To be honest is the best for any relationship. If you get quiet moody, not there in the moment..because something triggered your memory of your wife...That is not what she will see, if she doesn't know. Also you may feel the need to continue your hiding of feelings or other things where your wife is concerned...favorite songs? Movies? etc. This would nor be good for either of you.

My husband went to the hospital on January 2,nd , 2013. He died on Feb 11th. So the 8 months is really 9 months for me. At 34, it would be hard to find another widow to date. I find at 64, theres few men I would consider dating. I have been asked out by younger men (50's)... but my oldest son is 48.

Good men are like parking spaces, either disabled or already taken.

I met my new husband in this group, so it was out front already what my status was. I think you should answer the question if and when it comes up as it more likely will fairly early. Most women want to know what your past experience is as it may be an indicator of what to expect with you. Anyone who would have a problem with you being a widower you would not want to be in a long-term relationship with anyway, right?

For myself, I don't think it would have been possible for me to become involved with someone who did not share the experience of losing a spouse. It is not the only thing that defines who I am, but it is a significant part of my history, and as we have both been through it, we can understand and relate when things come up much more readily I think. That may not be the case for everybody, it just helped me.

Hope this makes sense....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I agree with Martha. For a year or so I really thought about dating and even tried a couple nice guys, but it wasn't "right". I gave up and just decided to live on my own and make sure I put as much "good stuff" in my life that I could. Church, volunteer work, daily time with grandson after school, etc. Then a grief support group was formed at our church and I met 7 other people who were in the same boat with recent losses. After a few months, we closed the actual meetings but agreed to have dinner once a month together. It worked out really great. It was so nice to go to a nice restaurant with other nice people (who also were hurting in the same place I was). Time went by, almost a year. Then one of the men in that group started asking me out. I thought it would be only friendship and that's all it was for several months. But things changed as we became best friends (both had loved our beloveds). We realized that we loved each other and wanted a life together. We married a little over a month ago and he still mentions her at least once a day and so do I mention Joe at least once a day probably. We understand each other in that respect. He is a good man to the bone. We have minor differences that are not so important, but his church and his faith are as strong to him as to me. I agree that I don't think I could have married a man who had never felt this kind of pain before. It feels very good to have some joy to offset the pain. We are happy in spite of what we have been through. It may not be the "YeeHaw" kind of happy of our younger days, but more the satisfied, "I'm OK because I'm with my best friend now." I recommend going to group after group of support as long as you need support and would like to meet a gentleman who might grow to be your "best friend".

Change that to gentleman or lady, please. Sorry.

Honesty is the best policy. You do not have to share all the details but the fact that you are a widower is important and needs to be known.

I am 40 but will not date or marry again so I cannot comment on much else except for being upfront right away. Best wishes to you.

I believe whatever one does, just be up front and honest about it. Being yourself is the best you can be. Someone in the same life situation is no more a guarantee of compatibility. Just be open, and when it's the right time, it will happen. Maybe what you seek is also looking for you, too. Best wishes.

There's a spinoff group of the W/W forum here at DS: " Hopeful Hearts - Living Again after the Loss." Check it out - and you will find some who have re-married, some who are dating, etc.

I think you are totally right about revealing your widowed/single parent status up front. I have learned from a few years here that people who have not lost a spouse can't ever "understand how you feel" about that person. They need to know that you will always love the one you lost, but can love someone else also. There are also widowed father blogs out there on the web that might help you. I wish you happiness and love in the future...

There are a few of us young ones out there. I am 35 and I lost my husband 4 years ago. Our son was only 7 months old then, he is now 4. I started dating someone about 16 months after he passed, but we had been close friends and had feelings for each other for almost a year before we actually made it official and we both felt like we were ready for a relationship. The new man was a good friend of my husbands, so he knew my story and about my child. It was very hard for me when i realized how strong of feelings i had for this new man. I actually started therapy thinking I was dishonoring my husband by not grieving for a certain amount of time or that i was just pushing away those feelings of pain and hurt from his death. I worked through my issues and finally felt ok with moving forward with someone else. It still took another few months for us to get in the grove of being together. We have now been together almost 3 years, been living together for about 9 months and talk about marriage. My son will sometimes call him dad, but he still knows who his dad is, as we both talk freely about him.

I'm not sure if there is much advice to give except to go slow, put yourself out there, don't be afraid of not finding someone right away, and don't feel bad if it just doesn't feel right yet. Also, if you find someone amazing, don't let it go. And I do feel you should be honest with who ever you are dating, but you don't have to spill all on your first date. Slowly get to know them, and tell them your story.

Good luck to you, and very sorry for your loss. Many blessings to you and your little girl.

Lisa

I understand what you are saying. Actually you are the first younger widower I have seen here in a long time. You will have a hard time finding someone that gets the whole picture. I do not date. I have five kids and enough on my plate as well. Those of us that have been through this nightmare are the ones that will better understand.

Maggie

I was looking up information about widowers on Youtube, and came across this video of a widower. It was related to a subject that came up, like yours in this group some time ago. I have no interest in dating, but I thought this was very interesting. I will provide a link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zX8pQZ6LaQ

I wore a widow ring up till the day of Bob's 6th anniversary when I forgot to put it back on after washing my hands in a public restroom ...
It drew alot of attention/questions b/c of its black diamond ...
I would explain it, then the following question would be "how long has it been" ...
It appears my answer allowed for an idea the depth of my grief most notably for the many men I saw regularly at Home Depot, Lowe's, the other attorneys at my lawyer's firm, etc ...
Around 3 years out, I looked & felt much better - more energetic - smiled often - then I started receiving alot of unsolicitied invitations for a date ...
So yes, it is best to be up front immediately or drop bits of information about yourself while getting acquainted prior to asking for the date ...
Honesty is the best policy ...

I'm alittle over 6 years, never have dated & still not interested ...
Yearning is part of the 7 stages of grief ...
I figured I could adjust/get through the loneliness as w/all the other grief symptoms ...
Being w/out a partner is my "new normal" & I'm absolutely good w/it ...
We all get to choose what is best for ourself ... *wink*