My husband died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack at the age of 41. I relived that moment over and over for at least six months. I couldn't focus on any of the good memories until the very end of the first year. The shock and grief just left me replaying the same scene over and over again. Please be patient and give yourself time. It does subside but it takes time.

Linda,
For my wife it was 98 days from cancer diagnosis to her passing. I have relived those 98 over and over and over. Cancer does terrible things to a person as it takes their life from them. Unfortunately traumatic events create memories that are sometimes as vivid today as the day they occurred. It is like people remembering exactly what they were doing when they first learned of JFK being shot in Dallas or of the twin towers being attacked. At a time when I really wanted to remember anything else, it is those 98 days that stick with me. It has now been just over 15 months since my wifes passing. I am not as bad about the memories as I was, but yes I do know what you are going through. The good memories are still there and they will come back, but it takes time for them to work their way back to the surface. No easy task but they do come back. I wish I could tell you how much time it will take, but I cant. I will encourage you to do this, watch for those good memories to come, they will sneak in quietly, one at a time, but if you watch for them you can celebrate them when they do come. Each celebration will make it easier for the next one to come and so on and so forth. The good will eventually overcome the bad.
Take care
Martin

It's been six months and as hard as I try to relive/remember all the good memories my mind dwells on that last ten days in the hospital. I relive it over and over again in my mind. Wondering if I could've done something different. Hopefully the years of good memories will come back some day - here's hoping - for all of us.

Yes, Ben passed 3rd, July 2014. About a month after, I couldn't get my mind off his trauma and suffering during his long illness. I could remember every detail of his last few weeks before he died.i was so fixated on everything, I kept wondering if I did everything possible for him. It was a kind of post traumatic stress. My daughter confided to me, that she felt the same.
I was able to think all of that time through in detail, and have peace, knowing, that I did everything humanly possible to make every day as pain free, stress free, comfortable and loving as could be. I look back on that as a healing time. My daughter has also come to terms with her feelings, thank The Lord.
I believe you will reach that point too, Linda. I have come to understand that there is no quick way out of this grief, everything has to be endured and worked through. It's hard.
You are in the right place for support,
Warm hugs for you,
Sandra



























have

This is a topic i almost posted myself..i too have been stuck re-living how i found my wife that night when i got home, and the only other memories i seem to have are from the last 7 years of hospital visits/er visits, surgeries...

its tearing me up. i KNOW we had other memories..i KNOW we had good, fun memories..I cant find them.. I know its just been a little over a month and 3 days for me..but i want to remember the good times so so bad :(

I have also found a peace about the six months from diagnosis to his death. He had lung cancer and I watched him waste away. It has been sixteen months and I still go through the days before he passed away, but it is not as intense. I am thankful that he doesn't have to suffer, to feel embarrassed about people looking at him, or me taking care of him. He was very independent and proud. I now think more about our early years together, (we were both married before, was together for 36 years) and how much fun we had on our trips and other activities. It makes me smile.

I'm so glad you brought this up. I thought it was only me that felt this way. The last six months of my husbands life were dominated by visits to the Dr, hospital stays, chemo, blood draws etc. The memory of him dying at home is traumatic to say the least. I've spent the last 5 months trying to replace those memories with ones of happier times but it's difficult. It like I can't remember life before he was sick. I know we were happy and had lots of good times together but it's all muted. I have to go back and look at photos to reassure myself it really happened. I think we're concentrating so hard on holding it together that there's not much left for anything else. I'm hoping time will bring the good and happy memories back again. Liz

The good memories will come back. 22 months here. Now I can smile at the memories. Sandee

Linda..I am a few weeks into my 2nd year and finally I am letting that part go somewhat...it was a 4 year fight for us and there really were some funny and special moments..I am going to keep them...I don't think I really focussed on the last few weeks but held on to this cancer researching...like I could change the out come...when I finally let that go I had to face the fact of why I was letting that go and as I grow thru that..I am letting out some heart break..and now there is room for those before cancer memories...and I got a feeling there will be some more wonderful memories in my future that will take place...sending u a very big hug

Linda, my Morey died 20 months ago. He had a central nervous system stroke and slowly became an invalid and bed ridden. But, until they diagnosed it the doctors were trying to get him to stand, walk with physical therapy.......he couldn't do any of it. He became a noodle. Poor guy......it's all I can do to get past the visions of him on the floor; fetal position in bed; and the pain in his beautiful blue eyes, begging me to help him!!!!!

When the good memories, and there were over 40 years of them, come back and I feel strong enough to look at all of our amazing picture albums without falling apart, I know I'll be alright.

Be kind to YOU, don't expect miracles, not yet!

Roz

My husband died in October 2010 of Lymphoma after a year and 2 months of fighting for his life 3 different doctors and 3 different hospitals he died at our home in a hospital bed in our living room. Every room in our house had very bad memories from that last year.
Even though we were married for 27 years and spent 25 of them in that house raising our daughter with the best of memories, happy times.......all I could think of were the horrible ones at the end. No matter how hard I tried to stop and focus on a good memory at a certain spot in the house it just wouldn't come it always reverted back to a bad one. I tried remodeling. I couldn't go into our bedroom at all. Had to change to a different room for my bedroom or slept on the couch. Within a year I had to move cause it was too haunting to me. I loved the house, especially the outside and the porch, but I just couldn't take the bad thoughts anymore. My new house was a refreshing change, that I made my own and am trying to make new memories there. I now have 2 grandsons who take my mind away from the loneliness the instant they walk in the door. They were a god send.

My husband was terminal when he was diagnosed and only lived 10 weeks although the oncologist said 3-6 months. I relived those weeks and the doctor telling us of no hope. I fought believing that it could be true. He had cancer before and recovered. He had several heart attacks and recovered. The chemo from the first cancer left him with insulin dependant diabetes, but he recovered. Why not this time?
We never thought of him as sick in any way. He was active, going to the gym, riding his bicycle and riding together on his motorcycle. Then he died.

You will find those happier times and you will find the memories make you smile. For now, it's working through the feelings and fears. But you will find your way. Sharon

I too spent the first year or more with the images of Donna lying in the ICU just loosing a little bit more of herself every day. She was in the ICU for 27 days on a ventilator and was not able to communicate. There was so much I wanted to talk with her about but it was one sided. I wanted so much to hear her voice once more but it wasn't to be. I like Sandee have been able to see past those horrendous images and have been trying to focus on the good ones with some success. I will say though the holidays are my worst time and when my grief is the most acute. Take care everyone, and may you all have a peaceful holidays.

Jeff

I'm having the same problem. The memories of my wife's heart attack and sudden death haunt me. She had been sick for awhile, but the heart attack was a shock. My good memories are blurred, and the recent not so good ones dominate. I hope that time will help us. Chris