Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

0 Online

laurie1209 08/02/2016

Four months have passed since my husbands passing i'm finally feeling like i can do things and not be in a constant fog. The issue around writing thank yous for flowers, food, mass cards, acts of kindness...has been brought up multiple times. At first i cuold not even think about writing them but now i feel as if i can handle the task of reading the cards and processing them not just busting into tears just thinking about them. My mother-in-law felt the need to publish a general thank you in the local paper on my behalf and the families (really did not like it but went with the team player motto and sucked it up). My mother keeps asking if i need help writing them (but for some reason i feel its my responsability to write them) and have heard people asking other family members if thank yous are being sent out because if they were i did not get one. Really people you have nothing more in life to worry about than a than you note...argh.

So i guess my question would be are people actually expecting to get thank you cards and is there are a time frame they need to be sent out in (like you have a year to send out your wedding thank you notes)

jonesce78 08/02/2016

I did send out thank you cards about a month ago. How selfish of people to ask when a thank you card will be sent out. You didn't have a baby or a wedding. This wasn't something you looked forward to and want everyone to know how elated you are. This was a death. Nobody wants to thank someone for flowers sent for a funeral. I wrote what I could and sent them off. I broke down several times writing them out. I was raised in the old school days of thank you cards, but I still didn't feel like writing them and if people are more worried about a card than how you are doing then they obviously don't have their priorities straightened. I think the idea of putting something in the newspaper was a fairly good idea. You have so much going on and the last thing you need to worry about is thanking someone for flowers or food. They don't understand until it happens to them. You do what you feel is right when you are up to whatever it is you want to do. Don't feel obligated because you are being pressured. I'm so sorry that you are having to worry about this. I never expected a card or thank you when I went to a funeral or sent flowers or food. You do it out of the goodness of your own heart; no thank you's needed.

missinghim1985 08/02/2016

Chads parents and I divided them up depending on who the things were from. We sent them about 2-3 months after the funeral I think. I actually got messages about the thank you cards saying I did not need to do that. I couldn't imagine people asking if they ever got sent out!

staygolden3 08/02/2016

Hi Laurie....I sent them out within 2-3 months. I was only questioned once about them from a relative of course. I'd just do a couple a day if and when I felt like it. Actually you never feel like it but I just thought of how comforted I was by everyone and their kind, caring gestures, that I just wanted them to know how grateful I was for their love.
Here's a boo boo I did make occasionally. You're kind of in a fog as you're doing all of these chores so in my half thinking mind...I did as I always have for 30 years....I signed "Ira and Darcie" instead of just my name. I was a bit embarrassed but people understood my error.....some actually found it endearing. Old habits can be hard and heartbreaking to break I suppose....
People offered to help me to write them also but I wanted to do it myself. Take your time and don't worry what others think. There's always someone who will find something to complain about. Their cross to bare not yours.
Also remember, the quicker that you get it done.....that will be one less thing off of your mind!
Love and hugs to you sweetie...
Darcie
Btw.....some people consider that general thank you ad in the paper enough. Nothing wrong with that either.

MariaFlix 08/03/2016

There is too much grief to be felt and too much self care to be done to worry about thank you cards. I say that if anyone is willing to ask for them they should be willing to write them out and mail them for you.
The expression of "Thank You" will come when your experience can help another grieving human being.

staygolden3 08/03/2016

No matter how much we need to grieve for ourselves...we must never forget the compassion others have shown us in our time of need. Even when it hurts so bad....that's what friendship and love is all about.

missthemusic 08/03/2016

Thank you notes? I had lost husband & daughter within 2 months both from cancer. And their leaving this earth was devastating. It was all I could to breathe, to survive each day. I could not, did not, send any thank you notes The people who sent flowers, food, cards, whatever...will understand. They didn't do what they did to receive a Thank You note...and if they did, well then they have bigger problems that we can help them with! This is not to say that I'm not gratefully for the outpouring of kindness and have personally given thanks to many over time.

JinxOC 08/08/2016

Dear Lord, How self serving can people be? That is ridiculous. If I give a gift it is my choice to do so and I don't expect a thank you. It is just nice to help someone. Especially in a situation like this. I am so sorry you are dealing with that. I dealt with that too. When my husband died his family took over and took care of everything rather I wanted them to or not. They represented him in a way that proved they didn't really know him at all. My mother in law was after me about writing thank you notes has well. I gave in to shut her up. But I think it is a self servicing expectation in a situation like that. If you give to get a thank you have you really given from your heart. And four months after my husband passed I still couldn't breath right. Take time to heal and that is different for each person. Be kind to yourself. ♥ J

Join the Conversation