Marie, I'm so sorry you hurt so much. However, you must overcome this for yourself. No amount of advice or sympathy will help unless you decide to take your life back. I KNOW you can do this!!

Tomorrow is Monday. Make a decision that this grief will not have control over your brand new day. I believe every day is a gift from God; we must make the best of it. Our life that we had with our spouse is over. We will cherish our good memories, and make THE BEST of our life today. Your husband would not want you to be spending your time despondent every day. Little steps each day can help you. First - count the blessings you have - children, home, car, other family, friends, whatever. Write these down if you need to and see the good things. Pray each day for God to give you strength and courage.

Other suggestions: If you don't get out much (and believe me I've been there) - get dressed and go out. Take some flowers from the grocery and go to a nursing home. Ask at the desk for the name of a person who rarely has company, and take her the flowers. Ask about her, wish her a good day. It doesn't have to be a nursing home -- a neighbor you know who rarely has visitors, a person who has been hospitalized. What we have to do is take the focus off ourselves and our misery, and start being conscious of those around us who are in need of consoling and kindness.

WILL THIS HEAL YOUR HEART? Not tomorrow. Not in a week. But if you can start focusing on "what can I do to bring sunshine to someone else who is hurting" you will definitely feel better. Life as you and I knew it with our husbands is not going to ever be the same (I was married over 50 yrs.) - and it is a HUGE LOSS. But we can't let the rest of our days be swallowed in tears and grief. You and I have the ability to seek local support groups, seek others who need our help, and other ways to get on the road to healing. Please know that you can do this -- you can move on a little bit each day, and you WILL feel better!
Blessings,
Doye

Oh I can feel your despair. It has been 12 weeks 4 days living without Rob and I ask myself everyday how I will be able to move forward. I read every book I can find on Amazon or in Borders on grief even though it is hard to concentrate and I have to reread every sentence. I know I will be carrying this grief propbably forever so I try to just face it head on as best as I can. I am trying to get back into meditation to stop the racing thoughts. I write to Rob in a journal usually once a day. Also trying to reach out and accept company, eat out, movies. I cry a little less than I was but still daily. Hate to go to bed alone and then wake up knowing my new reality. Just trying to find a new normal with each day. I know if really hurts. I love Rob always, miss him physically being here, his love, support or day to day life, which I loved. I think I will be going to a therapist just to talk it out with someone who isn't sick of hearing it. Don't know if anything I said will help but I hope that you find some peace. Hug, Donna

l know how unhappy and sad you are feeling,but all these feelings no matter how distressing will start to ease with time,what l have found is not to run away from them,work with them,and some day you will find yourself having more peaceful days.lf your mind is in constant turmoil it must be so hard for you to work through the grief.
My husband died 16 months ago and l was for the first few months in great distress,but l carried on doing all my usual stuff,l felt if l gave in and withdrew from the world,then l wouldn,t be helping myself or my family.lt is so hard,the feelings of wanting to die,to join him were with me all the time,l really couldn,t think of any reason to carry on living without him,l did,t want to.l had been married to him for 42 years,with him since l was 16,so he was my whole life,l did,t know any other life,but me and him.What l came to realise was no matter how much l missed him,wanted him,l could never have him back.l spoke to myself constantly,urging myself to get well again for the sake of my family.lt has been so hard,but the tears,still flow regular,and missing him,but somewere along the way,the realisation that this is final,out of my hands,hit me.
l don,t know if you have read books or had any counselling,l did,t,but that was me,maybe this will help you.
l do what is known as a "heart practice"its a form of meditation,l talk to my husband on a daily basis,in my mind.Whatever is troubling me l tell him,l feel as if he is listening to me,he understands me and helps me cope,its also a way of telling your husband all the things you did,t have time to tell him,the things you wanted to say but did,t,try it,it may help and at the same time the meditation will calm your mind and bring you peace,if your mind is in a calm state you can cope that bit better.
l do hope for some peace for you,all of us on this site know how hard it is,its heartbreaking to lose a spouse,but like you we are all going through it and we can all help and support each other,l,m wishing you peace and may you start to heal from your loss.
you take care
Alice

Hi,
We have are days.. This weekend I cried a lot. I misssed my husband so much. We were to take a cruises this week. It funny It not missing out of the cruises that hurts it is missing him. I wish I could change things for all of us. We are with you
Malia

In my opinion, I believe we all reach a point of acceptance but it does vary in each of us. It doesn't mean we stop missing them but it allows us to focus on today and the future instead of living in the past with the intense pain. We must also believe that there will come a day when we can be happy again or just smile.

