Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
In the beginning we tend to go to extremes (Seven Choices) Idealizing the person we lost as a saint or a villian. We may have lived in a love - hate relationship w/them/ had unresolved anger/ fantasy of death wishes against them now they are gone those are gone as we mourn their loss.
It says if we do not admit those ambivalent feelings - which are common in our lives - we will not complete our mourning. "The greatest obstacle to in way of making new relationshipsafter beavrement & being able to live meaninful again are ambivalent feelings about the deceased and the denial of ones' own hate self. Denying the hate the mourner impairs the love and the capacity to be in love contact with other people" Critical to resolving the loss is to accept the good and bad of the human relationship accept and balance it. Remember our relationship with this person by the minuses and pluses. - the real person they were. than mourning will progress successfully.
I thought this fit good with a previous post. And very interesting point. I admit pondering and thinking this through is still there for me but it does make sense.
I think there are things in many relationships that were bad for some of us, and because boom they left us those issues were not resolved (many never would be because we did not leave the relationship prior to their death) thereby we tend to mourn their loss in the typical manner downplaying the bad in them because our society tends to want to speak good of the dead. I hope what i am saying is not offensive because I am speaking in general ideas which may help some people and give others food for thought.
It says if we do not admit those ambivalent feelings - which are common in our lives - we will not complete our mourning. "The greatest obstacle to in way of making new relationshipsafter beavrement & being able to live meaninful again are ambivalent feelings about the deceased and the denial of ones' own hate self. Denying the hate the mourner impairs the love and the capacity to be in love contact with other people" Critical to resolving the loss is to accept the good and bad of the human relationship accept and balance it. Remember our relationship with this person by the minuses and pluses. - the real person they were. than mourning will progress successfully.
I thought this fit good with a previous post. And very interesting point. I admit pondering and thinking this through is still there for me but it does make sense.
I think there are things in many relationships that were bad for some of us, and because boom they left us those issues were not resolved (many never would be because we did not leave the relationship prior to their death) thereby we tend to mourn their loss in the typical manner downplaying the bad in them because our society tends to want to speak good of the dead. I hope what i am saying is not offensive because I am speaking in general ideas which may help some people and give others food for thought.
I have found, too, that the extremes on the negative side aren't entirely true either. Even if your spouse was a complete a-hole, there must have been something lovable in them or you wouldn't be grieving, right? But when the guilt and the anger hit, it's like a spotlight gets shone on all their faults and failings. It can be hard to bring forth the good memories that would bring comfort.
Cliff and I were together for 30 years. Our relationship had so many ups and downs it was more like several relationships. Sometimes it was so bad it didn't look like we would make it. Sometimes it was so good it could take my breath away. But a lot of it was just somewhere in the middle - day-to-day joys and day-to-day aggravations.
The passage of time, and loads of reviewing, eventually help put it all in a different, more balanced perspective. I have forgiven Cliff more, and I have appreciated him more. I loved him through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Love and Hugs, Martha
After he died, some of my family tried to bring up those dark days in our marriage. Apparently, we had gotten beyond that but they hadn't. That hurt, too.
Thanks so much
LizzieMac
The book is Seven Choices, Taking the steps to new life after losing someone you love, by Elizabeth Harper Neeld.
I have the book, got it from Amazon, last week, haven't opened it yet either.
I know I haven't gotten to the point that I remember the bad parts of our marriage. I've never gotten mad, at my husband for leaving me, and I have plenty of reason to be mad at him.
Our marriage was better the last few years, because it was just us, without the drama of the kids. I think we were comfortable with each other, and still very much in love.
I'll have to open the book and read it.
Paula
"Seven CHoices" Finding Daylight after Loss Shatters Your World
Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PHD
I think mourning successfully is hit up on in several ways but to me it seems several parts hit upon what hangs some up over others, but not sure it specially pin points how to successfully mourn - I for me hit upon the moments that make sense or should I say been there done that - and back again.
I think I needed a drink after reading some of it, Smith and CUrrins to be exact....hit a nerve.....
Overall I thought it was a good book