Fear is a normal response or feeling at this time. You are really fortunate to have good support. I don't. Circumstances finally merited my making the decision to move close to my siblings. Since I haven't been around them all that much in 47 years, I am a bit apprehensive. It won't "fix" things entirely; I realize that, but I'm hoping they will supply some level of comfort. It has been almost two and a half years for me, this time around. I still feel lost and ever so lonely. I live alone, so that will be the same, I guess. I'll still be a state away from the grands, but nothing like now. I feel like Humpty Dumpty; I feel so broken that I am not sure anything or anyone can put me back together. I try to see a future of some sort, but it will have to be a God thing. Try taking a melatonin or something similar to help sleep. I hoard my sleep now, if that makes sense. All the sorting and packing, plus my therapy, makes me tired by early evening. Grief, alone, can wear one down. I have to stay away from toxic people. As the saying goes, we sometimes have to rewrite our address book. I am not sure if anything I have said has been an encouragement, but keep posting. Hugs.

Melatonin is a good idea, I didn't think of it. I hope living by your siblings will give you comfort. I still have children at home so that gives me some focus but also adds to the fear thing. I am trying to not feel overwhelmed. Things are breaking and not working right. My financial situation is up in the air. I don't know why you have to jump through hoops to get things settled. But I keep telling myself to relax, I can do this. I am sure your siblings love you and maybe you can find a church or an opportunity to develop friendships. I am learning to ask for help which is foreign to me but if I knew someone in my situation who needed help, I would help. I don't want to be a burden, but it seems that people do want to be supportive. The fact that you reached out to me shows that you are a caring person. Keep that fact in your heart. You are worthy of support.

Thank you. It does seem that things seem to break, like that goes hand in hand with our internal brokenness. Like my breaking my right wrist last September. Speaking of finances, I can relate to that also. My family is now saying I spent too much on a headstone (paraphrased, "You can't handle your money; you have more than the rest of us...") My brother called today and told me that my sister's husband thinks I want to LIVE with them, so he is refusing to pick me up at the airport. I am trying to stay calm in the middle of the drama, but now I wonder if maybe I should change my destination?? I have high blood pressure, and it seems that stress triggers hyatal (sp?) hernia attacks for me. Odd that you mentioned church. The church here that I have attended for 8 years has been very unsupportive, so I have released them of my burden. I am looking for another church where I feel loved and respected. Lord, it's almost more than I can handle. Friends I do need, but since the few I had were in the church, it's like starting over. I feel like I have somehow joined the circus and jumping through hoops. I haven't even done my dishes today; come to think of it, I haven't accomplished anything. Oh well. Those kind of days are to be expected, and I am not going to beat myself up. But the fear is real, even the fear of tomorrow. What gets me is how people try to tell us what we should or shouldn't do, what God's will is for our lives, etc., etc. It makes me mad.

I guess I did accomplish one thing today. My son came and installed a fog light on my Durango. I have owned this vehicle for 9 years and didn't even know how to turn the fog lights on. That's kind of how it is with widow's fog; we can't find the light switch - if there is one.

Same here

I am sorry your brother-in-law said that. It would make you fee bad. Everyday I try to accomplish something. Even if it is something simple, at least I did it. I make myself attend things too , even if I don't want to. I need to do that for my kids right now. I get annoyed easily with people. Many people say stupid things so I try to tell myself that. It is good your son came and helped you.

Yeah, it wasn't my sister. I think she wants me there. Her husband is an odd duck. I did think it would be nice to spend my first night there and just "chill" in the guest room. Today I packed a box of books and tried to do a little sewing (I hate sewing). What I really need is for someone to hold me for about thirty minutes, not necessarily in a romantic sense but platonic. Allow me to cry till I am out of tears. Or someone to make me laugh, to say they care about me as a person. At the church I went to, I never felt that I could cry, so I would try to repress my feelings. My birthday is coming up, and there won't be anyone to send me a Vermont teddy bear or whatever. I could dress up in full costume and go to the alien festival later this month. Of course I'm just kidding. I think we are all looking for purpose, especially those of us who got cheated out of retiring with our spouses.

Trust yourself and trust time. It has been just over three years since my beloved husband died. For the first long while, it was impossibly hard to look ahead into the future. A month or a week or sometimes even a day felt impossible. I couldn't sleep through the night. I was fatigued beyond measure. Four things helped me. First - I decided to just take it a day at a time. Since looking ahead was so hard, I simply set 'looking ahead' aside, until I could look ahead and breathe at the same time. It took time, and eventually I could look ahead again and make plans. Trust yourself.
Second - I didn't sleep well for the first 8 months. I was falling apart from simple sleep deprivation. I went to my family doctor finally and he provided the right short term support to help me get my sleep cycles back on track. if you aren't sleeping solidly, please see your family doctor and get support for a decent night's sleep until the initial wave has passed by. With good sleep, our bodies and our hearts simply do better.
Third - When my husband died and I just didn't know how to carry on with life, a earlier quote came to mind - "in life - when you pick up a stick, the other end follows". After my husband died, I understood that quote differently. I understood it to say - when you make a life decision to love another, then eventually, one of you will experience the death of the other. It is as certain as sun rise and sun set. And if I were to ask myself, would I still "pick up the stick", knowing that I would watch him die, the answer is yes. The twenty-one years I had with him were years I would joyously re-live. Please know that you will survive this process of grief. Know that it is a process and will evolve over time. Know that it is completely unique to you and that no one can tell you what is right for you.
Fourth - please be kind to yourself in whatever way you are able. You are the only one who knows how you are doing. You may not know it at this moment, but you have the strength and resilience to walk this path of grief. It is not a forever path. Warmth does return.

Thank you

I lost my husband in March. I so feel your pain and know the fear that surrounds you. . I’m thankful that you posted... I don’t feel so alone. People say it gets easier...I expect that’s true but right now it ain’t easy. Just know that you’re not alone.

I am sorry Becky. I am hearing that the fear is normal as are all these other terrible emotions. Today is the first day that I haven't cried every time I thought of him. I still cried a lot but I had moments of just calm. My eyes hurt and I will be glad when they start feeling more normal. Things seem so dream like, not really real. I gave myself permission today to not do anything but I found myself doing chores this evening. It is hard to relax.