No apologies necessary! You are about where we all are at 5 months. That theme "time heals" usually comes from widows who are like 20 years out from the death of their husbands, and I am sure it is true for them. However, in the beginning it is different. Yes, you will get to a point where things won't hurt so much, but the pain will still be there in the background. I am at 16 months and I have good days and bad days. As you know, it takes time. I still feel very alone and often sit down and write a "letter" to my husband, because I know he will understand how I feel. The phrase I keep in mind is the "new normal". We are not ever going to have our lives back the way it was so we have to figure out where to go from here. Please know that you are not alone with your feelings; we all understand. laurabp

It is 4 weeeks today. There is not a day I am not a quivering mess of tears. I play computer solitaire every day until I get out. Sometimes it takes over 2 hours but I am concentrating on the game and I find I can make it thru the games without crying. I spoke to a counsellor who said some people sing because you have to concentrate on the song and your mind if off your loss. Just a thought. Hugs, Wendy

I agree with laurabp about where we all were at 5 months. I will soon be at 8 months, and I am just beginning to have a "new normal" routine. I realise that next year at this time, I will look back and see that I was doing preety good, all things considered. Take care. Mary Anne

I am reaching the year mark, and I do have my husband in my heart. He is with me always, and I know he is at my side everywhere I go. No apologies for the way you feel. You grieve as hard as you loved. You will eventually feel a sense of recovery. You won't get "over it" as some say. Instead, you will find a way to carry it and be able to enjoy your day's activities despite knowing that he is gone.

If I didn't feel the way I do right now, I would say there is something wrong with me. I have a string of good days, and then a few where the yearning for him is so bad I want to scream. Shed tears? You betcha. He is worth every drop of water this body has shed.

I really like what laurabp said that the old "time heals" adage comes from people who are like 20 years out. That is a good point. We hear that phrase and think 6 weeks, 6 months, 1 year, but in reality probably most of the people who do say that are way beyond those time frames.

We expect too much too soon. I am only at 2 months, so I can't pretend to know. However, I cannot imagine being past this pain in a year's time. I actually feel I am doing reasonably well, but I cry every day, still fall apart at the silliest things, and still wear this false mask to the outside world. I do have some acceptance that I must go on living, but I think it will be a very long time before I feel any healing.

I'm guilty of the same thing - I want him back so desperately, and then I realize how horrible it would be for him, how bad it was for him those last few months, how dying was eventually what HE wanted once he couldn't fool himself any longer, even though it was never what I wanted. But what he had was no life.

I don't expect anything of myself here at 2 months - nor will I yet at 6 months, having learned from this site not to push myself unduly.

I cry every single day.

Everybody so l have learnt from all this moves along the grieving process differently,l suppose there is no time limit because we are all different.l have known widows who took a long time to get over their loss,and others who have moved on in a short time,we are all different.
At five months l was still devestated.My husband died 16 months ago,and l still cry,still miss him,but looking back,l am feeling better than l did in the early stages.People say its time,l call it me adjusting to him not being here anymore,that is in the physical sense,but l know he is around me all the time.Clinging on to this is the only thing that has helped me cope.l expect to always feel this even if l live to be an old women.l don,t think l will ever get over losing him,l was with him for most of my adult life,but life is getting more bearable.
l don,t really worry about the future,the only advice l could give would be to just accept whatever feelings you are feeling each day,because each day is different,some good some really bad,until eventually it seems to settle down into a kind of acceptance.
What you are going through is normal,you shouldn,t try to push yourself by feeling guilty because you haven,t moved on,it will happen,one day,you will start to feel that you have coped better,maybe for just a day,then a couple of days,this is how it goes
take care
Alice

Time truly does not heal. It just gives us time to think, cry, and work emotionally trying to get through the loss. If we stuff our grief down deep inside us the time won't change anything. If you let it out in tears, talk about our struggles with people who understand, and put our wants, needs, and desires on the top of our priorities for a while we can use that 'time' to pick up the gold nuggets that we are left with. First we have to start looking for the nuggets.
Then we have to pick them up.
Then we have to piece them together with what we have experienced.
And then we begin to see that we want life again.
Only after that can we even begin to know that we really are still together because we truly are and always will be in each other's heart. Sharon

