I'm going on five years into this journey and what I did was force myself to care. I decided early on that I was going to live my life to the best of my ability. Brian would have wanted that and he fought very hard to stay with me. Each day, I would get up and get dressed whether I was working that day or not. I forced myself to go to work and do my job the best I could. Sure I would cry a lot in the beginning and the bathroom at work, my vehicle, and my shower were the best places to let it out.

However, I did not want to be defined by my past or my grief. I did not want pity and I wanted to show the world that this would not defeat me even though there were days when I felt like grief had defeated me. I was told by many how strong I was even though on the inside I felt like anything but strong.

I had several crisis' over the first year. Pipes broke, van broke down 60 miles from home, creditors calling, and the stress of my job. I figured out that I didn't melt when these things happened and I survived each and every crisis. I can do this I told myself.

For me, working thru my grief has been exhausting at times, but I needed to do it. I've had my refrigerator die, my heat/air went out, 7 funerals of family members, and worst of all...I had to put my husband's dog down when his kidneys started to fail. That dog was my best friend, my protector and my comfort on those bad, bad days. I still miss him terribly. Again, I survived.

Just today, my new van wouldn't start in a parking lot and I just sat there thinking what am I going to do. It was a simple sequence that I hadn't done with the electronic starter. But I had to stop myself and force myself to think calmly and solved it by myself.

It would have been much easier for me to stay in bed and not socialize with others. I'm an introvert and socializing can be draining. It would be easier for me to miss work and not do my job, but I don't want to be that way. So since I don't want to be that way, I have to do something about it.

I'm learning to travel on my own too which is a scary adventure. A lot of things are out of my comfort zone, but I don't want life to pass me by. I also tell others that I am alone, but I am not lonely.

Nessie from KY

I'm just glad to hear I'm not the only one dealing with this.I go through spells where I have things under control but then someone will say something or something will happen and I'm back in the rut again. Pep talks don't help me much. The only thing I noticed was going to bed earlier made me a bit more energetic the next day.

You're not alone.

My dishes sit for days - then I get motivated to wash them. I find it makes sense to wash them while I am in the kitchen cooking something.

My laundry piled up, unbagged. Eventually I bagged it. I have someone who comes and cleans & does laundry & stuff. Not a "cleaning lady" - a friend, a single mom who needs extra $ - works out for both of us.

If you're living alone now (like me, except for a dog and 4 cats) who cares if it gets a little messy?

The pets motivate me. As much as I don't feel like it sometimes, they are fed. They get petted. Our dog is little, so we don't walk her outside, she goes on wee-wee pads, which get changed. One of the cats in particular seems to "get" that I am very sad, I'm sure she noticed my wife disappeared, she's very sweet and comforts me.

We have to have something to care about.

I neglected my health, didn't have a physical for 3 years. I just saw a new doctor, because I had to switch insurance and picked a new PCP because I didn't like the old one anyway. I told him the last few years I cared for my mom, I cared for my wife; now I can take care of myself. He said he understood.

Taking care of myself, there's nobody left to take care of (except the pets). I have been playing my guitar and singing; I have been going to concerts and making some new friends. Going to see the Yankees with some old friends next week. Going to my 35th college reunion this weekend. Finally getting together with a professional colleague I have known for years, but haven't seen in while.

Things will still pile up at home. If I don't care, nobody else does. I'll take care of it when I feel like it.

I feel the same way. Dishes pile up in the sink until I need something, then I am forced to wash them. I've had garbage pile up (bagged), but I don't take it out until it starts to stink. The dining table is cluttered with various boxes, etc. I eat at my computer table and my son either eats on the couch or in his room. He doesn't seem to care about mess, and right now, neither do I. I never was a great housekeeper, but it was my husband who always got on my case or did the dishes himself. I have to do the laundry, because my son needs clean clothing for school. But right now, it all seems so pointless, and I really couldn't give a shit. So you are not alone.
The only thing I ever really cared about was my son and my husband. Now with my husband gone, I just can't get motivated.

I finally did the laundry a couple of weeks ago, and I must have washed 20 pair of Dons socks. I put the socks on his side of the bed and left them there until a couple days ago. Some fell on the floor, and I couldn't have cared less. I cried all night after I bagged them up. Dishes? I hate them and ignore them for at least a week at a time.

I am sorry you are going through all this pain. I know it is hard. I lost my husband 16 months ago. We had been married for 42 years.

As far as motivation, I find that it is a matter of action first and motivation follows. So, as much as I don't want to wash dishes, if I do get them washed I feel better and I like feeling better so I then sweep the floor, etc. It's taking that first step that is so difficult. So reward yourself when you make it and make it in baby steps. So, if washing all the dishes is too much, just run the hot water and soak them. If that is what you can manage, that's fine.

I promised my husband I would take care of myself, so that keeps me motivated to do a lot of things I do not want to do. I could not live with myself if I were to break that promise.

Take care,
Cindy

When you live alone, and no one visits, why bother? Paper plates, solo cups and plastic utensils. Better yet, go to quick food restaurant. throw away!! I may go a week without vacuuming. Simplify everything. No one messes it up. Trash.... I do gather it up, the trash man comes once a week. I get it to the road. My problem is the refrigerator stays full of leftovers, I throw it out on Thursdays , pick up is Friday. I wear a couple outfits, throw in washer, sit these few items on chair in bedroom, don't have to put away, just wear it again. no need to even open closet door. I DO wash and change my sheets twice a week. And shower daily. Just a habit I can't stop. lol

Mrs.Marsha......have you thought about seeking professional help? I take it you need your job and are you impulse buying?

Our loss is indeed profound, but you have to get up and take care of yourself. My pets make me get up, I use paper products so I don't waste water washing 2 cups a day.

I had to make myself dust after a month and change my sheets. I am a little over 4 months into this journey, have horrible days and some good days.

Please try to take care of yourself and don't lose your job.

Hugs
Jen