I am so very very sorry for your loss. I know you have heard that time & time again. I just wish that each time we heard that phrase that it would actually reduce our pain & grief. But please know I really do mean it.

At 10 months your pain is still so very new. In time you will be stronger and the pain not nearly so all consuming. For now, however, please be very kind to yourself. Writing and talking about the loss & pain will help.

In spite of what society teaches us, a year isn't anywhere enough time to heal from the loss of a beloved spouse. Please be gentle with yourself, give yourself permission to grieve all you need to and accept these feelings without feeling guilty.

Many good wishes to you for healing and for relief of pain.

I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. Being alone in grief is one thing, but in front of family, who want us to be okay, sometimes only compounds the stress, doesn't it... You have time left to spend with all of them, and hopefully, you will find joy with the grandkids and in the celebration of Christmas itself.

Hang in there! And it is good to hear from you.

I am sorry you are experiencing such a difficult time when you thought you might be past it. Those setbacks feel so horrible I find. But I do think you are helping your daughter no matter how distraught you are. Pretending to be strong so we don't cause someone discomfort isn't really that helpful for either when you're so close and both suffering. Seeing how much you love and miss your husband is honest and could be a valuable thing for your daughter to witness. If she's married she might be able to see the importance of things that we learned the hard way. Be kind to yourself, and cry when you need to. Holding it in is physically painful and mourning together should be comforting. Something about a trouble shared, is a trouble halved or something along that line. Hang in there. ((()))

A number of us here in that 9-11 month time frame have been dealing with set backs. I thinks it takes this long to really start understanding this is our new life. We long for what we had but have no choice in the matter. Please take care of yourself and know your not alone.

Russ

So sorry you are having a hard time. It is disturbing when we regress after feeling a bit stronger for a time. I know that when I am feeling a little better, I'm always waiting for the next blast of grief to arrive. And so far it always does. I do know, having made this journey once before, that somehow, eventually, it does get easier and life is once again worth living. In the meantime working through the grief is what we need to do. I hope your time with your family does become a time of healing for you all. You can only be as strong as you are able - they will understand that. You are brave - you have come this far. My thoughts are with you - safe travelling! - Deb

Papagena,
I am sorry for this wave. But it seems to happen at about this time for all. After the rotten realization/acceptance period. We go along thinking, okay I can do this.... only to be rocked again with grief. I think part maybe the feeling of "Has it almost been a year? Also the season, where everywhere all the ads and campaigns are family centered. We without our spouse feel it in a very hard way. The love of others just don't match up to the love and comfort of our spouse. Friends and family seem to forget that the arms that held us and made us strong against the odds are missing from our world.
For you also being so far away from your own comfort zone, where you can cry or just be at will, is making it harder. Keeping the mask in place is tiring. So maybe find a place to go sit and let it go with a box of kleenex.
I know you want to comfort your daughter but that takes the energy of the love you had with your husband. It's hard building it on our own. Not impossible, just hard.
If you journal or write, maybe start a memory book for your daughter significant dates and some of the details you have shared here. He Dad's isms that were part of her life, first date and marriage type things that will have significance for her.

Include pictures and anecdotes your husband found funny and frustrating. There are places that you can upload the pictures and text to have printed in a book. Snapfish is real reasonable as well as local places that do office supplies. Some deliver in a matter of a week or two.They can usually be done in a few days if done at a store.
. This will give your daughter a supply of "Dad" isms and a solid source of comfort to share with her children as they grow. I have a tablet that can record and type my words for me, also dragonspeak has a program that does this.

By using some of what you have shared here it will save some extra writing and revisiting for you.

Most of all I want to send you a hug, I think you are a wonderful person even to go so far to comfort your daughter in person. I know it is partially for her convenience since the cost for you, is a lot less than the cost for her family to travel.

