So, after telling him that my heart was hurting too badly and that I couldn't consider anything more than friends, he got very upset. That night, New Years, we were talking again and he was very hurt. He unfriended everyone on fb, except for his closest friends and family. He even unfriended his late wife's family. And me. The next morning, I got a friend request from him. We had lunch together and it was awkward. I dropped him off at his hotel and told him that I would hang out with him later. After hanging out with him for an awkward 2 hours I went home, frustrated. I sent him messages and we talked on fb. The next morning, I picked him up for breakfast. The whole time I was getting ready for breakfast I realized that I hadn't given him a fair shake. I let my fears get in the way of us being friends. I compared him to my late husband. I was critical of him. So, I decided that his last morning here, I would give him the opportunity to be himself and us be friends.
He got in my car and kissed me! It was very sweet and I really liked it. It also confused me. I'm still not sure if I liked it because I haven't been kissed in so long or if it was that kiss. It was very pleasant. He held my hand while I drove. Again, nice.
We had breakfast and went back to his room and talked. Since I had decided to let him be himself, I could see how unbelievably nervous he was. I was too! It gave me peace. While sitting there with him, I wanted to cuddle up with him but I didn't want to seem overly affectionate or give him a heart attack.
At the airport, we kissed each other. Mutual. It was even better. And I gave him a huge hug, sending him home to Germany. Funny, I'd given him two other hugs and he wasn't very receptive but the hug before he boarded the plane was downright wonderful!
I learned ALOT from this experience. My fears of physical intimacy are not necessary, I set the boundaries. I learned that I like taking it slow. I learned that communication is key to any relationship and something I need to work on. I learned that I have baggage. My friends are not accepting of me dating. 2 of my 3 kids are. I learned that he has baggage too. We carry this huge hole in our hearts which can make us very wary of being hurt again. But, I also learned that we can work through our fears, our worries, our disappointments and our grief. He had already refriended everyone before I picked him up for breakfast. I felt bad that he had to go through that but in the end i think it was best for him and I both. He spent ALOT of money to come here, he put his heart on the line. I hurt him and he recovered quickly. I'm impressed with that and plan on remaining in touch with him. Besides, I think I owe him an apology for comparing him to my late husband. :)
I apologized for my other baggage and he said he understood. I'm afraid of apologizing for comparing him to Mike because it seems so harsh. I'm learning....