Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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Still Lost...does it ever end?

Carly30
Carly30

I lost my husband last year to suicide, he had issues I never even knew were that extreme until that night, that minute. I think I somehow managed to survive those first few days and weeks by shutting so many feelings out and forcing myself to keep going about my daily routine ...trying my hardest to be angry. My fear was that if I let myself feel this other worldly soul crushing pain it would literally swallow me up.  And being thrown into all the business and financial issues that came up right away was enveloping. Everyone kept telling me that each day it would hurt a little less or I would miss him differently as time went on. Well strangely enough it seems the pain is more apparent every day. The more time that passes I feel more despair in the idea, the realization (as crazy as that sounds a year later) that I really won't see him again...the love of my life, my soulmate ever again. I was 29 years old, had been married 5 years, and it almost feels like Sep 21, 2016 was sort of the day my life ended in so many ways. I need someone to tell me it really does get better because I don't think at this moment that I believe that. I'm not suicidal, it's just that I'm tired of  just "surviving".

Msbklyn
Msbklyn
I was just thinking about my husband and how he must have had some symptoms of heart disease but never said a word. Then I read your post. He died 9/30/15 after a cardiac arrest and a 30 day hospitalization. I think about him every single day, sometimes fondly, sometimes a little angry, mostly sad that my life as I knew it for 33 years is over. BUT I do go on and engage with others and make plans so I don't fall into a pit of despair. I just can't live that way. I'm hoping one day I will miss him less and less, it hasn't happened yet but the physical and emotional pain has lessened somewhat. After about 13-15 months I did begin to feel a shift , just somewhat lighter. It's different for everyone but I believe most people do experience less pain over time, I think the amount of time varies. I I know the feeling of not wanting to just survive. It's only been a year for you , unfortunately that's not a lot of time and I hope things do improve. Hang in there and I wish you peace. Marybeth
Carly30
Carly30
Thank you Marybeth, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Thank you for your kind words. I needed some hope.
scottito
scottito
Anyone that has been in their grief for any time at all will freely admit that it does get worse before it gets better. We think, well this is the worst it could be. And guess what, it gets worser. But eventually, far longer than any of us could ever have imagined, it does get better. I'm at 29 months now, and while I've still got a few blockages and issues I'm working on, seems I haven't felt that pain and emptiness for some time now. Not saying I'm all better, but I do know that my wife's death has forced me to become a better person. Use this time to work on you, and try hard not to focus on the heartache. I know, easier said than done. But really, I could not find anything to hurry the process along, no matter what I tried. We just have to go through it to get through it. Grief will do with us what it will. We can not control it. Maybe it just gives up. Or maybe we reach a point of acceptance, I don't really know. I do know that I believed others that had come before me when they said it will get better with time. I just couldn't fathom how much time it really was taking me. And I came into this as a guy with few outward emotions. Seems women take a while longer, but hard to tell because there really are so few men that come here for help. Just keep on keepin' on, minute by minute if you have to. Life is a gift that we should not waste, but until we get better, we are incapable of living any semblance of a "normal" life. So our abnormal becomes our normal, and our old normal becomes a distant memory. But it is our love that we had for our loved one that lives on forever. Scottie
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