Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Every few months I wind up re-posting this as new members of our group haven't seen this. JazyJo sent this to me when we were both very early on in our grief process, and it was a big help for me. So for the old-timers here, pardon my repeating myself, but it came up again. Love and Hugs to All, Martha
The Mourners Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain rights no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, dont allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you dont feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Dont take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience griefbursts. Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
The Mourners Bill of Rights
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain rights no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, dont allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you dont feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Dont take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience griefbursts. Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
hugs
joanie
I just joined this group. I belong to For Widows Only that has helped me considerably in my grief. It was my lifeline about this time last year. Without it, I really do not know what I would have done!
Now, though, I am ready to reach out to others through groups that have lost their spouses. Hope I can find a niche here too.
My husband, Joe, died Dec. 2007 suddenly from cardiac arrest. It was such a shock!
He was hardly ever sick the 40 1/2 years that I knew him. We were married 38 1/2 yrs.
He didn't take any meds and was only 58 yrs. old. That seems too young to just collapse and that's it!! Yes, I know younger people have died this way also, but I didn't really know anyone. And, of course, they weren't my husband!
We have 3 grown children, and lots of family on both sides (his and mine). Joe had sooo
many friends! I've never seen so many men be in such pain over a friends' death, as over Joe's. Almost every friend would say either: "I've lost my best friend." or "I've lost one of the best friends I ever had."
Seeing the pain on everyone's face was very painful for me also. I guess I always want to ease other's pain, but it was rather impossible for me to do that ~ at that time! I was in so much pain and shock myself, that I don't think I helped anyone else. My children were also in a state of shock, but they wanted to take care of me.
All are married, and I am so thankful that they all have someone to go home to be with them.
That first year, as I'm sure you all know, is so very hard! All the "firsts" without him seemed to send that wave of grief that much higher. I have found, though, that beginning the 2nd year has been very hard ~ in a different way. The "aloneness" seems to be even worse. It seems since dreading all the "firsts", the aloneness now takes over.
Now, where do I go from here? That is the big question.
Hope everyone is doing ok 'out there' in cyberspace. :o) Joely
Thanks for your reply. I know ~~ none of us have all the answers.
Yes, I want to do the best I can to begin to live ~ again. In this past 15 months, I think I have been "going through the motions" more than anything else. Although, I have done several things with my children ~ and enjoyed them, just still missed Joe. We've always been a close family, but those first few months, my kids were wonderful! They called every night, well, one daughter lives beside me. Now, it might be a couple of nights between calls from my son and other daughter, but, still more frequent than before Joe's passing. We had just lived life, and kept in touch at least once a week, and of course, did holidays and special days together.
Nothing can ever be the same, not without Joe, but, I do KNOW that life does move on. I just have had a hard time really living that.
Then, I fell down a flight of stairs, and dislocated my left shoulder and banged up my legs, especially my right leg. That was 8 weeks ago. It is the first time I've had to do w/o Joe during a time of sickness, or accident. So, kind of set me back.
I also want to do a quilt for each of the kids. My sister said she would help me. I'd need LOTS of help, have never done a quilt! My mother used to always have a quilt on the quilting frames and working on it. She was a widow for 23 years, after she & Daddy had been married 46 yrs. She said she never intended to marry or date again, and she didn't. Of course, my mother was the 'traditional' grandmother if there ever was one.
Have rambled on too much. Thanks for the reply. I know we need to make the most of our days, and I hope all on here will try to do just that. Joely
I wish we could wear arm bands, or some other outwardly sign, so that people would know to take what we do and say with a grain of salt.
Grief bursts are also good to read about. I actually had to be escorted home by a cop two weekends ago because they were worried if I could drive! Now I always pull over if it happens in the car.
Nice to read. Thanks
Thanks ... Tom
helpful ??, a nine mm would have been more helpful , either to shoot her or my self , not sure which .lol