Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Christopher_O 01/04/2018

Hi, as some of you might know, but for the rest of everyone, I lost my wife on Sept 28, 2017. No signs or nothing, I got up that morning as usually to go out to work for just a couple hours and then I came back home to find my wife lying on the floor in our bedroom, not breathing. The first responders did everything that they could do to bring her back but she was gone. What a time is has been, since she has passed. Her birthday was in October and then there's Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now the New Year. November and December I've sort have shut myself from the outside world because it hurt to much. The only place I feel safe is in our bedroom, but I'm trying to get out of that state of mind now. I'm opening myself back up slowly. I went 7/11 this afternoon and I saw a friendly person that I know and she and I began a conversation about each other and she knew about my wife's passing and as out talk was ending, I told her bye and I'll see her again on another day and she said the same. It was a very nice greeting, but as I started to walk up to cashier counter, you know that feeling that you get in your throat and your eyes get very wet and red because your crying. That's what happened to me this afternoon, because I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to my wife or to tell her that I love her. Staicia is the name of my wife and I miss her so very much. I am angry now because people have said that well it was her time, but no it was not. We are a Christian family and we know the Lord as our personal savior in Jesus. But, when I was calling on Jesus name that morning while the first responders where trying to bring her back and couldn't. I don't feel like I got an answer that morning. There are so many scriptures in the Bible that says to call on the name of the Lord and he will be there with you.

pmoore30 01/04/2018

Hi Christopher, I’m so sorry you lost your Staicia. As I read your post, I began to cry myself. I lost my husband Norris on November 21st. He had been diagnosed with a rare disease only the month before and had just had his first treatment the Friday before. I awoke to find him in distress and called 911 who tried to revive him and transported him to the hospital, to no avail. He was 34 years old. I am having a terrible time trying to live. I call it existing. He was my soulmate and love of my life. I am still in shock and disbelief. I know the feeling of speaking to others about your loss and then the tears come. There hasn’t been one day that I haven’t cried. I also feel comfortable in my bedroom and was unable to go to work for the first month after. I am only living because I want to live in eternity with him.

But to your point about asking God to help and receiving no answer, I want to share with you what was said to me by a pastor who is a family member. He said that when you ask for help, God doesn’t always give you the help you want but he will give you the help you need. He said you wanted him to be okay and he made him okay in heaven because he couldn’t be okay on earth anymore. He asked if I would’ve wanted him to die quickly without a chance for suffering or to be alive on life support or with brain damage. I don’t know if that helps you or not. It gave me something to think about.

Kimr210 01/04/2018

Sorry to hear about the loss of your wife Christopher. I lost my husband unexpectedly in November he was the healthy person in our group so we all thought and then with in a two week period he was in the hospital and the doctors were unable to save him. I'm sure that Staicia just like my husband would want you to be happy again at some point, just take everything one step at a time. I understand your store experience, I go out with my friends on the weekends because I just can't sit in the house any more (I work from home) and always feel guilty when I get home and it gets quiet. I'm sure over time this will not happen as often but for now its just horrible. I hope you are able to go out and breath a little easier over time. My 24th anniversary is this month and I'm thinking that this will be a major set back, I've survived Christmas and the worst Thanksgiving on record for me and my family. The people that say things to you like "it was her time to go" are trying to nice in their own way they are just clueless to the pain that you are feeling and how hearing that makes you angry, it's just their own lack for knowing how to react.

Sorry we share this horrible pain. Stay strong and try not to lock yourself in your house.

Kim

shewearsblack17 01/04/2018

Being of the faith as well, I wondered why someone didn't call on the name of Jesus (for instance, my pastor). Instead he just cried! Later he told he thought it was my husband's time to go, that nothing anyone could have done would have caused him to live any longer or go any sooner. I am not so sure I agree, and my faith has since then been visibly shaken. I also was told by another widow, prior to losing my husband to horrible cancer, that God doesn't always say yes. But why then did He make him suffer? It would have been better to have lost him in a car wreck or heart attack or some instant way out. We didn't get to say goodbye. Now I am left holding the empty bag called life. Of course what was needed was a total healing, and of course some would say that he got that. I still have so many questions. I am so sorry for your loss. I stayed in my bedroom too until I was able to move into a different house. I am traumatized even now.