I can't project in to the future to that time when I feel better. I can't even project into tomorrow. At 13 weeks I hope for a few moments here and there and that the mud doesn't turn into quicksand. No apologies required, I appreciate your post, no tolerance but understanding. Hug, Donna

You're not a hypocrite. It's hard. I haven't cried since the day before the funeral, but that's only because I wasn't a cryer to begin with and I spend a great deal of time listening or reading end-time prophecy. A trick I use, when I'm feeling sad and lonely: I picture him in heaven having a wonderful time. I see the sunny sky and a bunch of his relatives and mine all sitting around a picnic table laughing and talking. Time moves differently in heaven so he's not aware of how long it's been since he's seen me. I picture flowers and Jesus and the whole thing just lightens my mood.

It doesn't always work, but it keeps me sane. I watch religious programs too and I try to achieve something each day. Just small things mostly, but it's a step. Of course I'm just starting my journey, and I need lots of help from this group.

Thank you so much, all of you! In my head I know all of what you say is true...my heart is another story. But as you all wisely shared with me, I'll just let that cake bake until it's done. Since all ovens are different, it may take my cake a little longer to bake....and since it's my cake it's full of my ingredients, my recipe. It may not be bakery-perfect, but it will be my cake and I'll be proud of it... and Russ will be looking down on me and be proud of it too! Again, thank you so much for reinforcing what I already knew but had lost track of. It is so very nice to have "club members" who are willing to set you straight and help you see through the fog that grief and loss sometimes allows to fall. I hope I can be as helpful to you when you need it.

Dear Mrs. RWB,
It has been my experience that time heals nothing, but grieving over time heals if we allow it to. When we say over time, we are not talking about 3 months...when we still are numb and on auto pilot, or at 6 months when the reality and raw open wound is ripped wide open, or at 9 months when we realize that it still hurts, or a year when we realize that now that we have lived through all of the firsts we will do it over and over again as seconds, then thirds. People who do not grieve and avoid grieving and avoid anything that makes them feel sad will find that time does nothing. I hear of people that are still in the first stages of grieving after 6 or more years because they did not allow themselves to grieve early on then felt guilty grieving later on so did not allow themselves to grieve then.

Grieving means facing the memories and feeling the pain and working through the emotions (the when people are ready to DO the actual WORK of grieving varies as much as people themselves do).

I warned everyone that I was going to grieve heavily early on. I am not someone who can avoid feelings. I feel very very deeply.

I wrapped myself in all of the memories and videos and pictures and went to the cemetary and planted a tree and talked to my husband and read every book known to mankind about grieving....four at a time a sentence at a time in the middle of the night when I could not sleep...whatever helped me be true to the feelings that I was actually feeling at the time.

I have to say that I am so glad that I did this because I am not in the same place over a year out that I was earlier on. I can smile and laugh and enjoy my life once more.

I still have my moments and even bad days, but not most days any more.

God bless you as you go through these days.

hugs to everyone...
-Diana

As the others have said, it's not the amount of time, it's how the time is spent. Grief doesn't magically disappear because a certain amount of time has passed - wouldn't it be wonderful if that were the case! Time in and of itself does nothing. Allowing yourself the right to feel, to cry, to laugh at memories, to ponder life's meaning and questions, to allow yourself to feel angry at the injustice of it, to talk about your loss and your life with your loved one - these are all pieces of the healing and not by any means a complete list.

Hang in there, don't be discouraged. Love and Hugs, Martha

When I read posts written by the new people who have joined our unfortunate club, I know that time has been a healer. I read the freshness in their dispair and the raw emotion of their grief and know I have been there. Time has been a healer. At six months most of the dust has settled. My financial future is known to me and I know what direction I can take. I have cleaned out most of the belongings in the closets and have made a big dent in the reorganization of MY life. It is now my life, not our lives. Thinking this can bring me to my emotional knees if I would allow it.
Five months is not such a long time yet it goes by quickly even though each day feels like forever. Time plays tricks on us during this journey where we are looking for time to be our healer not deciever.
Just when we think we are doing well something comes along to knock us back in time. We must brush ourselves off and move forward...again.
Bless you and I hope time is good to you.