I know how difficult this is, but I believe it will happen. We will be able to embrace and even talk about our fondest memories without breaking down. I hope you will soon find peace and be able to get past the horrible pain you are experiencing.

Still struggling. People ask me how I'm doing and I say I'm doing what's necessary to keep going. I focus on why God took him instead of me. My husband's job for the Lord is done. I'm still here, so that means my job isn't done. Everyday i get up and think of that. One day I'll stand before God. i don't want to tell him I couldn't do what he wanted me to do because I missed my husband.

Marie, you say you are stuck in the past and it hurts so much. You are never going to stop hurting by trying to live in the past. You need to move FORWARD. Yes, you will still hurt, but probably not as much; you need to set some goals, try some new things, and just keep taking one step at a time; that's all any of us can do. We cannot bring back the past so we have to learn how to live in the present, how to find the "new normal" as someone called it. It is a long, painful process but there is just no way to rush it, as I am finding out at 16 months. I feel much better than I did those first months, but I am still have my bad days. Wish there was a magic "fast forward" button that would make it all ok, but there isn't. Grief takes as long as it takes and accepting that fact makes it easier in the long run. You are not alone; we all are struggling alongside you; we can all make this journey with each other's help. laurabp

I'm sorry you are still hurting so intensely. You've had some good advice from the others, and we've all felt like you do, we understand.

You say, "I just don't want to move forward, it hurts too much." Can anything be worse than what you're feeling now?

At some point, we - each and every one of us - has to decide that we will move forward and live. It is a conscious decision that we make. It's a scary decision, but it's absolutely necessary for the pain to even begin to lessen. That is how we deal with the hurt - we decide it will not stop us from living and moving forward.

Grief will consume you if you let it - don't let it! Talk with your therapist about how to make that decision to live if you can't work it out on your own.

You CAN do this, you CAN make it, and it WILL be worth it.

Love and Hugs, Martha

Marie, your pain is so evident. 9 months is a short time considering the years you spent together. We are all in different stages of dealing with this loss and hurt. The first year is the worst as we experience all the firsts we have to face alone. We will never get past this pain if we chose to live under it as a security blanket. I do not want to live with this grief controlling my life so I chose not to dwell on it. It will not be the death of me. I allow myself the moments to reflect, grieve and honor but I know my husband would have done anything he could in life to make me happy and in his death would not want me to fail happiness to mourn him uncontrollably.
It is work, it is an effort but the promise of a brighter day is well worth the effort.
Chin up, take a deep breath and gain your resolve to see brighter days.
You are always in my prayers..
Linda

Marie,

It hurts a lot but we have to make up our minds that we are going to live again. I read something recently and it made me sit up and take notice. The worst part of living thru middle age and beyond is dealing with the deaths that we all will face. Never did I think that I would live to be old without my husband, not really. It happened and I had no choice, no control and no option but to keep on living.

We have to have grit to live again. Day by day, we have to do this. Some days are just the worst, every bit as bad as any that we have had. But there are days that the sun does shine. I have started a new morning ritual that is helping me. I get up and usually cry. That was our time of the day and it brings me so many tears. So I allow myself that time. Then I read and pray and determine that I must live again. It took me many weeks to come to this place where I am not just existing but living.

I bought a bicycle this weekend - something I have wanted for some time. Next, the helmet. Go get something for yourself. And smile while you do it. Be as nice to yourself as you ever were to your husband.

It's blasted hard, going on but we have not been given the choice. I would rather just lay in bed and never get up again. But I then I think I really don't want that either. I want to live again. So will you. One day at a time, we find the way to heal and live again.
Hugs,
Kathy