Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Thought I was doing pretty well!

loveddogs
loveddogs
I know I can't rush through grief and have decided to hit it straight on. Let my emotions out, sleep when I can, cry when I need to and try to take baby steps. My beloved passed just a little over five months ago. I admit this is agony. Yesterday it was suggested to me that I may be stuck. I should see a therapist and join a support group. I am not saying in time I wouldn't benefit from both of these, but I really thought all things considered I was doing farely well. The things I have accomplished have amazed me. Closed on three houses (real estate agent) attended all of my grand daughters functions, made 6 or more trips to see youngest grand 93 miles away (they are moving to Colorado today) Took a trip with my best friend. Have returned to work, duty time anyway. Have gone out to eat many times. Watch my grandaughter at least one day a week and have two new puppies added to the two dogs I already have. Yes the house is a mess, the yard is a wreck and I'm tired all the time. Have read several books on grief and am re reading some. At this point I don't want to be around sad people, I don't want to see a therapist just yet. I know my life has changed and I will never be the same as I was before losing him, how could I? But I don't think I am stuck!! It's not like I am sprawled out on the bed sobbing for days at a time, though sometimes I'd like to. I can go to the store again during the day, I can do small gatherings, I can find pleasure in little things. I can visit friends and family. Yes, the tears are always right under the surface, but they may always be. Maybe I am wrong, but I think I deserve to mourn and I know my husband deserves that much and more. I miss him more than words can describe. Hugs and Love to all, Michele
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
Sounds like you are doing great to me. People mourn different ways and different times. Let no one tell you any different. Its not on their timeline, but on yours! hugs Sandee
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn
Our 'friends ' are often so concerned about us they say 'dumb' things. And then there are those who selfishly just are clueless about losing someone such a big part of our life. I don't know your friend, but don't let anyone upset you more because of their comments. Hugs. Sharon
katrina777
katrina777
Hi Michelle, sounds to me like you are doing just fine, today is exactly 5 months for me. I finally ignored everyone, started listening to me. I think that we will always mourn, and don't believe there is anything wrong with that. We can't be married to our soul mates, have them taken away and then just forget they ever existed. That would be impossible. Do it your way, cry when you need to, yell if you must, sleep when you can, and be happy where you find it. (The house and yard can wait........) Hugs Katrina
bookdragon
bookdragon
I think you are doing really well. The only person who knows what we are going through is us, so listen to your inner voice. It has served you well. Hugs Patti
AfterMom
AfterMom
Geeze! you are definitely NOT 'stuck'. Unfortunately, one of the hardest things our Loss brings is that we must learn how to let comments of those who are clueless roll off us. hopefully without doing much damage to us continuing our journey.
You are taking amazing steps!
HUGS to you.
scottito
scottito
Hi Michelle, Well, if you're stuck than I'm really in big trouble! Secretly (not an!y more a secret, huh?) I look up to you and all the progress I've seen in you in the short time I've been here. You are just slightly ahead of me time wise in this journey and I pay close attention to your posts. I've seen such an amazing strength in you and I am able to draw on that. So maybe its just me, and we're both really screwed up - oh well, I'm still your fan. I say, Keep on keepin on! God bless you ~ Scott
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
So, like if you see a therapist, it'll be all better? Hmm. I hate the word stuck, just like I hate the phrase moving on. Michele, you're doing what you need to, and you're persevering. Don't place yourself on anyone else's timeline. It's a very vulnerable time right now, and all you need to do is listen to your own gut and heart - no one else's. Hugs, Marsha
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
At 5 months, you're hardly 'stuck'! Good heavens! What idiot said that?? Would a support group and a therapist help? Yeah, probably, but you're not stuck! You're GRIEVING. It's not something you're done with overnight, especially not after decades together.

My experience was that there was ALWAYS SOMEBODY who thought I wasn't moving fast enough AND SOMEBODY who thought I was moving TOO fast. You have to ignore those folks - they are both wrong. You are doing what you need to do and in the time you need to do it in.

Don't let the turkeys derail you - they don't understand it. You are making progress, and it's your progress, and you don't have to answer to them. It's your own loss, not theirs.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
obsidianom
obsidianom
Five months just isn't a long time . You have every right to your own time line . You sund like you are doing better then I will at 5 months. The whole first year seems to me to be hell. I am only 6 and a half weeks but I cant imagine being much better at only 5 months.
I do see a therapist but my reasons go beyond just the grief and loss. I lost my whole way of life and my career is near its end so I am lost .
You do what you need to do and don't listen to anyone else.
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever
Dearest Michelle, You are definitely doing better than I am, another words you are not alone. Sean will be passed away 8 months tomorrow. Im emotionally tired all the time, crying and talking to sean etc all the time, takes alot of energy to grieve. You are PERFECT just the way you are, and how you are doing.

I have experienced the same response from well wishing friends and a in law. I think it's just hard for some people, when they have not experienced exactly what you are experiencing, and everyone's experience is different, to understand how hard it is to not have your true love with you anymore. The grief is so intense, is like reliving their death over and over every single hour of every single day. I was told by a friend, to never move on, but move forward, you are doing great!! I will never be normal again, or what use to be norrmal, ok don't laugh, last time I checked I was no alien, although when I embarrass my oldest daughter she acts like I'm not her mom, lol. that I will develop a new normal without my sean. You are doing great, don't change how or why you are doing what you do, keep pushing forward, and cry as often as you need to be. We all are here for you. big hugs carla
at17
at17
You are not stuck! At five months, you are probably still in shock. Of course, we are all different, but I didn't turn the corner in my grief until almost nine months after my husband died. Whoever suggested you are stuck is either thoughtless or clueless.
KimKos
KimKos
Michele..I think you know YOU and are exactly where YOU need to be on YOUR journey...For some reason our loved ones are OK when we smile or laugh over a great memory...yet when we feel sad and cry we need therapy. Personally I feel there is only ONE way for others to understand our journey and that is to get on it and I do not wish that on anyone. "I miss him more than words can describe"...and here at our online support group we all understand that...sending a hug and a high five!!
saleeby
saleeby
Michele,
You are not stuck. Please don't listen to stupid people. I had someone tell me at just 3 weeks after I lost my husband of 32 years that I need to move on. It has been a month for me as of yesterday. I go to work everyday and perform quite well. I have many teary moments especially on the weekends. I talk to a dear friend on the phone who makes me laugh. I decline large gatherings of my husbands family right now as they just bring me too much pain and are to numerous and overwhelming for me to handle although one at a time communication I can deal with. I am doing what works for me at my own pace and that is what you need to do also. I think you are doing fantastic.
Love and hugs to you!
Kathy
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • cedarbrooke

    As I Get Older....

    Posted by: cedarbrooke
    Last Reply: JazzyLady
    4
  • billwfriend

    I cannot get a cut and paste to post

    Posted by: billwfriend
    Last Reply: cedarbrooke
    5
    Old Hillbilly Wisdom:Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.The best sermons are lived, not preached.If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the...