I would not tell them that their loved one is in a better place, there is no better place than with their family.
I would tell them to call me and mean it, and I would call them every week to make sure they were ok.
Depending on the circumstance I would give them a copy of the book that helped me "Not ready to say goodbye".
I would remind them all the time that I was thinking of them.
I would remind them to take care of themselves, eat, drink water, cry ect...
Hugs, Sandi

I agree with Sandi . . . call them every so often, even if it's just to say a quick "hello" and to let them know you are thinking about them. Sam passed away in September of 2013, and the friends that I expected to keep in touch with me failed to do so. Looking back now, I can't say whether I was more surprised or hurt, but what I CAN say is that a simple phone call can make a world of difference!

Oh yes, a phone call can make all the difference! I too am surprised at the loss of support from those I thought would keep in touch. I guess the bottom line is that we each have to take care of ourselves. Nobody else will.

It's so sad that we find out who our friends are at a time like this. When we need friends the most.
I wish there were some kind of hand out or pamphlet available at hospital or hospices. Not for the one who will be a widow(er). But for the friends and family of that person. Most of them have never been thru anything like this and they really don't know what to expect from us or what to do for or with us after.
I wish I knew how to go about making something like this and making it available to places

Keeping in touch with the person who is grieving is the key. Even if all we do is listening and understanding. I found the biggest help I received wasn't from words they spoke but in the understanding and caring enough to call, send a card or just being there to listen. Sharon

I got a million phone calls after my husband died, and I really appreciated knowing everyone was thinking about me and cared. Most people ended by saying "call me if you need anything". I do really appreciate all the well wishes and love, however, I found that most people would call me while driving in their cars, and I really don't like talking to people while they're driving. And...I was sitting home all alone, very depressed, hungry and not able to eat, and what I really needed was people to come over, bring food, or be with me while I made food and ate, and keep me company. I finally started asking for that. I have one girlfriend that will sometimes come over in the morning. I'll make us a pot of coffee and some breakfast and we visit. Morning is my hardest and loneliest time, so that really helps me a lot. If someone asked me what a new widow needs, it would be go over and visit her, bring food, scoop her up and get her out of the house, and offer to help with all the things she is now faced with doing on her own.....things like yard work, cleaning out her husband's stuff, sitting with her while she writes thank-you's, rubbing her feet and giving her a hug, washing her dishes.....real support. So many of us live far from our families, and help of a practical nature goes a long way in making us feel cared about and helps get us through the early days of overwhelming grief and loneliness. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I started getting tired of all the phone calls and stop answering the phone after a while.

i could not talk easily to many people, so i too stopped answering calls but notes and emails would be great for me, books in the mail. Real expressions of wanting to know how someone is and not wincing at the rawness of the pain might have helped me.

It's difficult. Almost everything I do (grocery shopping, cooking, church, rides in his truck, etc.), reminds me of my husband. It's been a year, and I will not lie to you, I'm not doing any better than I was when it just happened. I just have learned to deal with it. I use those memories to keep my love for him alive. I talk to him often. I ask him to help me to make it through...day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute. I know he wanted me to continue to 'live' and be happy, and I constantly have to remind myself of that. I think he would be disappointed if he knew how sad, lonely, desperate, etc. I am trying, but it is so hard without my other half. I feel incomplete, lost, scared, etc. But, I try to remember what he wanted for me and try to live as well as I can...alone!!! I tell myself that he wanted me to be happy and healthy and keep his memory alive. I do all I can for HIM. I often wonder if the pain, suffering, loneliness, and incomplete feeling will ever go away. I do know that I will NEVER forget him and I live life as though he was still here (I am not delusional, I just try to live in a way he would be proud of me, out of respect for him, that's what I feel I can do for him.) Someday we will be back together again, and I want him to be proud of me.
Good luck with your daily struggle, and try to remember that he would want you to live and be happy!!! Contact me anytime you would like to vent, just talk, or to share memories of you beloved.
God Bless,
Tracy

I think rather than telling them anything, it would be helpful if you invited them for coffee and let them talk. Encourage them to talk about their loved ones. One of the things I hated was when people became reluctant to even mention Cliff's name - acting like he never existed - the 'elephant in the room' if you will. I so appreciated it when someone would just let me talk about him without wincing!

Friends never know how to help. Ask if there is a job or task you could do for them, something that they themselves can't do or don't know how to get done. One friend of the family picked up flea stuff for my cat while another replaced a leaky faucet for me. It sounds silly, but I was so overwhelmed at the time that I couldn't handle dealing with those things. It's been almost 7 years for me, and I still remember those acts of kindness, perhaps that tells you something.

In the moments it took for me to be widowed, I also became a single parent. I also appreciated people who remembered my sons and took the time to talk with them. It helped all of us when they did that.

When I was stronger and someone else went through a loss, I gave hugs because I knew how much I needed them through those early months. I missed being held, being comforted. Some of the best support I received was without words - just hugs. There were a few people I worked with that could just look at me and know that is what I needed, and they became my huggers. I returned that favor to a few of them later when they went through their own losses and illnesses.

And of course, you can always tell them about Daily Strength. :)

I hope this helps, and God bless you for wanting to help others while your pain is still so great.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I keep telling people just buy some silly basics - so overwhelming to me during the caregiving part and so far to deal with the store to get paper towels and toilet paper - And just knowing that people ARE thinking has been more of a help than I would have thought. The cards I've gotten have touched me in ways I wouldn't have expected.

But I find it hard to keep explaining that I am okay- sad, but okay- people look at me like I'm lying....

I lost my husband on the 6th and someone else at work lost hers 8 days later - one of my co-workers mentioned that she had some food coupons/cards for free meals to places like subway- and she gave them to this other person - I thought that was a great thing and plan to do that now and in the future- sometimes drive through is all anyone has energy for and at times like this spending money is not always possible for some newly widowed. ..or it feels wasteful to do it, but a small gift card, may be just the ticket.

The phone calls are nice, but if you are exhausted, making conversation is so difficult. And it is so hard to remember things that you do want when people ask what they can do...

I would tell them it is a roller coaster. Expect ups and downs. Acknowledge the small accomplishments and don't try to do it all at once. Allow themselves to feel what they are feeling. Be kind to themselves. Be kind to others. Eat, drink, walk, and breathe. Nothing else really matters for a while.
Sleep will return eventually.
Be patient.
It's hard. More than hard.