Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Something that bothers me

clhm2018
clhm2018

I have shared before that I lost my husband on June 3, 2018 at the age of 26. There is something that has been irking my nerves this week and I’m wondering if it’s just me. First I get a text message from my grandmother saying, “just checking in, I wish you would too” and then my dad calls me saying I wish you would call us, we want to have you around, we miss you, we never hear from you,etc... now first let me state that neither of them have picked up the phone to call me since the month that my husband died. It’s not like I’m just ignoring all calls. I also will say yes, I understand they are my family and they care. However, I feel like when you are grieving a close loss such as a spouse, The only persons feelings I need to be worried about is mine and our 5 year old son who lost his dad. I don’t need to be worried about making sure I make a weekly call to everyone to tell them I’m ok. They are more than welcome to pick up the phone and call and even if I don’t answer just send me a text and say you’re thinking about us. Praying for us, checking in, and I will more than likely respond thank you, we appreciate it, but don’t try to make me feel guilty about not calling because honestly I don’t want to sit on the phone and reassure you that’s fine, when it’s going to be awhile before I’m fine. I just needed to rant about this and was wondering if anyone else ever felt like this. 

RachelNYC
RachelNYC
It's quite disappointing how lousy many close friends and relatives are at dealing with this.

It is especially hard when you barely can make yourself reach out for help.

I have kind of resigned and accepted that some of the people in my life simply no longer belong there if I have to put so much effort into protecting myself from their insensitivity or lack of respect while I am dealing with worst thing that could have possibly happened to me.

People who expect me be okay 90 days after losing the love of my life simply don't understand who I am, and obviously I was wrong to consider them friends in the first place.

I'm afraid your experience is not uncommon.
Myfavorite
Myfavorite
Yep, I've learned that you have to be proactive in keeping relationships going. With my family, I had to tell them point blank what I needed from them. They didn't know what to do. Hell, I don't know what do most of the time. People have no idea what to say to us, so they tend to go the easy route and not reach out. Give them a task so they feel like they're helping. Understanding of our situations is so difficult if you haven't been there. Truthfully, I've lost a lot of friendships in the last 6 months. The few people that have stuck around and the new people I've met since my wife passed have been really great though. The people you want to be in your life...you just got to tell them, hey give me a call once a week, or let's do a dinner every Sunday. Tell them that you need them right now and this is what you need from them. It is hard and unfortunately I completely get how you're feeling.. Just my two cents. Take care of your son and remember to take care of yourself too.
babochka
babochka
clhm2018, sorry for your loss, and at such a young age to become a widow, it sucks. My sympathy with you and your child.
I had been just like your grandmother and dad, "on the other side" - before going through the sad experience of losing a husband to death. "On the other side" you don't know how to act in cases like that, what to say and when, You don't want to "bother" people in grief - especially so soon after their loss, you want to give them some time, out of respect.
Those "on the other side" have no idea how important it is to the person "on this side" to have their attention, to feel their love and care. How desperately you want to be bothered by them! To have someone over, just to be there for you, some food to be brought and shared together, or be cooked for you and the dishes cleaned by someone afterwards, or for someone close just sit there next to you in silence, if necessary.
How are they supposed to know? They haven't been "on this side"...
I know it's sensitive and it hurts but please do not hold a grudge against them clhm2018, cut them some slack. They do love you and care and worry about you, They just do not know how to do it right.
clhm2018
clhm2018
Thank you all, I definitely understand that people don’t nessessarily know how to respond to a loss. It’s not so much the lack of calls that bothers me because i don’t always want to talk. It’s more the way they try to make me feel guilty for not reaching out or same thing with the holidays. I told them this year I’m going to spend the holidays with me husbands family because we are all grieving together and it’s like they try to make me feel guilty about that also by saying things like, “you need to be around your family, it’s important. We want to see you’ but I’m like this is still my family also. Nothing has changed that. I definitely always respond in love though and I understand it’s hard to know how I feel when they haven’t experienced this. Thank you for your thoughts!
OmaGosh
OmaGosh
First, I'm so sorry that you've lost your husband and so young!! That's awful!
I understand too, how it just feels like a really heavy burden for anyone to make even the smallest demands on you when you're grieving. Grief is exhausting. It is physically, emotionally and spiritually taxing. And I understand your wanting to be with your husband's family. When my husband died, I loved to watch his sister talk because she looked so much like him. It was the next best thing to seeing him at that moment.
It's possible that your family is not trying to guilt you at all. They just want to grieve with you, care for you, make sure you're okay. You can just tell them that. You could say something like, "I know you guys love me and you want to help me; but right at this moment, I don't even have the energy to reach back to you or to talk. Just pray for me." (or whatever you're feeling at the moment. Keep it unoffensive, but firm; and know that they love you and just don't know how to help.
It sounds like you're doing the best you can.
dayxdayxday
dayxdayxday
Unfortunately people who haven't been in our situation don't understand. I like to think they are trying. My kids and I lost my love way too soon and you and your child are so much younger. You need to take care of yourself and realize that those that love you don't always know what to say. However, if they want to give you a guilt trip consistently then they aren't the support you need. Focus on yourself and your child and try to celebrate the time you had with your man. Stay strong and try to stay positive for you and your son. Don't let others impact that.
KittyKai
KittyKai
I sometimes think that people are embarrassed and do not know how to respond after a death. But by all means keep in touch, you will need them later on in life.

KK
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
When you are grieving, it is bad when people stay away. It is really bad when you are grieving, plus physically down. Then they actually seem justified in keeping their distance. In my situation, if I complain, the response is always, "You have to plan ahead. You have to call and ask." Etc., etc. How nice would it be just to get a card or text or 5 minute phone call to say someone is thinking about you and ask if there is anything I need? My physical therapy is time-consuming, but it's my responsibility if I want to be functional again. Every two hours. That doesn't leave much time in between for anything else, especially for a one-armed bandit. I'm letting a lot of things go, because who cares. And what holidays and birthdays? I'm fixing to break out of this cocoon and fly out of Dodge.