James, this is a VERY good question! I am only 7 months out from the death of my wonderful husband and I have gotten mostly ignored when the subject of my marital status comes up, which annoys me to no end! A simple "I'm sorry" is all I ask from people, but a lot of them don't even say that - they just pretend they didn't hear me say the word "widowed" and then they quickly change the subject. In some conversations I have said "my late husband" used to do this, say that, etc. and that gives me a chance to talk about him without bringing up the subject of death per se. What has surprised me is that two women I know who lost their husbands a few months before me, showed absolutely no sympathy or any reaction when I told them I had recently been widowed. You just never know how people are going to react. I feel strongly about wanting to talk about my husband; he was a real, wonderful person and I won't pretend he didn't exist.

Hi James - This seems to be a tricky thing with a lot of people. I find that those who have gone through the loss of a close loved one do understand what we're going through. I've had some amazingly insightful conversations with almost complete strangers. I had to call a credit card company to cancel my husband's card a while back, and the customer service representative was incredibly compassionate, and we talked for about 20 minutes, sharing stories, as she had lost her husband also. On the flip side of the coin, I have some relatives who get very uncomfortable with it. I find that letting others lead the conversation works best for me. If they ask "how are you" that opens the door, and then I can usually tell by watching their eyes. It's hard for me when they don't want to hear about it, but I understand their discomfort and sympathize with it. I'm just very glad that I found this site....here we can talk about it any time. Take care James......Hugs, Judy

Hi James,
I seem to find that many people who are close to me like neighbors, landlord, and many family members, don't even bring the subject up much any more. Don't know if this is just protecting my feelings or what.
As for the people I got to know at our local food store, been going there for over 30 years, I find it easier to let them know, one by one.
Most seem very surprised of course, but tend to veer away from it.
I don't believe there is as much compassion in this crazy world as we would like there to be. Most people seem to think, "Oh, your husband was 56 and had some heart problems", like, well what more did you expect to happen???
I even remember feeling so bad when my dad passed and people would say, "oh, he was 75". Almost like their age or health was more important than my feelings of loss.
It is a good thing we can come here and have some peace and know that others share our same issues.
You are absolutely right, you should never deny the passing of someone you loved so dearly. I loved my husband more than life itself and I will praise him and who he was forever.
Love & Prayers to you....Mo

Very good topic, James. Joe and I opened our deli 9 years ago - we've gotten to know so many people, locals and tourists. The initial outpouring of support was incredible to me, and I was very grateful, even though I was too numb to respond half the time. Now, over a year later, I'm getting the ones who weren't here last year and don't know. The question, "where's Joe?" alternately puts a knot in my stomach, or makes me want to say, somewhat hysterically, "he's in heaven right now". I've had people literally turn white, and be struck dumb. I've had people burst into tears. I've had people say, "I don't know what I would do if my husband died." (don't worry, I want to say, you'll probably get to experience this, too - know it's mean, but that's what I think). I've had people say to me, "it happened to me, too". I've even had someone say, "I know how you feel, I had to put my dog down last year." (WTF??!!) What I do now is what Judy does - I watch people's eyes. I can tell if they want to, or don't want to hear, and I either pull back or talk. And like Mo said, I've also gotten reactions because Joe was a smoker. Guess what? His lungs were fine, and that's not what he died from. And that's what I tell them. People need to find reasons so they think it won't happen to them. BUT - the ones who understand, and yes, sometimes they're strangers, and sometimes friends, I call them my human angels, and they're out there. Sorry for the long rant, I guess this opened up a lot in my head. Hugs, Marsha

James most people cannot cope with death and dying, and do not know how to respond in a sensitive/empathetic manner, unless they have been through it themselves..After a couple of months most people do not even seem to recollect that you were widowed ... and I get the feeling that they are uncomfortable because I am a constant reminder of their own mortality! If my husband's passing is ever mentioned, it will be along the lines of "Oh you are young, you will find someone else"... or because he was much older than me, I get statements like "you should have known that he would be first to go" as if I should have been prepared all my married life for his passing...or "he has lived his life"...as if he should have been ready to go because he was "elderly" , and that there is no place in the world for older people!! Sorry if I have vented a little, but many a time I have felt very despondent about how people behave... I would never wish my worst enemy to lose someone that they love..and even to those that have been so indifferent to death-I hope that one day I get the opportunity to comfort them to show how it should be done!!

i agree with jaynine if anything that we the friends here at ds could teach the people of the world how to respond to someone in grief, you don't bury your head in the sand and hope they go away so you won't have to deal with the nerve recking quandary, what do i say. first i'm sorry for your loss means a lot. then never say how old was he/she IT DOESN"T MATTER they were our loved ones. the same with you are young you will find someone else we don't want to hear that. we want the one we are in love with that was just torn from our lives back not a new love.i want to talk about my husband and i don't want to hear about your cousins mailmans who just died let me talk be my friend and just hold my hand and just listen.