My heart ,
Jewells

Oh papagena my friend, First I am sending you a super big hug. Flashbacks and grief waves do happen and even though they are gut wrenching and incredibly painful they do not represent a step back just another step in the healing process as our body internalizes the loss. I can understand your daughter finding it distressing as do most people but the one thing I taught my daughter is when she see's her dad cry it is a good thing not a bad one. It is my body's way of cleansing and releasing the stress and sadness that has built up in my body. Jewells is right being outside your comfort zone may aggravate the situation. You know how much respect I have for you embracing the world around you even while dealing with your grief. Give yourself permission to cry and grieve. Make it clear to your daughter you are ok but this is just part of the journey when you lose someone you love incredibly much. Hug and embrace your daughter and her family over the holidays. Time is something we have all learned is so incredibly precious. Jewells is on one side and I am on the other and your entire DS family is all around you. God bless. Gerald

I don't know how you ever accept the loss, today just putting up the Christmas tree was a challenge since last year husband was here to help and laugh when it didn't go right. Sigh. Oh I have great times, but I also have bad lonely times missing him a lot. I look forward to seeing him in Heaven. Meanwhile I carry on here doing the best I can to not make others sad.

My dear compatriot... I'm in the same timeframe on this journey, too, and understand completely. I'm glad you're with your daughter so you can help one another forge through this painful process. 2014 WILL BE better for us!

Thinking of you and sorry for the sadness you're experiencing. I wish we could get through this tragedy gracefully, but I guess the strength exhausts itself and needs time to refuel itself leaving us feeling lost. Sending you hugs and prayers for a better tomorrow. Sharon

I can relate to what you are saying about your daughter and yourself. During the first months of my husband's passing, I was overwhelmed with grief and survival of myself. I always thought my full grown children would be there for me. Helping me and supporting me through it all. It didn't happen the way I imagined.

My children listened, yet I was so overwhelmed that I needed more. Much more. I forgot they lost a dad as well. I forgot to ask them how they felt. Just like me, they were expecting family to be there, for them. They wanted to talk about their pain as well.

I know deep down they care. It seems like we all have expectations of support. I could not help them because I myself was too weak. They did what they could, but they too, were in need, and felt pain.

Thank you for your unwavering support, your messages are always compassionate and heart warming. My problem is that I always put the cart before the horses. I know I should slow down and be gentle to myself but sometimes to no avail.

As suggested by Jewell, I had started a book for my daughters with photos and mementos but I had to stop, for the time being, because I am not ready as yet to put happy pictures together, I just cry and cry and it distress me. I have to wait till I am ready and that the horses are also ready.

Thank you all.

Hi,
You are so right, grief is harsh and difficult. Maybe by showing your daughter how vulnerable you are now, you can comfort each other, mom doesn't always have to be the strong one. God blees you.

Viviane, the 9-11 month period is one of the hardest, and when it hits around the holidays as well, it magnifies it. I also know that when I was at 8 months and traveled with my sister, thinking I was ready to check another city to move me and my sons to, I got a rude awakening of how NOT ready I was. Everywhere I went, all I could think was how much Cliff would have liked this, how Cliff would have enjoyed that, and everywhere were couples it seemed. Even traveling with my sister, who was my rock throughout my darkest days and my closest friend after my husband, I couldn't cope. Cliff had been my companion - traveling and otherwise - for 30 years - not surprising I guess that I missed experiencing it all with him. I wept like a baby in the hotel room, and when I got home knew I still had more grieving to do. It was one of those "What the heck was I thinking??" moments.

My sons and I grieved together. My younger son did not want to talk with me too much - not unusual as he's autistic - but my older son needed me a lot - A LOT. It is tough as a parent because you wind up grieving double - once for them and once for you. It was an unavoidable rite of passage for my son. It was an unavoidable hard step for me to become the single parent. In my case, I had to also do all the "man-to-man" talks, too. Nothing prepared me for that. We did bond closer through the experience. I understood afterwards a little bit of what soldiers go through - bonding with their comrades-in-arms. That's what it felt like - like we had been through the wars together.

I agree with the others, that it is important for all concerned to know that crying and grieving is normal and healthy, that it's a sign of strength, not of weakness. That it's okay to talk about your husband even if it brings tears. Storytelling might be easier than photos right now. Don't know - it's different for everybody. We couldn't face photos for a long time.

I hope it eases for you an that together you find your way through it.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha

Lostandfellingalone- I definitely understand what you mean about the grown children. In fact, I rarely think about them and their grief as I am hurting so badly. My daughter has made statements to other people that she doesn't understand it. No, my grown children have not been the support I need and it has not been the movie scene where they come and take care of mom. Quite contrary. I also have not been the strong supporting mom in movies. I cry buckets, spend the weekend in my pj's, go to work and come home and sleep. Certainly not the picture of a supportive mom.