Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

The Seconds are as devastating as the Firsts

praised
praised
For two weeks I have been experiencing a sadness that took me back to the earliest weeks of grief. It has been fifteen months and I could not understand why I was carrying this heaviness. Everything is reasonably stable. I bought a new car. Then it hit me. Our birthdays are in November, (mine around the first of the month), His, twenty days later. I had prayed that he would celebrate his 75th birthday last year but he didn't. I will be celebrating my 75th and thinking about it brought a new reason to be sad, but I am grateful that I am here to celebrate. Does anyone understand what I am saying?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, I think so. Yesterday was my husband's birthday. He would have been 64, but he died 22 months ago when he was 62. I will be 62 in December and I struggle with what am I doing here without him. My life just doesn't make sense anymore. Everything seems so empty and hollow. It doesn't seem like it's getting easier. I miss him so much and cannot imagine ever again feeling like I belong in this world. This morning I thought about how I've had two years without him and the next two years will be years he never had. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this time.
Katexyz123
Katexyz123
I am glad you are grateful to be here for another birthday. Here's wishing you a Happy Birthday (alittle early). I guess all we can do is take each day as it comes & hope each new day will bring something new to make us just a bit happier.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Yes, I think I understand. Cliff was only 55 when he died, and when I turned 56, it hit me hard because he didn't make it to 56. I am 57 now, and I still stop myself and think how can it be that I am still here and he is not and he will never get to be my age. In a way, it makes the term "forever young" have new meaning for me - he will never be older than 55 even as I get older and greyer. It will never feel like that was fair, him dying at only 55. I have accepted it, but it still seems unfair.

Does that make sense??

Love and Hugs,
Martha
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
I always told my husband he would ALWAYS be older than me. Was I ever wrong. Next May I will be the age he was when he died. 66...
onebrokenheart
onebrokenheart
Oh yes I do understand. My birthday is in September and I was very busy but I found myself feeling very depressed and realized it had to do with another year older and my husband not here. Now that we are approaching November I again find myself sinking into a deeper depression and its because November is his birthday month. Seems each holiday, birthday, anniversary ect brings a layer of sadness with it.
soalone2to1
soalone2to1
I just realized that November not only brings a holiday thansgiving without my husband (a first) but also my parents anniversary, and 21 years nov 23rd that my dad died, my stepsons 44th birthday ( first without his dad and his mom. This will be a hard month to get through.
mclizm
mclizm
Yes, I had always hoped my husband would make it to 60. If he did I was planning a party as I would turn 50 the same year. Unfortunately he died at 58. I never tried bargaining with God but we can't help hoping we reach certain milestones. Next weekend will be my 1st birthday as a widow. I think that & the upcoming holidays are why I'm suddenly so emotional again. Hugs to you. Liz
Jeff-Bolen
Jeff-Bolen
I understand too. Donna was 4 years older than me. She passed at 63 and I was 59. I know she was planning a big party for me when I reached 60 but unfortunately she never saw it. I razzed her when she hit 60 that I was married to an older woman. We had a lot of fun with that. I will be sad when I see 63 and she isn't here God willing.
praised
praised
Thank you for responding and as always helping me to get through this. I had a wonderful distraction when my daughter treated me to a birthday trip in Vegas. We ate, went to shows, shopped and drove all over even to the mountain area. It was wonderful. She put me up at the Encore on the 62nd floor. We stayed for four days. It helped so much getting away, even though he was always with me, the memories of us together. I continue to pray for all of us traveling this path.
russ1153
russ1153
My wife would have been 61 on 11/4 and this year it hit me hard. Im at 20 months so this isnt a first but I think certain days or events will hit harder than normal because they are gone. At times it still feels like a bad dream.
Russ
deleted_user
deleted_user
praised,
Isn't it strange how certain "triggers" will make us think of our partners. I'm at 19 months tomorrow and I'm so saddened by his passing that it's hard to explain!

His birthday, Sept. 7, will always be a trigger for me, I imagine it will be this way the rest of my life.

I was so lucky to have known such love and so unlucky to have watched that love pass so horribly.

The ups and downs of this can drive a sane woman crazy.......I'm going to go and have a very sad moment, excuse me.........

Roz
ClearWx
ClearWx
Praised, We understand..I am having trouble with the number 11...my wife died on 11-03...my mom on 07-11...my mother-in-law on 10-11...my father-in-law on 10-01-which added together equals 11...my best friend's mom on 05-11...not all in the same year , thank GOD...and we all remember 09/11 and 03/11 in Spain...You are not alone...you have many friends here...I was praying and hoping to get my wife to see our daughter graduate college and see her marry and have grandchildren...but her Cancer became too overwhelming...still I was blessed for 26 years...May GOD bless you as well...Alex
mardelagrimas
mardelagrimas
Oh, Praised! We really are NOT alone in this! November has been awful for me too.......my birthday on the 2nd, my husband's on the 4th and our wedding anniversary on Thanksgiving which in the year we married fell on the 28th. Never never never will November be my favorite month again. I do so feel what you feel. My husband died 2 years and 3 months ago. The pain is still the same. Ana Maria.
Veronica77
Veronica77
Mike's birthday was November 7 and all I could think was "why isn't he here for his birthday?" It really hit me and I ended up at Wal-Mart shopping around for a few things and thinking about how he always enjoyed our shopping trips. It was a last minute choice to go shopping and somehow seemed to be appropriate. November 11 was 9 months since his passing. I also have trouble with the number "11" ClearWx. Hugs