This is interesting. But looking at the other side of it, what do we expect people to say/do especially in an informal gathering with acquaintances. I guess I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt as just not knowing what to say. Now, if I met someone who mentioned their loss, I might say more than before and see where they go with it and follow their lead. But that is just now because I know what its like. It is a part of my life, so it does naturally enter into a conversation as either a time line, a memory, or whatever. I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to not mention it. Why should I? Our journey is our journey.

This issue has come up several times .... I find that most of my friends and family just don't know how to support us. A few realize that we need to talk about our grief and our spouse but most do not realize this need. They assume that we are uncomfortable talking about our spouse or the death of our spouse. It is not that they don't care ... they just don't know.

There are several good sources of information for people who want to know how to support widows and widowers and someone suggested that funeral homes should hand out information for those who want help in knowing how to support widows and widowers. I think that is an excellent idea and I am thinking about sending information to my friends since one of my friends just died this week and the whole process will be starting up again for my friends. Here is one link a to good source of advice for people who want to support us ....

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/helping_grieving.htm

Tom

It really is difficult for most people to understand. Many feel that there should be a "time limit" on grieving. Unfortunately, this is not the case. We all need to allow as much time as necessary to grief at our own, individual pace.

I was out of town for a week and therefore away from the computer. I missed my DS friends and this group so much. However, I must say that being around Jim's family was so wonderful. We did many things together and it was a comfortable, happy time.

I took many photos of his nephews and nieces and other family members and it will be great sharing the photos with them in the next few months.

I am so fortunate that Jim has a wonderful, large family and they understand what I am going through. Friends, on the other hand, are not so understanding.

James, if you can find a link with one or two people -- outside of Daily Strength -- who truly understand your situation, that will be a good place to start. You know that so many of us on DS are here for you too.

Love, Barbara

I find most people are uncomfortable about talking about it. If I notice someones discomfort then I will change the subject . But if they are willing then watch out, I can talk about Bruce for hours. lol

I am just at the start of this long and difficult journey and I am grateful for all the suggestions and comments. It is a good topic. I have already found the kindness of strangers so comforting - a girl at the desk when we were buying a dress for my daughter for the funeral talked so movingly to her about the loss of her dad and gave us both so much courage for the days ahead. Yet people who I would have thought would have been in touch have not been. It is something to do with the culture of a nation and of individual families. Great Britain and the stiff upper lip is still very much in evidence. My Italian genes make me just want to talk and cry and reach out for help which is why this support group is so vital to me. But there is no doubt that death has no place in a world which is obsessed with image and possessions, all so transient and unimportant in the great scheme of things. Society itself is in denial so no wonder individuals are too. People are not gratuitously unkind but are unable to respond a lot of the time and so perhaps we have to try to look at it from their viewpoint and say that we are sorry if they find it upsetting but that's where we are right now. I like the idea of saying "my late husband" with strangers - it gives them the chance to understand without putting them under pressure. Our society wants to put everyone in a box but everyone is unique and deserves respect for that whether they are bereaved or not, alive or not. Thank you James for raising this issue. My love and sympathy to you. Margaret

Different people react differently to it. I've seen some people noticeably wince when I've mentioned it. Then there are some who seemed to be eager to have the opportunity to talk to someone about their own losses with someone who will understand. I had people who were once close friends try to change the subject for me just mentioning Cliff - as if somehow 30 years of my life had never happened. It's my history too. I became a widow, not enter the Witness Protection Program.... It still comes up from time to time - the circumstances and the how and why of Cliff's death. I had one such episode last week with a business contact of Cliff's. He asked me a lot of questions which were uncomfortable to relive, like did I call 911, did I do CPR, etc. It's bizarre and unsettling to go into the specifics of the event of his death, but I am totally comfortable with talking about MY life including those things that happened to have my husband as a participant. If people have a problem with it, it's their issue, not mine. I think part of it, too, is how we present it. By that I mean that if every time we mention we're a widow/widower we break down in tears, then yeah people are going to get uncomfortable. Most people do NOT know how to console - from personal experience I wish they did, and like James said they feel helpless dealing with us. Some try and they say all the wrong things. One guy at work said to me simply, "I don't know what to say in this kind of circumstance so I won't say anything." I actually appreciated that as I had had ever WRONG thing possible said to me. You know the type of thing: "You were so lucky to have had 30 years," "It was God's will," "At least he died in your arms," etc., etc., etc. I agree with Margaret's observations, too, about societal denial and our cultures' obsessions with what really is not important. I am forever grateful to my DS family. Love and Hugs, Martha

Thank you so much for your responses! I appreciate it!

Unlike many, I'm not afraid of death because I believe life continues after this earth life. I find it sad that most people live for collecting material things when in the end you can't take any of it with you into the spirit world. The only things that are really important are loving relationships with others.

I do have one or two friends that I can talk about Tom with and they listen without judgement by adding the cliches. That quailty is what's important to a true friend who will always be there for you in bad and good times.

One of the guys I work with quoted something his father once told him about the pursuit of material goods: "You never see a hearse with a U-Haul on the back." You're right, James, it's how you treat others that matters, not "stuff."