not sure if any of us are'doing it', its stil being done to us

I mean't "survive"!

I’m not sure I am surviving it, except that I’m still breathing. I think.

This day 4 weeks ago was the last day I spent with my husband. By morning he was dead. I feel like I’m the walking, breathing dead. I have moments of pain that hit me so hard they take my breath away. I cry and moan in this house, in this bed without him. But life forces me to wake in the morning and exist. God help us all.

Rick, read all the emotions people already posted above here, that's me too... the only useful thing I can add is: the motto of "one day at a time" is not even small enough, because for too many days, I can only do 1 moment at a time. It is the hardest thing I have ever faced: to command myself Not To Look Ahead AT ALL. Stay in the moment, for anything beyond that can bring the desire for death. And, if I am 100% honest, sometimes even staying in one moment at a time does not ward off the desire to die.
BUT I am still alive. Or at least my body is. I am not always breathing without conscious work at doing so. but splitting hairs about "in what way am I still alive?", is a pointless endeavor. Because my views about that will differ from yours, and yours will differ from mine. and others differ from each other. The reason we are in this forum, is that we are in the same boat together, and we can not afford to quibble about issues which separate us in any way. We are both in a war, which the only chance we have is by "having each others' backs". Hold our sameness in the highest regard. That is the only thing that matters here.
Period.
Can I get a "So be it."? / "Let it be done."? / "Far be it from me to differ with you."?
Thank you for the gracious way you have listened to me, already, privately. You already know how to love & have held my head above water. Friend, that is so selfless. I have been in this war so much longer than you, and 'should' be able to keep you from drowning...yet you still gave so much, so quickly. You have already taken bullets for me by doing that.
It will not be forgotten. Please forgive me if/when I ever fail you in the future by being a complete Ass.
With Love,
B.

24 days out. I can't express how numb I am. The grief waves have been crashing hard and today (at least this particular moment), I'm numb. I certainly wouldn't call it surviving, there has to be a less poignant way to describe this. I'm eeking out an existence, I guess.

I'm not going to blow any smoke. This sucks. And I've heard over and over to just give it time. What other choice do I have? My heart keeps beating and I keep drawing breath. But I'm still numb.

Thanks for your kind remarks AfterMom.