the last gift that my husband gave is a small stone totem that he found. Curiously it now holds extra meaning - at the time thought it was just a nice novelty. Now I wonder if it was meant to convey a message. I've since looked the meaning up - I believe it is a falcon and it seems so appropriate. I keep it by my work desk and when the grieve come flooding in I rub that in my hands like a worry stone and it keeps him close. The back of it is smooth and reminds me of the gentleness of his soul while the rough carved front is like the touch of his calloused hands. Makes him feel close. Is there anything of you husbands you can hold close that will bring peace rather than pain?

Thanks for the suggestion. I do have his favorite coffee cup. Maybe I could do as you do and it may seem he is near me. I still have several pieces of his clothing. Actually quite a few things. His favorite chair. His pillow. Thanks maryelnew! I will keep them near next time.

Mary . . a beautiful totem story. Thanks for sharing.

Calgary . . if you have the option don't try to stop the tears. Let them flow, sit with your thoughts and grief. It will pass sooner than trying to relieve yourself with distraction (albeit positive distraction). I know it's difficult to cry all day, but hey, if it takes a day to grieve fully, it will equate to a full day of joy in future. There are no easy outs here unfortunately.

Remember, these are tears of healing . . . feel blessed that you can cry and grieve. Many of us have a hard time with "letting go" of our emotions, ie crying and grief work. Pat on the back, gentle with self and know (as you do) tomorrow is a new day.

Hugs and prayers for comforting peace. xo, D

I'm sorry to hear you've had a bad day...it's hard to stop crying...for me, it starts when I wake up, I go through crying fits throughout the day, and then cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I hold his urn, wrap myself in his blanket every night, even sit in one of his wheelchairs sometimes. Today I got a tattoo honouring him and our life together. It should have hurt like Hell, but it didn't...I wonder if my emotional anguish is so intense that it cancels out other kinds of pain?
I think all you can do is let the tears come...fighting it is not going to make them go away...they'll just hit at another time. I hope things get better...hugs and prayers to you...

Calgary,

Let the tears come as they are healing. I did not know I could cry so much, but cry I did. I am a very emotional man and cannot hold it in so out it came. I let it flow and heal my spirit. I seldom cry now but I'm definitely not completely through. Little waves of emotion catch me at times and usually when I least expect it. Let it go and experience the emotion as it is completely natural. Part of the journey and very necessary.

Peace and a big Montana Hug to you neighbor!

Beautiful place you live! I like it there.

Dewman

Calgary, I am on the cusp of my third anniversary. I use art as therapy. You are welcome to peruse. Some inspired from here and the other reasons I am here.But sometimes creating something helps sooth the soul a bit. You are still in the very first months, expect the waves to swell and wane, we are here for that. I even have trusted phone buddies that understand, where sometimes family and friends just don't get it...I hope they don't find out soon either.
Planting -dirt therapy is very good.

yesterday wasn't a good day for me as well. 3 mo. ago Ray had his surgery. Spent the day re-thinking that day. How he so wanted to not have surgery, said he was feeling better. I told him he needed it, he did. Today 3mo.ago when I visited him for the day he greeted me with a big smile and "thank you" he felt good, last time he felt good, last time he smiled, last time he looked like my old RAY.
So yesterday I took out the tractor way in the back field and cut brush, it was where hopefully no one can hear me, and I talked to Ray and God out loud. Cried a lot but let it happen. I yelled at Ray and God a lot as well, why did they let this horrid life happen when things were so good before. I was so full of hope, 3 months ago..Today I feel a bit better, but the 28th will be the 3 mo. mark, day he actually died. This week he was to released from the Doctor to get back to a normal life..the 3 mo. mark. Wow never thought it'd end this way we had such hope for him being healthy again..Hopefully as they tell us it will get better, I am so counting on it.