Yes to the fake public person with all the anguish just bubbling right below the surface, and the wailing in the car on the way home from work daily, and the lonely weekends that I try to fill up with distracting activities. Eleven weeks out, and so sad. No help here, just commiseration.

I hear ya Gail. I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm sorry for all of our pain. I fake it too. Really....what r u supposed to say when people ask how you are. I know they're sincere but how many times can you say I'm ok and not mean it. Last night I finally said it out loud to my daughter. I said, "No I'm not okay. I'm lonely and miss daddy terribly. I'm half of what I was. No one can fix it not even you honey. No one. I'm trying my best. It takes time. I will never heal but the wound will scab over. That's just how it is." She didn't say anything. What could she say. I was being totally honest. I said it gently but she knew I meant it.
Roz....where r u when we need you! Tell us again how time will heal!
Love to you Gail. We will be okay. We will...
Darcie

Gail: I am sorry, it is a horrible stage to go through. All you want is your life back with the person that was the center of it. Believe me I get it. I called it my howling at the moon phase. Just F... this new life, I want my old life and my husband back! I want someone to love me!. Eventually, I came to the realization that only one person was going to put me first and build a new life with me. Myself. And like senior calculus, I put my nose to the grindstone and just did it. Failed a lot at first, then had some success, and finally got to a point where I was happy with me and my life.

Darcie, time doesn't heal, but if you give yourself care and time, you heal yourself. Not so much a scar as an amputation, in my mind. You will always miss that leg, it was a good leg, it was integral to you. But you can have a fulfilling and good life without that leg too. Doesn't mean that you don't limp, but the limp is a badge of honor.
Hugs,
Val

Oh Val....leave it up to you to come up with the perfect reply! Wow! What you said means so much to me.
Thank you so much!
Hugs
Darcie

Gail,, can I say I'm right there with you, only 15 weeks out and I miss Johnny like crazy, I too am fake I smile and say that I'm okay, I laugh at silly joke and I want to slap those who still have their other half and act like they hate each other, I really want to shake them The unfairness of it all. Johnny and I and you and yours we had something special, while they walk around gripping and complaining,,, I hate that most of all and that's when I'm the fakest.
You know, I let those screams out, don't know if I'm supposed to or not but I do, there no one in the house except my little Kenzie and she's usually sitting in my lap when I do.
This is not a journey I would chose for anyone, but like you I make it day by day. Let that scream out girl, let them here you loud and clear.

I'm so sorry Gail. We can all relate to the fake person, the shell that still walks and talks, and feels only pain and emptiness for the most part, pain we can't relate to anyone in our daily lives because that's just it, they can't relate. It takes a long time, days upon days that add up to a couple years before I could begin to accept it. That was the corner for me, radical acceptance, and then in Year 3 I confronted a future which I now even term 'my' future. It will get better and I know that is also hard to believe.
Hugs,
Jean

Im only 12 weeks out tommarrow. I want to feel better not to have the void and emptiness that we all feel without our mate. But we have to take care of ourselves, wanting to give a shit about something, not feeling pain. I suppose it will be alot of time that we have to endure to find ourselves again and write the new way of living without them. we have a way to vent here. We have our friends here and resources to get through this new way of living. Everyone here understands the pain your going through. My husbands death was sudden also. I think when your loved ones death is sudden we are in shock that we didn't say goodbye or get the chance to. you linger on the last time you talked to them and the last kiss. It's horrible. I give you my support. Hugs, Donna

Darcie, I'm here.......right here with you. I know the feeling of that amputation that Val speaks of. I, too, am limping my way through life.

I limp my way through the day of work....I get in my car....it's only a half hour to home but just enough time for me to talk to Morey, to me and to the powers that took him away from me. Just time enough to really get out all the words, tears and screams that I need to.

Over these past 2 1/2 years I've wailed my way home......I can't even imagine the folks who have driven along side me and saw my hands waving, head shaking, tear wiping and wondered, "what the heck!" Now that it's dark my own, personal therapy sessions can be more illustrious and showy......no one can see me!

I have to admit that over time my show is shorter and I revive from this session must easier and with less gasping for air!

May sound a bit dramatic to some of you but it works for me. I'm a "self soother", always have been. It's learned behavior and I've been doing it since I was a child. I highly recommend it!

With lots of healing hugs,
Roz

OMG I feel exactly the same way. I say it every day. I am done...faking this yes I am ok stuff for everyone else. I am not ok and I will not be ok and I am not working on being ok

Hi Gail, I totally understand your pain and frustration. I want my Johnny back too. It's only been 3 months.They say to move forward, doesn't happen. I try to move forward, but the sadness goes wherever I go, even when I get on the SunLink train in Tucson and ride around town 3 or 4 times, going forward to nowhere. If that train went up to the mountains and let me out 9,000 feet elevation, I could scream my tears out. Go somewhere, up to the mountains, somewhere isolated, and scream your guts out. It needs to come out. Society restricts our screaming and crying too much, we have to break free of that. Take care of yourself, Gail. We are all here for each other.
Hugs and sunflowers,
Nanette

You're right. It does stink. Losing my husband was awful and all I wanted was to wake up from this nightmare. Day after day I felt I would never, ever, be close to being happy. I was convinced I would live the rest of my life beaten down, a punishment I didn't deserve.

Val and Roz are right. I was wrong, but I needed to feel the loss before I could ever get a chance to truly live again. I couldn't look forward to a future until I dealt with today and today (then) I was lonely, scared, and so very sad and angry at what happened.

It takes time to grasp what happened, but as you work through the emotions healing begins. Take care of today. Cry. Scream. Rant. Even vent. It's exhausting. Then it becomes cleansing. And at last it becomes cleansing. Sharon

Yep, "sad lonely, sack of shit" is how my new life feels !
I always miss the one who loved me no matter what.

Gail, I too understand how you feel. This really sucks. This was not supposed to happen was it? But here we are indeed. Lost, lonely, scared as if our hearts were ripped out and nobody feels our pain. But we do, we all do. It's not fair, the tears are always under the surface. We are supposed to go on when we know not how to. Not when the one we loved so unconditionally, who was always by our side is gone. I don't know how to be me, because we were us for forty years. But we must find a way. Little by little, one moment at a time. Cry those tears, scream those screams, hit whatever you can. Get that anger out. Keeping it bottled up only hurts us. if people don't understand when I weep, to heck with them. I will find my way out of this infinate hole and hope to find some sort of acceptable life. Whatever that is. But damn it, I will always miss him no matter what. Hugs and Love to all, Michele

There is so much I miss of him sometimes that I can't breath. I go to my FB page and all I see is our friends photos of their travels, babies sitting on their papa's laps, and I want to die. We were that couple once and now there is nothing. It's several months and everyone thinks I am ok, but I am definitely not.. I worry more about making people uncomfortable than my feelings. When will this roller coaster ride stop.

Love all your comments. Remember the grand production which was the funeral. Centre stage poor grieving widow and all that. I know I looked awesome that day not a tear in sight. I organized such a wonderful event. Thank God we all still have a sense of humour and a will to survive.