Rick51 01/04/2018

Sorry for your loss Christopher.I think getting out of the house proved to be a healthy endeavour. I hope you can keep your faith, and move forward. While someone like Remiah certainly lays it on way too thick for me, perhaps not for those with formal religious faith. A perfect creator creating perfect pain and loss just angers me, but hopefully not others.

Msbklyn 01/04/2018

Christopher: I am so very sorry you lost your love. I lost my husband of 30 years on 9/30/15, 30 days after he suffered a sudden cardiac arrest with no warning signs We never got to say goodbye as his death was not expected 2 weeks after surgery. ( maybe we were all in denial, I don't know. We were in cardiac ICU the whole time and he was on a vent and sedated for 2 weeks). I did cpr and called 911 when it happened and prayed without ceasing from that moment on. I trusted my prayers would be answered. They weren't the way I wanted. BUT I have remained faithful to the Lord, even when I don't understand and when I am so angry. He has strengthened me and drawn me closer. I am so grateful for that and hope that this can be an example to others that are suffering. God does not promise that we won't have trials and tribulations but HE does promise he will always be with us I prayed I would not lose my faith after I lost my husband and GOD has not failed me in that. I wish you peace. Marybeth

sweetpea11 01/05/2018

Christopher sending you many hugs and prayers! God doesn't like or want any of his children to suffer. I watched my husband fight a terrible battle of cancer for just over 12 months. Yes I have questioned God and yelled and cried to God many times. We are all human and it is hard to lose a loved one. The only thing that keeps me going day to day is that I know for a fact that I will see my husband again someday! I try each day to be thankful for something throughout the day. Some days it is just the smallest thing as being warm on a very cold day like today. Satan loves to attack us at times like these when we are weak and emotional and tired and lonely! We just have to knock him right back out of our life and seek God! Wishing you peace! Penny

StayStrong23 01/05/2018

I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you loved your wife very much. No one knows why the Lord takes people home when He does. But the comforting thing to remember is that although your wife's body has died, her spirit is basking in God's glory right now and will be for all of eternity. And, someday you will join her again, and it will all make sense. There is no doubt in my mind that when you were calling the name of Jesus, He was standing right there with one hand on your shoulder and the other welcoming your wife into His glory. It's okay to grieve the loss of your wife. In fact, that is normal. Talk to her. She can hear you. Tell her how much you love her and miss her. Recall fun stories with her. Write letters to her. That is all okay and part of the normal grieving process. Don't be afraid to reach out to your church community. They will help you through this hard time. I am praying for peace in your soul and strength for you to endure during this struggle in our life.

Deb30 01/05/2018

Staystrong23 you seem to post the same stuff on many different support sites. You really ought to talk to a pastor or a counselor about your behavior. If you are in fact a widower who has also gone through a divorce or break up and, yet, is in a healthy relationship but suffers from depression then my apologies,

teatime 01/06/2018

Sorry about your wife passing. I lost my husband on May 24 ,2017. He had COPD for several years and also a bad heart. He was content to die when he did. I knew he did not want any extreme measures so I did not fight the decision. However not I am alone and trying to cope. The pastor in the hospital told me she sa w peace in his eyes. The house is lonely. I have family and friends but if you ever heard of the book the empty chair that is how I feel. No matter how many people are around there is always an empty chair.

StormyTexas 01/06/2018

Christopher- I also just lost my husband of 5 years. He died after heart surgery . We all prayed, and it dis not bring him back. But I do have some peaceful times each day that I am thankful for. Other days, I am angry about anyone who dares conplain about their spouse in front of me.. I would take all the bad days or disagreements in the world to have my husband back. Since that isn’t happenong, I try to find something peaceful or calming each day. Some days are worse than others.it’s only been about 2 months for me... I wish you some peace!

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