Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Khis 10/11/2016

It has been 7 months now since my hubby passed after years of a dibilitating Illness. I have gone from having 10 family members living here over the years to just me. Our 2 sons DIL and grand baby due in 5 weeks live 3 hours down island from me. Although after living here for 36 years, I have many friends, support (to an extend).... it just hit me the last few trips down to see them, "why am I staying in the Valley?" When my Hubby first passed I had so many poeple ask me are you moving to be with your sons?? My first and only thoughts at that time was... Hell NO!! Hubby and I downsized from our big family home just 2 months before he went into care and 11 months before he passed. He left knowing I had a lovely little place that we picked out and that he knew I could live for many many years on my own if need be.

When I began to have thoughts of moving, I thought how could I with his ashes going where he requested, same spot as Mom's ??? How could I leave them..... then shortly after.... it was like someone turned on the switch....I need to be with those that are living and those who are not, yet are in my heart....will go with me. Now that part of it makes sense, but it means downsizing once again, parting with several possession, as I will just not have the same space and yard I have here, plus I have to dip into my saving to remain mortgage free becuase of the difference in real estate values. In my heart I feel I need to be closer, I know moving to be closer to your kids ( mine 28/33) is not the best idea, but I just feel if I make a mistake, oh well, at least it is my own mistake and I could always sell up and move on...... Both of my sons and especially my DIL are very happy with the thought of me moving closer. I am both a very private yet social person, I have no worries about meeting new friends, I do have other family there, not super close to, but that could change. So has anyone else left a place they love and felt that is where they belong, yet felt they needed to move on ?????

Sorry for the long winded..... Also Hubby and I never even talked about this possiblity, but I think he would want me to be closer to our sons...

Kathy

msgood 10/12/2016

Sorry for your loss, I always hear don't make any major plans moves.........ect. for at least a year. You have time to really think about it and sometimes our thinking is some what clouded by the grief. Plus you said you are mortgage free that is a big plus. I guess in the long run you have to do what is best for you. Hugs Jeanne

cgriff4ever 10/12/2016

Im so sorry your husband passed away. You are definetely right about one thing. We need to enjoy life with the living, our loved ones who have passed are with us always. Much love, and praying for peace and strength for you. Carla

Khis 10/12/2016

Thank you Carla and Jeanne;
Yes the advise of one year before major change is true...... I think in my case where his death was not sudden, it did happen a little sooner, but was expected. I'm feeling the overwhelming need to be closer to our sons, this was not the case 7 months ago, so perhaps it is my time to accept and make changes. But still I will take more time, I am the only one to consider, as I am under no pressure from my sons, they know what I have here and it is not easy to give it up, but also say home is where we make it. :)

cliffskat 10/12/2016

I think it would be a huge mistake to move. It is not the right time, and your sons are not going to fill the hole in your life left by your husband. I have seen many here over the years who have done exactly what you're proposing and regretted it afterwards. Give yourself time. Now is a bad time to sell a house anyway, and you'd be better off waiting until spring on that front. I think you are going to need the stability of staying put, with the network of friends you already have. There were reasons you and your hubby picked the house you are in now.

I was ready to move at 7 months as well. I took an exploratory trip to the city where I was thinking of moving, along with my sister (we were going to move together). I discovered that trip that I was SOOOO not ready. I urge you to wait.

I am sorry you even have to be in a position to think about it. What you are experiencing and feeling is very typical, you are not alone. I just hope you will slow down on that idea. Big life decisions are extremely risky the first year. For some, even two years! If you are financially able to stay put for a time, I would do so. Give yourself a chance to grieve and to find out who you are on your own first. It takes awhile to do that.

Just my thoughts.... Love and Hugs, Martha

jeanatds 10/12/2016

Hi Kathy, I'm sorry for your loss. I wouldn't make a move just yet, especially if it's comfortable for you to stay with one of your sons when you do visit. If you think about expectations if you make the move, guessing it is spending more time with your family but funny thing is is it could be less time, and even less 'quality' time. A weekend 24/7 is different than a quick stop one day a week and maybe dinner one day a week, and evening babysitting, etc. There might also be disappointments of not being included in some things where distance is the simple reason now. For me personally, I would consider 3 hours a comfortable distance and stay put. Wishing you the best.
Jean

handg 10/12/2016

I am of the mind that being nearer your sons , DIL and grand babies could be a good thing but others have brought on good points. If I could afford the expense and time, what I would do is try to find short term rental (usually furnished) and then go for an extended visit with my own place before making the big decision. This would give you the chance to see if you would be o.k. living there first.

