Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
One of the hardest things to have to do when your spouse passes away is tell the kids. Any child, regardless of age, would have a hard time processing and dealing with the loss of their parent. My son is 19...and he's autistic...I tried to explain this to him as best I can, but I'm really not sure how, or if, he understands. I told him that we couldn't see dad anymore because he had to go to a place that was too far away for us to visit, but that we would see him again someday, but not for a very long time. I worry that he is suddenly going to realize that he hasn't seen his dad in a long time, and want to go and see him, not understanding that he can't. And I'm worried that I won't be able to help him the way he needs to be helped because I'm dealing with my own grief, and I'm not dealing with it very well. It's been only 4.5 days.
I'm just so brokenhearted for all of us...for my husband who lost his battle with liver disease, for my son who will never see his daddy again,and for myself,who will never see the love of my life again.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the funeral home. After I've taken care of that part, I think it's time to seek some kind of counselling.
I'm just so brokenhearted for all of us...for my husband who lost his battle with liver disease, for my son who will never see his daddy again,and for myself,who will never see the love of my life again.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the funeral home. After I've taken care of that part, I think it's time to seek some kind of counselling.
Just know you are not alone . . .. many responses will come that will uplift and support you.
xo, Dayna
I have two sons who are autistic - the older one has Asperger's Syndrome and various other problems, while the younger one has a general autism diagnosis. My sons were 23 and 19 when Cliff died, so my younger son was the same age your son is at now. Both my boys were very close to their Dad. I hope my experience will help you a bit.
My husband Cliff died of a heart attack, and both the boys witnessed his death and the freak show that followed - paramedics, police, and their Dad being carried out in a body bag among other things. My younger son still didn't want to believe Cliff was gone. He couldn't take it in immediately. Emotionally it was too much I think for him to grasp. It wasn't until we were at the funeral home and were able to say our last goodbyes before Cliff was put in the coffin that my son finally realized that yes, it was true. Dad is dead, his soul gone to heaven, his body being buried.
I would not tell him that he was gone away as though it was temporary. I would recommend that you and your son have private time to say your goodbyes like we did. It was hard, but I think it was necessary and healthier than any confusion about where his body was.
Autism is a hard road under the best of circumstances, but dealing with tragedy is a 100 times worse. Autistics have a hard time with change and with relationships, and having a major relationship change is a very big deal. You will need counseling and so will your son. My younger son was still in school at the time - it was his senior year of high school, a difficult time and crucial for him, for us. He received counseling and support from his guidance counselor and the school psychologist. He actually sought it out and didn't know I even knew about it, because he was trying to "protect" me. Some idiot told him he had to "be strong for your mother" and all the usual nonsense. Anyway, I worked with his teaching team, and he got the counseling and understanding he needed at school. He did graduate. (I cried through the whole ceremony.)
My older son had counseling with the same therapist I saw through my Employee Assistance Program from my work. Our counseling was free because it came via the EAP, and it was a huge help.
My younger son took longer with some concepts than his older brother, but he is okay. I tell you this so that you know that as hard as it is, and as difficult as the days ahead may be, you will both be all right and get through this. It is a challenge, I am not going to sugar-coat it, but you CAN do this. Don't give up.
I also want to tell you that there is an Autism Support Group here, and they have a great Community Leader (CL) as well. Her name is Sambod. I would recommend you join that board as well as our group here.
I lost Cliff in November of 2007. Being here at DS helped me rebuild my life. I hope it helps you, too.
You can message me, or any of the other CLs, anytime. I am sorry for your loss, but you are most welcome here.
Love and Hugs,
Martha, co-Community Leader
Jean
Yes, telling the children was so painful. Having to explain to your son has to be even more difficult. We want to protect our children from pain and it seems like we are the ones delivering this horror into their lives.
You found a great site to come and read what others are going through, post what you need help and answers to and where you find people who truly understand.