different or absolutely no meaning for you, but, hey, what is to be lost anymore, really?!
Having woken up one too many mornings to debilitating panic attacks, it was suggested (by a number of members here, and from my own life's experience and lifelong search for meaning) that turning to "a higher power" might provide some relief. What did I have to lose? & I knew I had not been praying as purposefully, with as much focus, as I could (hell, I've been barely hanging onto "reality let alone grasping the intangible besides!) So for the past few days - only recently - I've been placing a heartfelt prayer in my consciousness before I greet an otherwise unchanging day (partnerless, jobless, lonely, scared), and you know what, Campbell, it's really helping - I'm so thankful!!!
Yes, I still have all the other 'joys' that come with bereavement and joblessness; I still have the same choices or lack thereof - but somehow/ something/ has lessened the severity of those damned morning panic attacks, and i'm sooooo thankful for that. and maybe that's a start.
good luck to you, dear man, please hang in there with us - we all need each other
snowalone (nanne)
I am going to start seeing a therapist , no medication, just someone to talk to cause I can't deal with all this :(
I am a widow of just over 3 years. I stayed living on the farm in Indiana for the first two years. It was very rural and I had no family there and really no friends either. At first I was ok with it as I was grieving so much and did not want to interact with anyone. Last year I sold almost everything and moved back to Texas to care take my elderly parents. Here I have family and old friends. I thought there would be less loneliness and less grief. Yeah, well, WRONG. In some ways its actually lonelier. I watch my parents who have been together 68 years and I am happy for them but my heart aches that I don't have my Donald. Its just one of those little things that brings up the upsurges of grief. I suppose it really doesn't matter where we live, our grief will often overtake us for one reason or another.
This site and the people here have really been a godsend to me. I hope you find a little peace here too. ~~~Cheryl
Being a Christian I turn to my faith. And knowing the God is always going to be bigger than anything I face allows me to turn it over to Him and takes away a lot of my anxiety and stress.
I am grateful for having found this site it has helped me get this far (almost ten months since my wife went home).
Take care.
Peace, Tim
Some days I face it head on and other days I stuff it way down and don't want to face any of it. When I do this my dreams take over and I find myself having to deal with the reality of the loss in a dream state.
Grieving is so complicated and takes so much energy to deal with it all. There are some days that just getting up is all that I can manage to do! And, I have a full-time job to go to.......some days I feel like I'm in zombieland and if someone should ask me too complicated of a question I will literally fall to the floor and start to melt!!!!
Knowing that I'm not alone in my grief state has seen me through a lot of the twists and turns!
Hang on dear man,
Roz