hfpvc 10/12/2016

Kathy I think that you should trust your heart, maybe do a little exploratory trips that can help ease your mind, but you've got to know that when your mind and your heart are in sink, you will feel it. I don't know for sure in this matter because I haven't actually lived through it but right now for me, I am now living in a house that was "impermanent" with my spouse and he passed away suddenly...and I love the town and the folks here but we were already shopping for a new house an hour and a half away...and the whole deal...don't make a decision until you wait a year? And we are wanting to move close to the family, the only reason we were here was for the business sake AND we were ok with going slow because we love the people in the town....Geez, this is difficult.

hfpvc 10/12/2016

Oh yea and Kathy, I think being closer to your sons would matter to your honey.

bettyrg 10/12/2016

Change can be hard, and none more difficult than losing a spouse. My husband died 1 year and 3 days ago, almost 3 years after being diagnosed with cancer. He died sooner that we expected, but it wasn't a total surprise so I had time to think about "what if." That said, three months after he died, against the advice of some friends and neighbors, I moved to a large city to be near my children and grandchildren. I have not regretted my decision, it was a good change. One of the things I noticed immediately after I moved is that no one knew my husband, therefore no one looked at me with sad eyes and asked how I was doing. Previously I lived a four hour drive from family and to be in the same town has been a blessing to all of us. The grandkids can always make me smile and now I see them so much more. I will say that meeting and making friends as a 68 year old widow in a new town isn't always easy, but after nine months I finally have a bit of a social life that does not include my family. My advice: do what feels right to YOU.

Khis 10/13/2016

Thank you all so much for bringing different opinions, that is what I wanted.

I had a coffee /walk yesterday with some of the gals from the Hospice walking program. The "one year time" came up and it sure has mixed feelings. I 'm realizing more and more it sure is an individual thing, one gal has sold her house and almost everything in it, just 6 months after her husband passed. She is leaving our area with only what fits into her car and moving to be with family. The change in her is so evident, like the world has lifted off her shoulders., Not sure I could do that, I need our familiar furnishings around me.
Right now our real estate market is hot, place going for more then asking. I could gain a pretty good profit, which will make the move much more comfortable.

Yes the thought of going about everyday stuff and not being asked by everyone "how are you doing?" is refreshing, that question is so warn out and meaningless most of the time it is used!

The last month or so I have felt a real transition within me....so maybe this is my own timeline of the "one year mark".

Oh and I am very familiar with the city, my eldest has been there for 10 years and I have done business there for over 25 years.

I would join the new comers and the Hospice there; as I am entitled to the programs until about 18 months after the death of a spouse.

Still lots to mull over, but yes my heart and brain seems to be syncing.

Cheers Kathy

Khis 04/15/2017

UPDATE:
So here I am about to hit the 4 month mark tomorrow, of selling up and moving closer to my sons.
( as in a few blocks to each), leaving the town of 36 years behind.
All I can say is "BEST DECISION EVER"
I have no regrets, I am so very content, building my own new life, making friends, beginning to be social again and having a nice balance of family time.
Moving to a new city is not easy, but once I finished all the renovations, I joined some Meet-up Coffee groups, this has lead to making some really fun friends to do social things with, many walks, hikes, dinner/lunch outings, bowling, games night and yes dancing! All very good for the soul.

The one year mark of hubby passing came and went with some quiet sad reflecting days, but It also came with "look at how far I have come". My bouts of loneliness are getting fewer and fewer as I live each day with gratitude.
I always go back to a phrase from the grief poem.. "grief is not something you work through, it is something you learn to absorb and accept".
Yes my heart will be forever broken from our loss, but I have a life to live and I now feel strong enough to not waste it feeling sorry for myself.
I can see how pleased and impressed my sons are with how I am managing to continue on being very independent.
I know there will always be some rough times, I am able to allow myself those moments, then tell myself, he is not coming back, I am here, he wanted me to be happy and enjoy life after so many years of caring for him.

I have booked what was our biggest bucket list item......exploring the East Coast of Canada in September. I tried to do it last summer as an honor to him, but I clearly was not ready for it. But I now have the strength and the will to go forward with it.

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