I can't say the second year is harder, I'm not sure why it would be. I'm not saying that on the second anniversary suddenly everything became fine--it is has progressed. I can think more clearly and am a bit more confident. The pain is more manageable--not so much lessened but I am able to function without feeling sad all the time.

Grief is not linear, so there is a lot of bouncing until our emotions become more stable. We are all different, there is not set time. Don't compare yourself to someone else with a different set of circumstances. We all will get through this and go on with our lives. I know it isn't easy, but that is what we must do. I think it may be hard to look back and see how far we've come and we even become impatient with ourselves--but I think by the second year, we have made a lot of progress.

My days are basically the same day after day. My pain is finally less after the second year. I also am more accepting that, this is the way it is,. I have to live my life without him. There are days I cry. I tell him everyday that I love and miss him, multiple times per day.
I much prefer how I am now to how i was even a few weeks before the sceond anniversary when i couldnt stop crying... it was too much pain...Blessings Debbie:)

The reason they say the second year is the hardest is the widow's fog is completly gone. I found my second year the same as the first with a lot of pain and still crying. Now that I am at 2 1/2 years it is much better with the pain much less. I do still cry but not for as long. I think I have adjusted to this crappy widowhood...

In some ways my second year is harder - but that is only because of circumstances and the fact that it is noticeable that my husband is not here to help with the problems. If I didn't have my other "issues" - I would say it was the same in some ways different in others.

The first year I was sooo upset when I didn't hear from friends. I wanted to be with and talk to other people - didn't like eating alone, etc. But now - I find I like to be alone more than I did before - guess I have gotten to accept it.

I think personally the second year is not any better than the first. It is just longer since I have seen my sweetheart.

((((HUGS))))
Karl

To me the second year is difficult because if the first year is about survival, the second is about rebuilding, and that is hard work. I also had thought that something magical would happen on the first year anniversary--and it didn't. That was a disappointment. I'm approaching the second anniversary now and I am finding that I'm in a much better place with myself. I have hope and excitement about the future. The sense of loss is still there, but I have plenty of distractions and I don't let myself dwell on the sadness. That's my way of "carrying on." Hugs, Amy

I am almost at the end of my second year. I would not say this year was harder than the first but it is different. The first year I just went day to day to just make it through. The second year the fog lifted and then came the work. It was decision making time. What do I do now, do I change anything or decide to not change. I also had to work at moving forward, seeking therapy, forcing myself to become a part of society again, to make new friends and become active again.
First year...get by.
Second year...get busy.
Third year? I'm actually a little excited to get there and see what it brings.

all - well said - i am at 10 months and i know it's totally a day by day thing-i hope someday to be whole again without the love of my life

For me, I know that much of my mindset the first year was getting though all of the firsts. First birthday and anniversary without my Lil' Bear, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first Mothers Day and the anniversary of her passing. Somehow I thought that if I got through all those firsts then things would be better.

The reality was that things had been getting better, I was coping better, accepting my new life without my love. So then when that first year passed it was disappointing, there was no catharsis, no breakthrough.

Again, for me, I am not finding the second year harder, just different.

Hugs, -Pete-

For me, the second year has been much better, although I'm only at one year 8 months. Passing all the "firsts" was so painful, especially the anticipation of each one. But each one passed OK, with tears and sadness but I made it. This year I happily made my plane reservation to fly as usual in October up to VA to visit his family for a week. This time last year I was a basket case thinking I would fall apart arriving there w/o my sweetheart. But the trip went very well. Tears, sadness, but much happiness at being with his family again, whom I love dearly and the feeling is mutual. I am so ready to go this year, without fear! That is progress! I'm getting used to the loneliness in the house and I get sad and cry some, but I am getting to where I would be OK going to a steakhouse by myself without discomfort. I don't need another person and I enjoy watching other people. It actually can be a hobby! My Joe used to LOVE to watch people, like in the malls. The second year is much calmer than the first, with acceptance of sorrow as a way of life. Each day I awake is one day closer to being with Joe again.

I am halfway through my 2nd year - it is now time for me to start living my life, such as it is. I find that I am putting off making decisions about my future. I feel like I want to move on, but my brain says - huh? I could use some advice myself (?) G-

Cheerry, sometimes I get tired of moving on. It takes such effort. Sometimes I just want to sit down and that's all. I miss my husband so much. Still, death is part of our existence. One of us had to leave first. So on the days I find it hardest to move forward, I ask God to hellp me. So far I'm buying a home.

Cheery...same thing with me. I have been putting off decisions that need to be made. Every day I tell myself today I will make calls to get some work done on our home..and everyday I find an excuse not to make the calls. I think the whole thing of having strangers around..when my husband used to do it all. Nothing he couldnt build or fix....still miss him every single day...Debbie

I'm at 1 yr 8 mos. Tonight at a church small group meeting that we have, I broke down in tears and a gush of emotion poured out. It completely surprised me that I had so much emotion in me that had to get out. I, too, wonder how long before the extreme emotions will be softened. I feel guilty saying I don't like this new life, but I really don't. I'm still wanting to be finished with this life. I'm staying busy, enjoying my grandchildren, but I have no life partner anymore. Stinks, to say the least.

I think the second year can be harder because we get very little sympathy and compassion from those around us. Everyone around us thinks we should be done with it all by then. The first few months we tend to get support, and then it dwindles as you get to the one year anniversary. By the second year, nobody wants to hear about it.

"First year...get by.
Second year...get busy.
Third year? I'm actually a little excited to get there and see what it brings. "

I liked that - it makes a lot of sense to me. I'm in my fourth year - will hit the 4-year anniversary in November. It does get easier, hang in there. Love and Hugs, Martha