First off, my thoughts and wishes to all. I can't add prayers right now due to a huge crisis of faith on my end.

I just lost my (for lack of a better term) wife, on April 21st. A week ago. She and I had been together for 21 years. That time was normal for a realationship, full of ups and downs, but always together with facing the challenges.

The past several years, she had been fighting with alcoholism. Myself, her son, parents and aunt tried and tried to help her stop drinking. She would for a short period of time, then would start up again. Towards the end, she became very good at hiding it from me and others. When I did know that she had been drinking, I would confront her, but that would always end badly. We all made it clear that we were there for her, but she would deny that she had a problem at every oppurtunity.

Two years ago, she went to the emergency room at a local hospital due to pains in her stomach. We came to find out that a surgeon had left a surgical sponge inside of her from a prior operation, the year befoe. She needed surgery again to remove the sponge, and spent the next two months in the hospital, in ICU and PCU. She almost died, twice, from complications related to the sponge left in her.

We started a malpractice suit against the hospital and doctor that had left the sponge in her. She had spent the last 2 years recovering from this ordeal, still with an open wound in her stomach. It was slowly healing, but she still had another 6 months to a year of recovery from the wound. Two years of on-going physical torment, 2 years of dealing with the lawyers, but she finally won the case and received the settlement (which was very substantial), the end of March.

Meanwhile, the end of last year, I was forced out of my job due to physical issues of my own, in December. We spoke at length about what to do and finally we decided that I would leave the company I was working for. I had some money from a 401K, that would tie us over until the settlement came.

She always wanted to buy a home and now could finally do it. 3 and a half weeks ago she found the house. It was supposed to close on April 24th. 3 weeks ago, she had to spend the night in the hospital due to a complication from her on-going physical issue and found out that she had a large spot on her liver. She refused to talk to me at the time and left with a friend of hers (our nextdoor neighbor), saying that she needed to take care of matters from her past, for self closure. She kept assuring me that she was fine, was just taking care of things for our future, that she would be home on the 24th of April with the keys to our new home in hand. She spoke with me on the phone during this time, planning things that she wanted to do with the house and yard. She wanted me to put in a doggy-door, in the back of the new house for the german shepard puppy that we just got. Things seemed okay with her on the phone, and I trusted her. I came to find out that during this time, she had fallen off the wagon and started drinking very heavily. Our nieghbor who was with her, knew about her drinking problem. I had spoken with her in the past, and Crissy's son had spoken with her as well, both of us asking that if she ever saw her drinking like that again, that she (the neighbor) would call us and let us know so we could intervene. This call never happened because the "friend" that was with Crissy was only interested in getting whatever she could out of her settlement.

On April 21st, 2018, the person I loved passed away in a hotel from alcohol poisoning. I found out from a phone call the next morning. Everything we had been planning for a new start, a new future together disappeared with the wind. I am alone, lost, angry, hurt and everything else that goes along with it. 

This makes me wonder about a God that would allow this? Faith that at one time was strong, is now, not...

I am sitting here with our puppy, who knows that something is wrong. He keeps looking for mommy...

I'm a 55 year old man, ex-military, and who could always handle whatever life threw at him. Now, I can't stop crying, can't sleep, force myself to eat, the list goes on...

I think about the irony of it all, and am asking myself why?