Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

The Mailman

morita
morita
Not sure if any w/w have experienced this or not, but I dread getting the mail. For 36 years, I chose to let Dan handle all finances, business, etc. while I was mainly a stay at home mom. Dan did try through the years to teach me, but I pretty much blew it off. When the end was near, I finally tried to pay attention and what little time was left, he gave me a crash course. That's exactly what it feels like. A horrible crash. I didn't even know what bills there were, let alone how to pay them, especially on line and other details he handled on the computer. I have no one to blame but myself. Every day it seems like there is something in the mailbox I have to figure out without him. Mixed feelings - anxiety of what's next, sadness & anger because I don't want to face the issues; mad at Dan for leaving, more mad at myself, more appreciation for all he did, and maybe just a speck of satisfaction when I finish a task. But still..dreading the mailman...because he comes every day.
slimbear
slimbear
Not sure how long it's been for you. My wife had also handled all the finances, and her passing was unexpected, so I didn't know any of her passwords. Had to figure it all out. The first month was terrible, second month only slightly better. But now things have settled down. At 10 months I only got one unexpected piece of mail the whole month.
cgriff4ever
cgriff4ever
Morita, I am so sorry your having to go through all of this. Luckily for me, I always did all the bills etc, but when he passed away the bills still came, and then the dreaded "Mr. and his and our last name", still get junk mail for my husband sometimes, which just makes me a bit sad, so rather than looking at it over and over again, I put it immediately in the wastebasket. Luckily for my sean, he no longer has to pay bills, or look at all the junkmail. wish we could send them letters though, telling them how much we love, appreciate, and were grateful for them in our lives, loving us totally and completely. wow wouldnt that be fun for that mailman, he'd never have a days rest, lol. much love and hugs carla
morita
morita
slimbear, I am sorry for your loss. Wow. I get it. The password thing was a big issue for me, too. It's been since Sept., so I hope in time it gets better. carla, I admire you for doing all the finances and maybe I will send a nice letter to Dan! lol
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
When my husband was diagnosed with cancer 19 years ago, I had never paid the bills. But he was not good at it. He dropped the ball. He was in bed for 6 months. So... I picked up the ball and ran with it. Had to figure it all out on my own. I got it all straightened out, then he recovered, got it all messed up again!!!...Well, I straightened it out again when he got sick... Finally, he completely screwed it up totally again!!!... He has been gone 3 years now. I haven't had any problems with finances again. And haven't even had to borrow any money. And have money left over.... The first week of the month I pay all my bills, and just sit back for the rest. I might add, I make 1/3rd of what we made. He blew more money than what he drew. On nothing... I guess I am thrifty. It will all work out... Take care....Sandee
deleted_user
deleted_user
My best suggestion to any couple who are going to live together, married or not; share the responsibility of the finances in your home; have a filing system; share passwords; know each other's finances and plans for the future. Have NO secrets.

Have a medical directive in place as well as a will. Sit down and discuss what each one wants in terms of family pets, furnishings, personal belongings, etc. Write it down, file it and be prepared.

When one of you dies it should be easy for the other one to take over all systems of running the house.

Roz
sassiesoftail
sassiesoftail
Tim took over paying the bills about 8 years before he passed. When he passed and I was driving to MN to his funeral I had the strangest feeling that I needed to pay the Visa bill. I called the bank and it was due that day. It was uber important that it was paid on time as it was the only credit card in my name and it has been my lifesaver. Now I pay the bills the day I receive them. I use bill pay through my bank. I have mastered the bill paying thing.
We were both very thirfty so even though I don't have/make much money I am comfortable.
Hugs, Sandi
morita
morita
OMGosh! Tax season?! I wish I could hibernate. lol Thanks to all of you for advice ie. going to bank for assistance to explain things and setting up a good file system w/passwords, etc. I don't want my kids to have so much difficulty when I pass trying to figure things out. Great ideas! Aiyiyi..tax season..
dariamiro
dariamiro
My take on the mail and the mailman is totally different. I was the one in charge of daily finances and my Miro was in charge of investing, so that is where my challenge lies. In the first months I was desperately looking for signs, any sign of him giving me a message, talking to me, answering my questions, helping me with my decisions. And one especially desperate day, at about 3 months, I received an answer - in the mail. The questions was: what is my purpose here, without you? The answer was on the face of our favored cruise line's brochure. It said: Begin a new story... I believe in messages in my mail box:)
morita
morita
Sweet. 'Begin a new story'.. love it. You sound like you've got it together! If I saw that brochure in my mail, my thought without reading it would be: leave town while you can.. lol
scottito
scottito
Hi Morita, I had the same issue only in reverse - Juanita handled all our personal finances for 30 years -- I just handed her my checks and she worked her magic. Best thing happened to me during month one was that I missed making a utiliyt payment, and when I went in to take her name off the account, they informed me I had a late charge. So I got everyone of my bills that I could set up on auto pay so it just comes out of my checking account automatically. Took me some time to figure out what had to be paid every month, and I remember how overwhelming it was to me (which makes no sense since I am the financial manager of a nonprofit with an annual budget of over $4 million). The business I knew, but the household, I had absolutely no clue. Anyway, that autopay saved my bacon and kept my bills getting paid. Good luck and feel free to post any questions you have -- lots of people here available to help you. ~ Scott
deleted_user
deleted_user
Daria, I love your story. We think that everyone's life is so different with different perspectives but really, we're more alike than we are different. It's kind of refreshing to know that isn't it.

I pay my bills the day they arrive by phone if I can, it's so much easier and faster than making out a check and trusting the mail system.

Roz
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
OK GUYS...Quit knocking the "mailman", my youngest son has been one for years... he says, don't knock the messenger...lol
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