Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Death & Dying
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terrible images

JFerrante
JFerrante
I have read that the expired person is akin to someone who has had their lights out, the spirit exiting and leaving just the shell that in the eyes you see the complete loss of the energy that once animated that person. I read this in We Live Forever by PMH Atwater. An excellent book!

Tragically, I had to witness this , not the actual death, when I entered the hospital room where my recently deceased partner lay in bed repositioned on his back. His room had been cleaned out and the nurses said sorry for your loss.

A vision worst than any horror film, how do I put that worst moment in my life in perspective? Why did the hospital have to make it worse by clearing out the entire room, so as to say that he is ready to be moved to the morgue? That was very insensitive and no thought to me. However, I'm sure it is probably procedure. How ghastly!

Has anyone else grappled with the image of sudden death of a loved one? I know at the moment of death, it is peaceful, any pain is briefly experienced, but the body has a way to subdue or limit such pain.

I need to be able to move beyond the images of my partner deceased, both in the hospital bed and at the wake. It is truly horrible to walk into a room and suddenly realize that my once animated and loving partner is dead to the world, including me. He was unresponsive, with dilated pupils and relaxed jaw. The medical staff see it all the time, but it is my lover that just died, not theirs!

Death is truly awful. There is nothing to benefit from it. It is a robber of love and creates nothing by intense pain and misery for those left behind.

How have others coped with these sudden death experiences and their terrible images??
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband had a heart attack while I was driving him to the ER - he made a breath sound as if he was choking, slumped over in the passenger seat and when I pushed him upright, he was not breathing, and his pupils dilated very wide. It took an additional 4 minutes for me to get through 3 red lights - arrive at the hospital and run in for help. I STILL have images of this when I attempt to lay down and sleep. They have however, become less frequent over time. When I seen a psycho therapist she said what I was experiencing was a form of post traumatic stress.
I cope by sleeping when I ever I can, napping, even for an hour when I have a bad night helps. Xanax, has helped in the past but I think I need something else. Reading fiction helps. CNN - does NOT HELP, lol. Talking helps. Offering others advice on what you have done helps. Knowing that you are strong and have self worth helps. Write down 10 positive things you have done every day, keep a journal and reflect on it when you are having a hard time. Hell, when I make an appointment on time I give myself a pat on the back. When I manage to make my bed in the morning, I tell my self "great job". Pat your self on the back for being pro-active and reaching out to the people on here. There are positive things we all do every day that we take for granted. When you add them up, it reminds you that your able to re-gain your strength, that YOU are STRONG and that eventually, time will help ease your pain.
deleted_user
deleted_user
For the sudden death experience, I am still trying to cope with it. For the terrible images, I have the ones of waking up to find my husband dead and to see the corpse coloring on him. I have the images of trying to find a heartbeat and only hearing my own beating heart. I do have images of my husband lying on our bedroom floor dead. I did have nightmares the first week of finding him dead. One thing that really helped me was after the funeral home fixed him up. He looked so peaceful and his coloring looked realistic. I don't know if the images will ever go away. I believe that they are engrained in our memory forever. Everytime I see the image in my mind during the day, I try to think of a happy time that we were together. I try to replace the bad images with better ones. I cannot force the images out of my head but replacing the bad feeling with happier memories helps me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I brought my husband home from the hospital knowing he had roughly a week to live. we all surrounded him and slept on the couch beside him. I crawled in that nasty hospice bed and slept with him one night with my head on his chest praying he was still breathing.
we were all sitting with him when he took 2 sudden gasps of breath looking right into my eyes and he was gone. I have struggled with the image since he died on one hand I am so glad we were all there and on the other hand I dont want that to be the first image that comes to mind. After 6 months now those are not the first images anymore. We need to try to remember the love and light in their eyes when they looked at us.
I wish your heart and mind peace and hope.
totalsupport
totalsupport
I still 8 months later have vivid images of my husband dying.He died in our bedroom.Woke up told me something didnt feel right had a seizure and died.He had an AVM like an anurism but you are born with an AVM.The image is getting blurrier as time goes by but there are times the image of me running to get my cell phone screaming please dont die.Yelling at 911 that my husband is dying.I am not sure if it ever goes away completely but I do try to shake it out of my head and think of a good time we had.I also will call a friend and talk about a good time we had with them.Try to laugh with them...
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband died of cancer. The last two months it had gone to his brain and at first I tried to take care of him at home but when he could not do anything for himself we had to put him in a home. It was a wonderful place and the people were just great but that is the image that comes to my mind is him not at his home and dieing in the home. Those last gasps that he took and the blank look in his eyes. People tell me to push those images out of my head and to think of a happy memory. But those hurt also in a different way they make me miss him more. It has been 6 mo. since he died and those last moments are starting to fade but I don't think they will ever go away. My only comfort is that when the cancer went to his brain he became child like and happy about everything. He had no idea what was going on. So in my mind he died in peace.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
I will give you the same advice I have given the last 3 times you posted this same question. Counseling. You say you are in therapy, but it's obvious you're not making any progress with your current therapist. Perhaps it's time to work with a different therapist, one who understands Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - because that is what you have. You have something beyond just grief or depression. Not all therapists work for all people - and you have been in so much pain for so long that I think it's reasonable to try another counselor. Tom would have wanted you to live life to the fullest and not be burdened with so much pain for so long. If you won't consider it for yourself, ask yourself what advice Tom would give you if he were here. I'll bet he would want you to feel alive and happy and healthy again wouldn't he? He has such a great smile in your photos - I can't imagine he would want you to spend the rest of your life miserable.
JFerrante
JFerrante
Thank you so much for your heartfelt advice Cliffskat and everyone else.

I have been involved with hospice in groups and counceling since last summer.
Those services hae helped a lot, but yes, I am still in a great deal of pain!

You are right. I do have PTSD and it hasn't gotten better at all. A lot of times I feel I'm gonna lose my mind.

I will need to access my insurance (hospice is free) and find another councelor once the hospice councelor ends in May. She will be doing some field work as an intern.

Yes, Tom is the love of my life, always will be and his smile is infectious! He is very handsome and a very loving and warm person.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband and son both died at home. We awoke one morning and our son had died during the night..He was taken to the ER where we were treated with both love and compassion. We watched my husband give himself over to God in a very comforting way for me and the children, here at home. I recomend hospice to anyone. I'm sorry you are having a hard time letting this go. You need to start thinking of him as WAS handsome, this may sound harsh, but his body is no more, only his spirit. I didn't cope well with our sons death but I had Jesus and the strength of my husband at the time. I have no terrible images..